Challenges - Fight or Flight

I am a very laid back, non-confrontational person. Well, more than that even, I actively avoid confrontation, to the point of hiding from it. I really dislike confrontation. I don't often stand up for myself. I often agree with people when I don't really agree with them. Probably not the best stance to take. It often leads to frustration, being trapped in situations I don't want to be in, stress, depression, feelings of helplessness. So, what happens when all that happens? It builds up until I explode. I eventually do reach a breaking point. And it's not usually pretty. And it's not always at the person who deserves it. And I'm not always fair when I do get mad. And I am not nice. And I sometimes say things and do things I regret because I let the emotions rule me rather than logic. Being a bipolar Gemini probably doesn't help with this. When I was a young child, I was considered "agreeable". When I was a teenager, I was out of control. Then I was "reserved". Then I was out of control. Hmm, I see a pattern here. I know the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Being most of the way to claiming the title of psychologist - yeah, I know what's going on. I understand it. I know what I should be doing. I know how I should be dealing with things. It all looks so easy on paper. Then again - my son's picture of an airplane looks like it should fly too... on paper. But I doubt it would. Why is it that it is so easy to make decisions, yet so hard to follow through with them? Why do we sabotage ourselves in so many ways? I see the patterns, I recognize that I am doing them. Why do I continue to do them?

Emotions are here to stay - all of them. The good, the bad, and the ugly. You can't ignore them, you can't escape them. They don't go away. Everyone gets mad, hurt, angry, frustrated, stressed, depressed, happy, silly, loving, emotional. It's what you do with this mess of emotions that counts. Swallowing them until they build up and explode hasn't worked all this time, so, what can I do to change it? I mean honestly, not the textbook solution. It's really easy to read in a book how fly an airplane. That doesn't qualify you to fly one. It's also very easy to look at a situation and say "next time that happens, I should...." but not always easy to do the next time it happens. Especially when it comes to emotions. Emotions often have a mind of their own. Especially the strong ones, the ones that spend their off time pumping iron and preparing. The ones like Anger, who is pushy, rude, mean, and nasty. Anger has a temper. Anger likes to break things, throw things, hurt, maim, and kill. Given uncontrolled freedom, Anger can destroy lives. So how do you keep Anger from destroying you? Obviously my idea of keeping him under lock and key isn't working, he always seems to break free from the cage and go on rampages. Maybe it's like that fart in public that you just can't hold in. You know, the one you try to let out just a little at a time, hoping no one will notice. Or maybe the Bitch Mode works. You know, the "that time of the month" attitude where you simply rant and rave about absolutely everything. How about Anger in Disguise - where you get together with some close girlfriends and rip apart someone who you all hate, or isn't there. Then there is the Sneak Attack. That is the anger where you are angry about something else, but pretend you aren't and attack someone about something trivial. Like your spouse leaves their dishes in the sink, and you explode - even though you do to. But you are actually pissed off because they did something else completely unrelated. There are tons of ways that we deal with this beast. And to be honest, I don't know many people, aside from like the Dalai Lama, who deals with it well. It seems everyone struggles with this. Now, I do wish I could be like the Dalai Lama who seems to be so wise and able to be at peace no matter what. But somehow I don't think the Dalai Lama would be so peaceful if he lived my life. Or maybe if I were more peaceful like him, I wouldn't need to deal with so much anger. Or maybe this is kind a moot point.

So, here I am, this mess of emotions running a race, with anger pulling into the lead, pushing all the others off the track. I need to find a way to rein it in and control it. I can't keep going from calm, calm, calm, psycho. Honestly, I would like to tell you my plan of action, how I plan to overcome this challenge. But I don't know. I honestly don't know what to do about this one. I'll have to think about it and try to come back later and answer this question. Hopefully I will find one soon. Before the creature destroys my life.