Challenges - It's Not That Bad

How many times have you drawn a line? Put your foot down? Said you had reached the end of your rope? If you are anything like me - a million times. I am famous for saying this is the last chance, many, many times. I know at the time I say it, I mean it. I feel like I can't or won't take any more. Only to discover I will and do. I kind of remind myself of a mall cop. Stop or I will yell stop again. And I think the people in my life realize this - that they hear me say enough, but that they can keep pushing, so they ignore it. And, it goes on. So, somehow I manage to convince myself that it's not that bad. That I can live with whatever it is. There are no consequences, there are no changes, there are no improvements. It is amazing what you can find yourself accepting and putting up with rather than saying you are done and meaning it. After all, it is easier to put up with things, no matter how bad, than make changes or stand your ground. Less confrontation, less rocking the boat. It's the wimpy way out. Sigh, okay. So, how do I take a stand and stick by it? I find myself making extreme statements out of frustration. Ones that I could never keep. It's like the parent stating that the kid will be grounded for the rest of their natural born life. Yeah, not going to happen.  So, how do I start making it clear that I mean it? And what do I mean?

Well, I figure it's like anything else, start small. Pick one thing I am really not willing to do, put up with, or deal with any longer. What are the options available to change it. Such as the dumping ground that is my dining room table. I hate it. I hate that everything gets dumped on there so that we have no room to eat, do homework, etc. I have said time and time again - don't put your crap all over the table or I will throw it away. And I got a box and started throwing everything into the box and said, do something with all this stuff or I will throw it away. The box still sits. Full. I think they have come to realize that I'm not going to throw anything away. Yet, there is still more stuff all over my dining room table. All bark and no bite. Friends and family say - do it - throw it all away. My problem is, some of that stuff is important. I throw it away, I am not willing to deal with the consequences. That is probably the reason.... no - that IS the reason I don't do it. I am afraid to deal with the consequences of my threats. So, what will happen if I throw away all the stuff? There will be anger, there will be fighting, there will be yelling. I hate all that. So, instead, I grumpy, complain, threaten.... and convince myself it is not that bad. And do nothing. So, I don't want anger, fighting, etc. But no one is going to take me seriously if I don't stick to my guns either. Where is the compromise? Where is something that is going to make everyone happy. But also, what is going to make them realize I am serious about it.

I honestly think it is only going to take standing my ground once or twice to make them realize I am serious. That I really will do what I say I am going to do. And maybe, just maybe I am going to have to put up with the kicking and screaming once or twice to make them realize it. Today, the dining room table - tomorrow? The world.

Challenges - Fight or Flight

I am a very laid back, non-confrontational person. Well, more than that even, I actively avoid confrontation, to the point of hiding from it. I really dislike confrontation. I don't often stand up for myself. I often agree with people when I don't really agree with them. Probably not the best stance to take. It often leads to frustration, being trapped in situations I don't want to be in, stress, depression, feelings of helplessness. So, what happens when all that happens? It builds up until I explode. I eventually do reach a breaking point. And it's not usually pretty. And it's not always at the person who deserves it. And I'm not always fair when I do get mad. And I am not nice. And I sometimes say things and do things I regret because I let the emotions rule me rather than logic. Being a bipolar Gemini probably doesn't help with this. When I was a young child, I was considered "agreeable". When I was a teenager, I was out of control. Then I was "reserved". Then I was out of control. Hmm, I see a pattern here. I know the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Being most of the way to claiming the title of psychologist - yeah, I know what's going on. I understand it. I know what I should be doing. I know how I should be dealing with things. It all looks so easy on paper. Then again - my son's picture of an airplane looks like it should fly too... on paper. But I doubt it would. Why is it that it is so easy to make decisions, yet so hard to follow through with them? Why do we sabotage ourselves in so many ways? I see the patterns, I recognize that I am doing them. Why do I continue to do them?

