Goal Progress - THIS IS SPARTA!

Motivation is a funny thing. You get motivated - it helps you get things done. You get through things and feel a sense of accomplishment. But what about when it's a lot of things, or a big thing, or something that takes a long time. Like this blog - what if it is all kinds of life changes you want to make. So, how do you stay inspired? How do you stay motivated? I almost forgot why I was doing this blog. I mean, it's nice to share with everyone. It's nice to get comments. It's nice to have a place to vent a bit. But this blog was made to motivate me. It was made for me - to inspire me to make the changes I wanted to make in my life. I kind of forgot that and lost my motivation. But, the key to that is to realize I'm not motivated and use this blog to re-motivate me! So, today, I went back and re-read my blog. I re-read my ideas, my thoughts, my goals. And it did what it was suppose to do - it re-motivated me. It got me back into a frame of mind with forward motion. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

So, it's a bright new day. The sun is shining. The day is new. And I'm on a mission. Don't just say - do! I created a different kind of goal list today. It takes each of my goals I want to work on right now, breaks it into smaller bites. Steps for each one - but it also is putting a face, a name, and a DATE to it. The date is important. It's easy to say - yup, that's what I'm going to do. But no accountability. The date keeps me honest. Now, I'm sure at some point life will rear it's ugly head (it always does) and things will come up. But - putting a date to it keeps the forward motion going. How do you eat a whole elephant? One bite at a time. I've got a feast before me and it's time to get busy. I've got the tools, I've got the skills. I've got the knowledge. I've got the support. There is no reason this should not happen. Failure is NOT acceptable. Status quo is not good enough. I'm taking names and kicking ass. I am Kimber, hear me ROAR!

Goal Progress - Don't Pull The Trigger

Back in the day of the cavemen, stress was important. It was a way they survived. They would have to trigger the fight or flight response when confronted by things that could kill them. These days, there isn't as much call for that. Now, maybe if I were living in a war torn nation, or maybe dangerous city streets, it would be an issue as well. But honestly, I don't. I live in a fairly nice town, in a fairly nice neighborhood, where day to day living isn't all that dangerous. Yet, I put my body through stress all the time. I allow the things I confront in my day to day life to trigger stress. Now, when stress happens, a lot goes on in your body - like in the days of the cavemen, it prepares for fight or flight mode. Which in a life or death situation, is a great reaction to have - it would often save your life. But in day to day life, probably not as essential. Probably not going to save my life. If anything, it is going to shorten my life due to the toll it takes on my body. Prolonged stress is very hard on your body, as well as causes many other health issues, and can even kill you. 

Stress can be triggered by a great deal of things - deadlines at work, problems with money, burning dinner, whatever may be. My stresses are prolonged stresses. Things that don't have quick easy fixes. But.. they also don't have to be daily stresses. I have found that I tend to get thrown into a tail spin by absolutely everything anymore. I wake up and within the hour am stressed out about something. I don't go through a day without at least once feeling out of control or over loaded. So, what triggers my stress? What makes me feel over loaded? What sends me into those tail spins? Well, on the surface, it almost makes sense, dealing with kids, pets, work, husband, friends, family, too much to do. So, you look at it and say "Yeah, I should be stressed!" But that's not the right answer. That's not the healthy answer. The healthy right answer is - how can I learn how to cope with these things every day WITHOUT stressing and losing control. So, dig a little deeper, look a little harder, and find out what those triggers are. What is it that really sends me over the edge. But more than looking for those triggers, but make changes so those triggers are not there. Now, chances are I'm not going to get rid of the kids, the pets, the husband, the job, the bills, etc. And even if I did - chances are, I would find other things to stress about. So I think I'll keep the ones I have. I'm pretty fond of the kids and hubby. So, how do I stop stressing it all? It's changing my response to those triggers. Once I figure out what it is that makes me feel all the stress, I can look for new responses to those things. 

