Goal Progress - Me? In a Church?

My spiritual path has been a long and varied one. I have tried many different paths, many different beliefs, many different churches. I have twisted and turned, tried to force myself to believe things that didn't feel true to me. I tried to fit molds that just didn't fit. I memorized bible verses, I sang hymns, I said all the things I was suppose to say. But never felt I fit. Never felt it in my heart. I was always searching, seeking, looking for something to believe in. It was many years ago that I gave up looking for a church that filled any type of need in me. I quietly started looking on my own, finding belief in a variety of places. Now believe me, there are paths out there for everyone. There are those who want the strict scripture taught, there are those who go with the flow, there are those who believe in the Star Wars force, there are some who believe that there is nothing, and on and on. Sometimes I despaired of ever finding a place to fit in. Well, maybe not fit in, but something that I could believe that had a home in my heart. For I have always believed that saying you believe something is nothing if it isn't in your heart. I raised my kids with the belief that faith isn't a church, belief isn't a book, and religion is just instructions on how to do it. You have to find what is true to you, and not only know it, but live it, breath it, have it in your heart every day. Sigh, a tall order when there are no answers. What I mean is, we really, really don't know. After all, that's why they call it "leap of faith". There is a gap there between what you believe and being able to prove it.

I first had to come to grips with that leap. That we won't really know. But, then, there are ways you can know. There are ways like life experience. There are those who have experienced miracles in their lives. There are those who died and came back. There are those who have had many different types of experiences. Well, as I got older and had more experiences, it helped to form my beliefs. Things I knew in my heart more than my head. But still I was seeking answers. I now, after many, many years, have formed my own beliefs. But what about others. Certainly there had to be others out there that believed the same things I did, that had the same questions, that didn't fit the mold. And then, the internet came along, bringing people together. There I found a home, others who felt like I did. I found people who wanted to walk my path along side me and learn and teach. It was a wonderful feeling, to have others to take the journey with me. But, online, as wonderful as it is, is still rather lonely. What about here in my area? What about face to face? As much as I didn't think I missed it, I missed it. I missed that connection. Alas, there were no churches anywhere I lived that seemed to fit.

I was online one day and talking about how hard it is to find a church that fits. So a friend suggested I look at a church called the Unitarian Universalists. Huh? I had never heard of them. It wasn't something that I even had begun to look into. So, off I went online in a search for what exactly it was and what it meant. I found out that in a lot of ways, they were like me. Searching, but also doing. Following a path, but always searching for answers. I found out that they believed in all paths, like me. Anyway, I found a UU church not far from my home. I kept talking about going, telling my family we should go. But it was on the to do list, but not getting done. Sundays are hectic at my house (like any other day isn't?). I am not sure from week to week what is going on. There were two services on Sunday, 9:15 and 11:15. But, with my older son working on Sunday morning, my husband working different times on Sunday, and me playing taxi driver, it seemed like there would be no time to go. But, then, this Sunday, my son was off, my husband didn't have to be in until afternoon and the opportunity presented itself. So, I announced - This Sunday we are going to church. Everyone kind of looked at me like.. huh? I put my foot down. I want to go to this church. So, they all agreed we would go Sunday morning. There, it was done. We were going. Now, for the hard part - waking up in the morning. Mornings suck. I hate getting up in the morning. Coffee, lots of coffee. But, worse than that is rolling out of bed three other people who hate getting up. And getting them ready. And getting them out the door. Jeez, who would have thought that going to church was such hard work. Just give up. Don't go. You don't really need to go to church, do you? What are you going for? You have managed all these years without church. Just give in, give up. Don't go. Go back to bed.

No. A new year, a new me. I want to go, they are going to go. Into the car, on the road. I'm nervous. I always get nervous when I try something new. I always get nervous meeting new people. I get nervous going new places. Get over it. Drive. I was worried about being late - I'm always nervous about being late. To me, being late is punishable by death. We end up being early. But there is a few people there, by the greeting table. Okay, name tags, talking to people, this isn't a bad thing. Be social, you can do it. Now, we went to the 9:15 service, which is smaller, more open, less structured. We find our seats and the service begins. I have a wonderful time. I am moved. I am in tune. I feel.... welcome. Something I have never felt at a church before. Not that the people in other churches weren't nice. Not that they weren't welcoming. I just didn't feel like I was in the right place. This, this is the right place, the right time in my life, the right.... path.

Now, I'm not going to suddenly jump in and join all their groups, start all kinds of projects, and whatever. But, I will go back. I want to go back. I want that feeling of being in the right place at the right time. I want that feeling of being with people, face to face, who are sharing with me their path and learning from mine. I want to go back and feel like I belong to something bigger than me. And, now, I'm on my way.