Emotions are here to stay - all of them. The good, the bad, and the ugly. You can't ignore them, you can't escape them. They don't go away. Everyone gets mad, hurt, angry, frustrated, stressed, depressed, happy, silly, loving, emotional. It's what you do with this mess of emotions that counts. Swallowing them until they build up and explode hasn't worked all this time, so, what can I do to change it? I mean honestly, not the textbook solution. It's really easy to read in a book how fly an airplane. That doesn't qualify you to fly one. It's also very easy to look at a situation and say "next time that happens, I should...." but not always easy to do the next time it happens. Especially when it comes to emotions. Emotions often have a mind of their own. Especially the strong ones, the ones that spend their off time pumping iron and preparing. The ones like Anger, who is pushy, rude, mean, and nasty. Anger has a temper. Anger likes to break things, throw things, hurt, maim, and kill. Given uncontrolled freedom, Anger can destroy lives. So how do you keep Anger from destroying you? Obviously my idea of keeping him under lock and key isn't working, he always seems to break free from the cage and go on rampages. Maybe it's like that fart in public that you just can't hold in. You know, the one you try to let out just a little at a time, hoping no one will notice. Or maybe the Bitch Mode works. You know, the "that time of the month" attitude where you simply rant and rave about absolutely everything. How about Anger in Disguise - where you get together with some close girlfriends and rip apart someone who you all hate, or isn't there. Then there is the Sneak Attack. That is the anger where you are angry about something else, but pretend you aren't and attack someone about something trivial. Like your spouse leaves their dishes in the sink, and you explode - even though you do to. But you are actually pissed off because they did something else completely unrelated. There are tons of ways that we deal with this beast. And to be honest, I don't know many people, aside from like the Dalai Lama, who deals with it well. It seems everyone struggles with this. Now, I do wish I could be like the Dalai Lama who seems to be so wise and able to be at peace no matter what. But somehow I don't think the Dalai Lama would be so peaceful if he lived my life. Or maybe if I were more peaceful like him, I wouldn't need to deal with so much anger. Or maybe this is kind a moot point.

So, here I am, this mess of emotions running a race, with anger pulling into the lead, pushing all the others off the track. I need to find a way to rein it in and control it. I can't keep going from calm, calm, calm, psycho. Honestly, I would like to tell you my plan of action, how I plan to overcome this challenge. But I don't know. I honestly don't know what to do about this one. I'll have to think about it and try to come back later and answer this question. Hopefully I will find one soon. Before the creature destroys my life.

Thoughts - Walk A Mile In My Shoes

I have a lot of tolerance, acceptance, empathy, and understanding for people. I realize that everyone has it rough in one way or another. From the riches of people, who seem to have everything, to the people who have to live on the street. It is sometimes easy to look at others and think you know what it's like to be them. Who hasn't looked at someone who has a lot of money, and thought, wow to be them. To be able to buy anything you wanted. Or looked at your friends, or family, or whoever and thought, wow, they have it made. They have it so easy. On the flip side of that coin, it is also hard sometimes to have empathy for others. To listen to them complain and not think to yourself, wow, I have it way worse than they do and I don't complain half as much. So, putting things in perspective and realizing that everyone has it hard in some way or another is important. Keeping in mind that no one really has it made. If everyone would do that, maybe we could all help each other out more instead of always looking at how hard we have it ourselves. That being said, I wish there were some people in my life who would look at what I do, what I am going through, what I have to deal with, and have a little empathy. I'm not looking for them to pity me, feel bad for me, or even necessarily help me. Just not criticizing me and telling me things are my own fault, or that I need to do more. Or criticizing how I spend my time, or even what I do with my free time. Walk a mile in my shoes. Live my life for awhile. Do what I do, face the decisions I face. Then you can judge me. I respect what you do, what you are going through. I may not understand completely what you face, but I respect that you are going through it. Why do people not do the same? Why do some people feel they have the right to come down on me for my life? Now, it is true that there are those who do nothing to make their lives better. There are those who complain constantly yet do nothing to change it. There are those who aren't happy unless they are unhappy about something. I do find it very hard to remain sympathetic and supportive after awhile. Those who have the same problems over, and over, and over. And yet, when offered options, instead of looking at those options and how to make them work, they look for reasons why they wouldn't work. And be honest, we have all done that at some point. At some point we all have probably felt trapped and like it will never get better or change. But, usually, at some point, we all get fed up and make changes. After all, isn't that what this whole blog is about? Making changes, changing myself, changing my life? And trust me, it's not easy. I face challenges every day to these changes. But, I keep trying. It's not fast or easy. But I am trying. Then to have people both to my face, and behind my back, to criticize me, say I'm not doing enough, and even that I am lying about what my life is like, just makes it all that much harder. It makes it all that much worse. Instead of looking at what it must be like to be me, and deal with everything, they stand on the outside making judgements and telling me what I should be doing. I don't do that to them. I don't look at them and tell them they aren't doing enough. I don't tell them they are full of crap and should just get over it. I don't look at their issues and tell them they are petty or stupid. I don't judge. I want to lift people up, not put them down. So, when I hear things like this, I try my hardest to not let it get to me. I try my hardest to keep in mind that I am doing the best I can do right now. I remember that it is my life - not theirs. I do not have to make them happy. I do not have to please them. I don't even have to listen to them. I can do this my way. I can do this for me. I can live my life, my way, with or without their love and support. In my time, with my own two feet walking my own path. I can choose not to let them bring me down. I can decide not to let them push me in a direction I don't want to go. And most of all, I can take it easy on myself sometimes too. I shouldn't have to gear up with mental armor to deal with some people. But - if needs be, I can. I can fight back. I can live my life and they can either join me on my journey or not. Those who mind, don't matter, those who matter, don't mind. Accept me, love me, lift me up as I lift you up. I will do the same for you. I will respect you and give you all the support I can. I expect the same back though. I expect you to accept, even if you don't understand. I know you don't know exactly what I'm going through - you can't, you aren't me. But understand that my path is difficult, just as your is. This isn't a contest of who has it worse. This isn't a who does what better race. There isn't a winner and a loser. There is both of us winning by having a loving caring relationship where we both succeed. So, let's turn this into a win/win situation instead of an attack or a war. Let's walk beside each other on our paths and share the journey.