So, let's look at one of the situations I have identified. Saturday afternoons can be crazy at my house. I usually have both sons at home as well as the cat and dog. So, one son is usually on the computer playing music. I've got another one on the game system playing a game. Then I have the dog who usually wants to go out at the worst possible time. Then if not that, she is chewing on something or fighting with the cat. Lots of noise, lots going on. I'm usually trying to clean or cook. And the kids usually want me to pay attention to them. Add in the phone, the computer, and whatever other random thing happens on any given day. My definition of it - chaos. Chaos to me equals stress. Big time stress. Once it reaches a peak, I usually end up yelling at someone. Or feeling out of control. Then I am no use to anyone. So, I know this. I know how it is going to happen. It happens every Saturday. And while I want to be home with my boys, I want to get things done around the house, I don't want the chaos. I don't want the stress. So. I've identified what happens and what it does to me. There are a couple of different things I can do. I can make changes in how things happen. And I can also change how I react to them. I haven't decided yet exactly how I am going to change these things yet. But I now know that it doesn't have to be like this. I know that in order to feel better, reduce the stress, and be happier, I do have to change things. 

So, what's the plan boss? Here is my current plan. I want to sit down and honestly look at my life, where the stresses lie. What my triggers are. Then I am going to list the changes I want to mke so that those triggers aren't triggered constantly. A chart if you will, that will plan out my new reactions to these triggers. Changes I can make so that I don't have to have those triggers. It's a double attack. Fighting stress with both barrels. I'm sure that it will be hard at first. These triggers and their reactions are ingrained. You use them like bad habits. Something happens - you respond. The same thing happens - you respond the same way. It gets to be a way of life, a normal reaction. But, it doesn't have to be that way. It can change. And then, the new, healthier, less stressed reaction will become the norm. And life gets better. I'm all for better.

Goal Progress - 45 hours, 49 minutes, 32 seconds. Just Do It

So the amount of advice out there, products out there, and warnings out there for quitting smoking are endless. There are sites online, doctors, apps for your phone, studies, and a million different ways to try. As well as those people who have quit themselves who are always willing to offer advice, non-smokers who are willing to push you to quit. And there are a million reasons TO quit. Money, health, health of family, appearance, smell, money, oh, and did I mention the money you would save? So, you want to quit smoking? There are bound to be a lot of different people who will help you do it. But honestly - they can't. There are products out there that tons of people use to quit - and sometimes they even work. There are plenty of chances to quit - which many of us don't take. Or we set the date, get all revved up to do it, and then don't. We play tricks on ourselves and others. We lie about it - to ourselves and others. We think we will cut down. We think we can set all kinds of goofy rules. You know those rules if you are trying to quit. I will only smoke every other day, with my left hand, outside where no one will see me. Or I will never smoke in the car with the kids. Which often lasts until the next jerk cuts you off in traffic and you get stressed.  I will stop smoking inside the house. Which lasts until the first rainy day or the temperature drops. Where do we come up with some of these idea for strange rules we will follow? That we follow for a week or two. Or until we hit a bar and have a few drinks. Have you ever noticed that no matter what you do to quit - a few drinks and it's all down the drain?

And have you noticed that no matter how helpful people try to be when you are quitting, you really want to kill anyone who just even mentions it? I know they are trying to be supportive - but the person who stands there and even speaks to you is looking to be killed. The one who says "You are doing so great" - yeah? You think this is great? It would be great to see you try this. "I'm so glad you are doing this" - oh boy, you are? I'm not. I want to go have a smoke. "You will be so much happier" When? When do I stop wanting to break things? "You will have so much more money" - Yeah? I'm going to need it for a defense attorney after I kill you.

May 1st I quit smoking. Not for the first time. But I believe for the last. I quit cold turkey. No patches, no medications, no gums, no cutting down, no rules, no anything. I just did it. I put out my last cigarette at midnight and said no more. I'm done. Here it is 45 hours and 49 minutes and 32 seconds later. And I think I'm doing pretty good. I haven't actually killed anyone yet. I am not a violent person. I am not an angry person. I am sweet, loving, and gentle with my words. Until you take my cigarettes away. Then, I become a vile, nasty, bitch. I will threaten, I will yell, I will throw things, kick things, spit, cuss and generally hate everyone. I will picture violent scenes in my head, I will want to act them out. I will be mean even when not deserved. Don't ask me to pass the butter. I will throw it at your head. Don't ask me what I want for dinner - I don't want dinner - I want a cigarette. I am hanging in there though. They say the first three days of detox are the worst. Hmm. I am hoping. Because at this going rate, I'm going to end up running tourists down with my car just out of sheer madness.