Finger Eleven - Walking In My Shoes

Goal Progress - Bad Things Happen To Good People

We all know that bad things happen to good people, and that good things happen to bad people in life sometimes. But sometimes it seems like the bad people get ahead more than the good. If you look at a drug dealer pulling up in a nice car, with nice clothes, and pulling out wads of money. Or the politicians who get paid amazingly well to screw the common people. That kind of thing. Yet the honest, hard working people, the ones who do the day to day jobs live paycheck to paycheck. And then turn around and get hit again and again. Now, this is not always the case, but I see more and more of it every day. I have more and more friends who were doing okay are now struggling and looking for help. Now, I know not everyone agrees that the government should offer "hand outs". That there shouldn't be welfare, that there shouldn't be extended unemployment benefits. But, what are the people suppose to do who honestly want to work, want to support their families and can't? What about the ones willing to do any job they can find for a paycheck? They say that the illegals here in this country are doing jobs that Americans don't want to do. But honestly, every person I know that is looking for work is willing to do any job they can find. There is no unwanted jobs. So, you may be asking why I am ranting about this in my blog about change. Good question. Glad you asked. Every year, my family looks forward to tax time. I know that many don't, but we fall below the poverty line. Most of the year this sucks. But, at tax time, this means that we get money back. And usually, it's a lot of money - well, a lot of money for us anyway. We use this money in a lot of different ways. We use it to either catch up on bills we are behind on, put into savings, take care of things we have been putting off, even take care of things we couldn't afford all year long - such as medical and dental issues. Yup, no medical insurance, so gotta find ways to make do without. So, this year was particularly hard on us. We were really looking forward to the tax return. We not only needed to catch up, but we needed to move. Moving is a huge expense, we would have to come up with a lot of money for deposits and such. So, we were holding our breath waiting for our W2s to come in. When they did, I was so excited. It meant we might see light at the end of the tunnel. As I sat doing our taxes, I was a bit puzzled. The amount wasn't quite what I expected, in fact, it was a lot lower than I expected. Sigh, okay, after making sure everything was right, I filed. It wasn't going to be as much of a boost as I thought, but we could work with it. With efile and direct deposit, it should only take a week or so and we should have our money. Both state and federal. Then, we get notice that our state return has been seized for over due property taxes. Sigh, okay, well so it's going to be a bit less than we thought even more. We wait, we wait, no deposit. The IRS site was having problems, no information. Okay, there are delays. We wait. But then, the final blow, we receive notice in the mail that they have seized our federal returns too. No money. No deposit, no help. No boost to help us get out of this hole that seems to get deeper and deeper. Sigh. We can't move. We can't get ahead. So, now what? I spent a day or so depressed about it. Angry. Pretty much just ready to say forget it. Nothing is going to change. Nothing is going to get better. The rich are going to keep getting richer, we are just going to continue busting our butts to fall behind. It's like a frustrating Rubik's cube. I twisted and turned and looked at it over and over. I would like to say that I got all the colors lined up and everything is good now. But it's not. But - it's not going to be that easy. So, instead, I started working on our budget, I started doing more figuring. And, it's going to be okay. It's not the end of the world. We shall persevere. We will get ahead somehow. The right job is out there for me. It's just going to take time to find it. And once again, I have to keep myself on track. I have to remember that all things change, all things pass. This isn't forever, nothing is forever. So, there may be others out there who are doing better. But, I always have to remember that there are also those out there who are doing far worse. So, just like Dory says in Finding Nemo (she's my hero) - just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Goal Progress - Ignore it - It will go away