But, honestly - let's look at this from a realistic standpoint. What is happening for real? I'm trying to beat a very, very strong addiction. I have had drug addicts who were addicted to crack say it was easier to get off of crack than it is to quit smoking. So that is saying something. So, I'm going through withdrawal. My body is craving something and I'm not giving in. My mind says I want it, my body says I want it. But I am saying no. I am shaking. My heart is racing. I have a headache. My stomach is upset. My mouth is dry. I feel like I have bugs crawling under my skin. The addiction to cigarettes is physical. But it is also mental, emotional, and whatever else you want to say it is. It is something that will kill you. But when you quit cold turkey, you stop caring about that. You think - it wasn't so bad when I smoked. It's okay that I had to sell off my first born child to afford a pack of cigarettes. It says something when you are looking at your monthly budget and it's going to be tight. So, do you cut down on the cigarettes? Nope, you will cut food spending, you will cut gas spending, you will even call a bill and tell them it will be late in order to have enough money to get your smokes. There is something seriously, seriously wrong with that.

So, friends and family. It has now been 46 hours, 2 minutes and 45 seconds since I smoked my last cigarette. I am hoping that some time soon I will stop counting the seconds, stop thinking about it all the time, stop wanting to kill everyone I speak to. I hope that in the next few hours, days, weeks, months, and years, I am healthier, happier and going to live longer. But in the mean time - if you call me and I bite your head off for asking me how I am doing - forgive me and know I still love you. I'm just trying to quit smoking.

What? Me Worry?

I am a worrier. I worry about everything, most of the time. I worry about me, my family, the bills, my job, the world, politics, the environment, my car, and on and on and on. Now, I know that worrying about things is not good for me. Stress, blood pressure, and all kinds of other things happen when you worry too much. Letting go, relaxing, and not worrying are much healthier and productive. But, I do, I struggle with it. And recently, that worry hit a high pitch. It seemed like an ocean of waves kept hitting me. Every time I would wrap my mind around everything happening, we would get hit by something else. A couple of weeks ago, I started to seriously wonder if we would be able to steer clear of everything - bills, problems, jobs, kids, car, money. And they weren't small problems. They were big ones, with no clear answer. I spent an entire weekend on my panic meds trying to get a grip. But yet people seemed to keep looking to me for answers. What should we do? What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? How are we going to handle all this? I didn't have any answers, and I was worried. Beyond worried, I was losing my grip. So, after that weekend, I took an honest look at things. Obviously I couldn't go on the way we were going on. I couldn't spend the next, oh say, 10 years on my panic meds. I couldn't solve all the problems in a day. I couldn't even figure out what we were going to have for dinner. It had to stop. Not the problems, they won't go away simply by me deciding that I didn't want to deal with them. But, what could stop was my way of dealing with them. I couldn't worry any more.

There are those who believe in God and can turn it over to him. In fact, I attended a Christian church at one time that had this wooden cross. And by the wooden cross were a hammer, some nails, and slips of paper. When you had a problem you couldn't deal with, you wrote it down on the slip of paper and nailed it to the cross "turning it over to God" and letting it go. Yeah, not so much for me. I'm a bit more of a control freak. Also, I honestly don't believe that simply nailing it to a cross is going to do much for us. But, I did have to let it go. I did have to stop running in circles like Henny Penny. I needed to go back to the baby steps. So, I looked at all the things we needed to deal with and prioritized them. By immediate needs, by time frame, by necessity. And as each one comes up, I am dealing with it. If it isn't next, I am not worrying about it. It doesn't mean I don't think about it at all. But man, that list was so long, and I was going over it in my head again and again. And it was a circle of madness. Who wouldn't feel overwhelmed? but nope, not doing it anymore. One thing at a time. I am one person, I will deal with it as it happens. And amazingly, the stress levels dropped greatly. I got my grip back.