I always loved little kids when they cover their eyes and believe that since they can't see you, that you can't see them. Cover your eyes and you become invisible. I built an entire philosophy of life on this belief. Close my eyes and ignore it and it will go away. It works wonders for all kinds of things. Bills, medical problems, people, stress, all go away if you ignore them long enough. Right? See, here is my standard of operation when confronted with something that I don't have an answer to - go to bed. If it's still there when I wake up - ignore it. If it calls my phone - don't answer. If it sends me a letter in the mail, put it in a pile and ignore it. If it hurts, ignore it. If it doesn't kill me - it will go away. Easy peasey. Okay, so maybe it isn't the best solution to life, but I have done it so long, avoided so much, that it is hard to turn around and face the music. There have been various times in my life where I have put my foot down. I have determined that it was time to get my duckies in a row. I have gotten myself back on track. I have dealt with all that needs dealt with. But somehow, I keep returning to this policy of ignore it and it will go away. Now, granted, it's not always things that I can do something about. But even the thought of opening all the cans of worms can be terrifying. Now, maybe I'm the only one who is afraid to deal with things. Maybe everyone else doesn't quake at the thought of dealing with bill collectors, or doctors, or bosses. But me, I just cover my eyes and turn invisible. Let me give you some examples. My health. There have been very few time in my life when I actually had health insurance. I've not had jobs that offered it, or I couldn't afford it, or whatever. But, my idea is - if you are not dead, it will go away. There have been a few times when I couldn't ignore it any longer, and ended up in the ER. But, everything else just got better. Or fell apart and I learned to live with it. I only consider it serious enough to be dealt with if it is bad enough to go to the hospital for. Bills are another biggie that I have a hard time dealing with. I know there isn't enough money to pay them all, so don't look at the bank account, don't answer the phone when they call, don't open the bills they mail me. Why? So I can know just how broke I am? So I can tell them I have no money to give them? Now, granted, some of them do things like cut off our power, our gas, or try to repossess our car. So, yeah, those you put off to the very last minute and then scramble desperately to stop that from happening. Now, don't get me wrong - we do pay our bills monthly. It's not like I completely ignore reality. But, when you fall behind and there is no money to catch up, you start robbing Peter to pay Paul and determine who you are going to ignore this month. I know, I know, I know, it is better if you call them and tell them that you can't pay them this month and make arrangements to make up what you owe next month or whatever. But that would seriously break my rule of ignoring them. Right now I am struggling to get all my student loans into deferment. My husband's old loans, which we ignored, finally garnished his wages. But, I am trying to keep that from happening to mine. But it's a nightmare So, I'm trying hard not to crawl into my safe, little shell and ignore it. It's not going to go away. I know it's not going to go away. None of it is. I know that in order to get my duckies in a row, I'm going to have to deal with all of them. All of it - life, health, bills, everything. Sigh, I miss my shell. It's so much easier to ignore it. All I can do is deal with things one at a time. I am not the first person to ever struggle. I am not the only person to ever fall behind. But just as I have taken steps to stand up for myself and learn to say no - I also have to learn how to stand up and be proactive in life - not just ignore it until it goes away.