So, a couple of days later, my husband starts asking, what are we going to do about (blank). So I said "I don't know". He looked at me and asked me again. I answered him again "I don't know". Then I asked him "So what are we going to do about (blank)?"  He looked confused. He answered me "I don't know".  I laughed and said - then what makes you think I have any answers? If you have no clue, why should I? He stopped asking. Although I do have to keep him on track with which issue we are dealing with. He keeps wanting to jump ahead, push to deal with more, but I stop him. If he wants to go in circles and worry, let him. Me, I'm not stressing it. Things will work out. Not sure how, not sure when, but they will work out. Sometimes, the less we plan, the better things are. And it sure is a heck of a lot less stressful. Bad things are going to happen. And sometimes lots of bad things happen all at once. We can't stop that. We can't stop life from kicking us in the ass. But, we can choose how we deal with it.

Goal Progress - I'm a Wuss That Can't Commit

If you have seen the movie Dead Again, you may remember this scene. If you haven't, you should watch it. It is a great movie about reincarnation and murder. Awesome movie. But the scene I'm talking about doesn't have a whole lot to do with the movie. Kenneth Branaugh plays a private detective named Mike Church. He locates a psychiatrist who has inherited some money, Dr. Cozy Carlisle, played by Robin Williams. He goes to see him, where he is working in a grocery store due to losing his license. While talking to Carlisle, Church keeps eyeing a pack of cigarettes that are sitting there by Carlisle.

Carlisle "You want a smoke?"
Church "No, no, I'm trying to quit."
Carlisle "Don't say you are trying to quit. Trying to quit is for pussies that can't commit. Either you are a smoker or a non-smoker. Make up your mind which you are and be that. There is no in between."

Well, brilliant words for those who have that kind of strength to commit to something, anything. But, some of us, we are wusses, who can't commit to forever. Imagine if everything were in those terms. Alcoholics Anonymous would not need twelve steps, it would be one step - stop drinking for the rest of your life. People would just be - whatever. But, yeah, I'm not that strong. With smoking, with changing, with so many things. To me, it's all about baby steps. When I look at doing something for the rest of my life, I shake. Be it, oh not smoking, or marriage, or heck - living. Whatever it may be. I don't know many people who can look at something they need to do for the rest of thier lives and not falter a little bit. But, the good thing is, you don't have to do it the rest of your life. You just have to do it now, today, or for the next five minutes. Whatever it takes to get you through. It doesn't seem so intimidating that way. And for me, it carries me through a lot of things. Such as school. When I started back at school, I looked at how long it would take me to finish and thought, I can't do that. I can't work midnight shift, go to school, and take care of my family for the next two years. But I didn't. I took it one class at a time. And got my first degree. When I saw that I could do it, I started my next degree. Two and a half years. Wow, long time to keep doing this. But, again - not forever. Just one class at a time. Then, when I had to stop due to financial aid, I was trapped in this job which is killing me. But, can't quit, can't not have a job. So, while I'm looking for another job, how do I face doing this one? One night at a time. One step at a time. If you break it down to baby steps, it isn't so overwhelming. It's doable.

So, now I've mastered the concept of baby steps. It can be frustrating, especially for someone who likes to make great leaps and bounds (often without looking). I like big changes. But the problem with big changes? They don't stick. To decide suddenly that I am going to going to eat vegetables, and never eat unhealthy foods, probably wouldn't happen. But making one or two small changes in my diet each week, before I know it, a much better diet. I want my entire apartment clean and organized - NOW. But, it is a hard thing to do when we all have bad habits, it's a mess, and there are tons of other demands on my time. So, how do we do this? One baby step at a time. Over time - clean and organized.

So, what am I doing with this brilliant wisdom I have acquired? Well, a lot of different things. I am making changes to my diet. I have cut out fast food. I have stopped drinking sodas. I have cut my sugar intake down. I have tried replacing some of the unhealthy foods I cook with better choices. I am eathing more regular meals (at least as much as I can on my schedule). So those are a few of my changes to my diet. I have also started the task of organizing my apartment. It's little steps, which are harder because I am fighting against the tide of other people. But, I got laundry sorters, picked up as much of the  laundry as I could, and have been trying to do at least a load a day. We aren't caught up, but we aqre getting there. I have also gotten rid of 7 bags of clothes to the thrift store. More to come. Each step I take helps me to build the confidence I need to take the next baby step. And now, I am ready for a bigger baby step. I want to quit smoking. Wow, a biggie for me. I have tried and tried and tried. I've tried cold turkey, I've tried medications, I have tried the gum, the patch, the smokeless cigarettes. I've been to a hypnotist. All failed, big time. I never lasted for more than a week or two. And I have to quit. I have to. I hate smoking. But I can't even imagine not smoking for the rest of my life. Wait a minute - I don't have to quit smoking for the rest of my life. I can just quit smoking for today. Or this morning. Or this hour. Or this 5 minutes. That I can' do. I can make sure I don't smoke in the next 5 minutes. And this hour. And this morning. After that, I don't have to worry about. Because for now - baby steps are enough. Baby steps get you there just as well as giant leaps. And there is far less of a chance of breaking something in the jump.

Goal Progress - Does It Really Matter?

Rush, rush, rush. Go here, run there, do this, take that. We all live crazy lives. Most everyone I know feels like they are living a day late and a dollar short. We all commiserate about how busy we are and how little time we have. Some are worse than others. I have talked before about priorities. I know I struggle with putting everything at top priority. And there are often things that absolutely need to be done. I can't forget to feed my kids. I can't just not go to work. So yes, there are things that do have to be done. But, really, is everything that important? I know there are times when I stress myself out when I don't need to. There are times when I allow myself (note the important - allow myself) to get stressed when in all honesty, it's just not that important. I'm trying to cook dinner, take care of my son, the dog, chat on the computer, answer my phone, all at the same time. I find myself tense, stressed, and usually unhappy about it. Who wouldn't be unhappy about it - it's chaos?   But the other day, I was sitting at home in morning, having just got my son off to school - I was going through my head all the things I should do before I went to bed. I should call my mom, I should clean up the kitchen, I should..... yeah. But I'm tired. I need sleep. That proverbial light bulb goes off in my head. What if I just didn't do it? What if I just didn't do any of it and just went to bed? Would the world end? No. Talking to my mom could wait. The kitchen could wait. The laundry could wait. All of it could wait. Or better yet, my husband could help. See, part of my problem is that I believe if I don't do it, it won't get done. But, honestly, he can do it too. He knows how to clean a kitchen and do laundry. But, instead of asking him for help, I allow myself to feel burdened and stressed. So, instead of doing any of it - I went to bed. And felt better for it.

When my phone rings, or I get a text, even when I am busy, I jump to answer it. Whenever I am doing something online and a chat box opens up, even if I am busy, I jump to answer them. Like I have to be on call 24/7. And if I don't answer them fast enough - uh oh. Why? I have no clue. What would happen if I wait 5 minutes to return the call or answer the text? What if I didn't answer the chat box? Will they get mad, hate me, and never talk to me again? Chances are - no. And if they do, do I really need them in my life? Those who know and love me know what my life is like. They realize I am juggling a million balls all at once. If they feel the need to get upset because I can't get back to them right away, it's their problem, not mine. I use to keep my phone right by my head when I slept. And when it would ring, I would struggle to wake up, put on my glasses and read who the call was from. Yikes, yeah, no wonder I'm tired. So, really - is the world going to end? No. I've talked all about changing my priorities. I've talked the talk, it's time, once again friends, to walk the walk. I have all kinds of nifty sayings to back me up. Like "Just because you have something urgent, doesn't mean it's an emergency for me" and "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind". I truly need to realize what is important immediately, and what can wait. Burning dinner, not an option - sleeping through a phone call, completely acceptable. Not returning a text in 5 minutes or less, not a priority. I am not Domino's Pizza. I never set the 30 minutes or less rule. Instead of getting stressed out and panicked trying to do everything at once. I need to recognize those times, stop and take a deep breath, and reset those priorities. Maybe that means sending the son to his room and crating the dog. Maybe it means taking myself off the grid by turning off the computer and phone. Gasp, someone might need me. Well, they can call Underdog, this person needs to focus. I know I will struggle with this one. For some reason, I have programmed myself to be a beck and call girl. But - with practice, I'm sure I can do this. I can stop the insanity and organize my time and energy better. There are only so many hours in a day, and only one of me. I need to stop acting like the world will end every time I am not there to save it. I will leave saving the day to Superman and start acting like one person, with limited resources. Because when it all boils down to it - does it really matter? I mean  really?