Thoughts - No More Lonely Nights

For those of you who don't know, I work midnight shift at a front desk of a hotel. It's a fairly simple job, being an auditor. We do pretty much everything a front desk person does, but we also do some financial processing and reporting. That being said, it's not a book keeping job really, nor is it difficult to do. A monkey could do my job pretty much. But, one thing it does have is lots of solitude. Lots of quiet. You work alone. Pretty much everyone in the hotel is asleep. Now, you do get your interesting nights where the drunks stop by and hit on you, an occasional emergency, or clogged toilet. But - yeah - a lot of solitude. Now, I am lucky, I get to bring my laptop with me here to work and they have wifi here. So, it helps pass the long, lonely nights. No one really bothers me, I rarely see the bosses, I rarely see my co-workers for more than 5 minutes at shift change coming on and off. Rarely see guests. So, you kind of get use to not dealing with people.

Now, for someone like me who has trouble with social interaction, it can be perfect. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not afraid of people. I do not have a phobia about being in public. I don't panic at the thought of going to a party. Well, maybe a little. I just really don't like being around large groups of people. I don't like the noise, I don't like the energy, I don't like people being in "my space". I don't like dealing with the drama. I have worked retail, I have worked day shift in hotels, I have worked several different office jobs, social service jobs, and the list goes on. So, yes, I can do it. But honestly, it's kind of like a muscle to me. I have let my social skills get out of shape. Being alone 5 nights a week all night, I have lost my ability to be social. I sleep all day, and when I am up, I am doing family things - not social things. I rarely get time to myself. And when I do, I usually do something solitary. So, the long and short of it - I have become pretty anti-social.

You may be asking about now, why does this matter? Why is she telling us all this? Well, I'm glad you asked. Because it's time to find a new job. It's time to be done with this and find a job with better hours, more pay, better benefits and a future. Right. Go for it. Get a move on. What are you waiting for? Why are you still here? Why have you been doing this for 6 years? You have been saying you are done with this job for quite awhile now, so why are you still doing it? Um, your still sitting here. Why are you dragging your feet? Why have you not done too much about it? Why are you STILL making excuses. Don't have my degree yet. Can't find anything that pays enough. Have to update my resume. Still looking for the right hours. Don't have anyone to watch my son after school. Haven't heard back from them. The excuses go on. And, I'm not saying they aren't true - every one of them is a valid point. We do have to have someone to watch our son if I change my hours. And, I do have to make enough money to pay that someone to watch them. And, daycare is expensive. And I don't trust many people to watch my son. So, yes, I'm not saying that these are lies. But... and this is the biggy.... I'm doing nothing to over come these hurdles. Why?

Processing data..... please wait. Wow, the answer is... I'm scared. I'm scared of failure. I'm scared of not being good enough. I'm scared of change. I'm scared of having to deal with people again. I'm scared of falling short. What if I get this new job and people don't like me? What happens when I have to deal with real, living, breathing people again? What if I don't catch on fast enough? What if? That's what it all boils down to. I am sabotaging my own life by being held back by fear. That little tiny word - fear - that keeps so many people from doing so many things. That itsy bitsy emotion that causes soooo many big problems. It causes people to be unhappy, it causes people to kill, it causes war. Heck, there are some people who live their entire lives so afraid they never actually live. Do I want to be that type of person? Do I want to be the one who never achieves because they never try?

No. I don't want to be that person. I started this blog about change this year. I have set my goals. I am working on these goals. I am changing. I am going to stop being afraid and do it. The time is now, seize the day. I can do this. I am not going to let fear rule me or my life. Yes, change is scary. Yes, I may fail. But, I am not going to lose because I was afraid to try. I am not going to hide in this lonely little job any more. I need to face my fears and move forward. Wish me luck. I'm going job hunting.

Goal Progress - Life After the Internet

As I emerge from behind my computer screen, rubbing my eyes in pain at the sunlight, I am amazed that there is a whole other world out there. I cringe at the thought of leaving my cave, but some things must be done. I must bravely set forth into this new world called life.

Okay, so maybe I'm not quite that bad. But, there are a few people who probably think I am. And, to be totally honest with you (and myself) I really need to cut back the amount of time I spend online. It is an addiction like any other - hard to kick. When I look at how much time I spend on this thing, it's kind of scary. I have actually known people who were addicted to things like World of Warcraft and Sim Social, and other games that can suck your brains and the life right out of you. And since I am not addicted to one of those games, I thought - heck I can't be that bad. I'm not like the person who loses all touch with reality and plays at being someone they aren't in real life. Right? Right? Sure, let's hear another excuse while I check my Facebook account one more time real quick. Ooo, there's a new blog post. Wait, where was I? Okay, so yeah, I'm so totally not addicted to my internet. I can quit at any time and walk away from the computer. Just as soon as I check my email. Hey, I just got a message from Bill Gates that I may have one a new computer!! Wait, where was I again?? So, what I was saying is - I'm so not one of those people who uses computer slang in my normal conversations. LOL I will never be one of those people. But, did you know that you can find out the average heart rate of the African Swallow on Wiki? And then, the computer is also such a learning tool. YouTube has instructional videos on just about anything. Did you know that there is a YouTube video on how to get a real life and get off the internet? I gotta bookmark that one to watch later. When I am done checking out my number of hits on my blog. And liking every comment made by my 2050 friends on Facebook. And finish chatting with 5 different people in 5 different windows. Oh no, this person I have never met and never even talked to just lost their job. You know, the fact that I have 3 different browsers to handle different things, a chat handler program that allows me to be logged into 7 different chat programs at once, can multi-task in at least 5 to 10 windows at once, and could really use another monitor doesn't mean I'm addicted. Honest. I can walk away at any time. I would not go through withdraw if I didn't have the internet. Hey, what do you mean that window won't load? How am I going to see that cute video of a kitten playing with an orangutang if it won't load? Dammit!!! Anyway, so yeah, if I lost my internet, which has happened, I would simply find other things to do with my time. Like, sit at the table, looking at my computer, wondering if I could sell my own blood to pay the bill and get it turned back on. Doesn't everyone do that? And besides, the computer is a useful tool for all kinds of things. I can edit all kinds of documents, create videos, do budgeting, find out about anything - I need this computer. I seem to recall a long, long.... long time ago when I had to look up things in these things called books? Jeez, how did we ever get anything done before google? Now, there are times when I get these strange twinges about it. I do belong to an awesome book club. I found it online. I made a wish list of books that I want and once a month, for only 9.95, they ship me the first book on my list and it's delivered right to my doorstep. How handy is that. A book a month. Now granted, I haven't read the last 5 books I've gotten, but they are doing a great job of propping up my entertainment center that is breaking. And you know, I will read them. I promise. I do remember how to read a book. So, you know, I'm not that bad. Honest I'm not. The fact that I can find my home keys in the dark, with my eyes closed, and type like the wind just means I'm accomplished. This is a useful skill. And, the fact that I have a game that I play that allows me to set up virtual fish tanks that I clean and feed every day is not strange. I never spend real money on the games, so it's harmless right? I don't understand why my family and friends would be upset that I send them, oh 10 or 20 requests to feed my fish a day. It's all fun. And it's relaxing, right? We all need to relax. That is a good thing. The fact that there is drama online doesn't affect me at all. I see this as an opportunity to hone my psychology skills acting as online counselor for the multitude of people who swamp me with their many problems. The fact that I have been cussed out by someone I don't know, from somewhere I have never been, for something I didn't say or do is just one of the facts of internet life. And we all need a life, right? Why should it matter if it's online or off?

Sigh. Okay. All joking aside. I do have issues. I do need to start balancing my life more. Now, I will never give up my internet. I do have very good friends I have made online. Friends I consider as real and as important as other people in my life. And those people know who they are. I don't need to reassure them that I am not talking about them. And I do use the internet in ways that improve my life. I helped found a site that is very important to me. It has helped me grow and learn as a person, it has taught me a lot about me, my spiritual path, and friendships. I also use the computer to stay in touch with friends and family that I don't get to see enough. It's a wonderful communication tool. And I do use it for enjoyment, entertainment, and relaxation. I also use it to learn and share. Such as this blog. But, there is also limitations to it. Somehow, somewhere, there has to be a balance. At some point, I need to disconnect from the computer, and reconnect with life outside this virtual reality. So, for now, I'll say goodby and try to go find that thing they call a real life. Until we meet again - would you check my facebook and like this post, please?