Goal Progress - Farewell Facebook Games

There is a fine line between entertainment and addiction. It is also easy to ignore things that you don't want to see. When I started this blog one of the goals I set for myself was less time wasted on the computer. I said I wanted to do it, but maybe didn't really want to commit to it. You know how we do that. We know what is good for us, we know how to make good choices, yet we still do things that aren't healthy. And then we cover it up, or lie about it, or delude ourselves into thinking it isn't so bad. A theme I have mentioned here in my blog before. Today's evil I am talking about? Facebook. Now, Facebook itself is not evil (although my husband is convinced it is). No, honestly, it is an awesome site where I have been able to connect with many family members and friends. Some from high school, some from through out my life. So, how could it be a bad thing? How could staying in touch with friends and family be bad? Take a look at the games. Those time consuming, all invading, addictive games. Farmville, Hidden Chronicals, Fish World, Words With Friends. Just start, invite a few friends, add another app, and before you know it - it will take over your life like a drug. Before you know it, days of your life disappear. There was one woman who even killed her child over a Facebook game. No way. Not me. I could never be that bad. Right? I can handle it, just one game, just a few minutes a day, just a few games, just one more. Yup, gone. I was a goner.

Hi, my name is Kimber, and I was a Facebook Game Addict. Recovered. Yes, recovered. I took a step back and truly analyzed my time. Now, here's the thing. Working midnight shift at the hotel is generally boring. I have 8 hours to fill, and about 1 hour worth of work. So, that's 7 hours of staying awake. At night. Alone. When I was taking online classes, that wasn't enough time. Now that I'm not taking classes, yeah - it's an eternity. But, I was lucky, some of my friends are insomniacs. They stay up at night for various reasons. So I got invited to the games. So heck, why not. It passes the time. Then, a few more, then, more. Then, I would leave work, come home, play the games while I got my son ready for school and go to bed. Then, I would play them all night, come home, play them in the morning, put son on bus, and stay up awhile to play some more. THEN, get up in the evening, log on and play, pack up, go to work and play, then come home and play. Um, how many hours is that? Yeah, took over my life. Now, I have felt sad (and laughed) at those people who get addicted things like World of Warcraft or Sims. I mean come on, we live in reality, right? Um, yeah, I was obsessed with imaginary fish, in an imaginary fish world. Now, that being said. It is not evil. It is not the game. It is the mind set. When my priorities changed. When I started delaying life to play a game. That's when it became a bad thing. And, I was shocked, when I resisted changing it. But, I prevailed. I have over come. I have kicked the habit.

When I did finally realize it (for real) that I needed to get rid of the games, I did make a clean break. I got rid of the fish, the word games, the hidden object games, the friend games, the "friends". I cleaned out so far over 100 people I didn't know, didn't talk to, didn't even realize were on my friends list. And there are more to go. They were "game friends". People who needed more friends, to get more stuff in the games. More gifts, more coins, more energy. Yeah, when I look at it now - I have no clue how it all happened. So, I emerge victorious from Facebook, into the light of day. One small step for man, one HUGE step towards my goals. I am strangely proud of myself.

Goal Progress - Bad Things Happen To Good People

We all know that bad things happen to good people, and that good things happen to bad people in life sometimes. But sometimes it seems like the bad people get ahead more than the good. If you look at a drug dealer pulling up in a nice car, with nice clothes, and pulling out wads of money. Or the politicians who get paid amazingly well to screw the common people. That kind of thing. Yet the honest, hard working people, the ones who do the day to day jobs live paycheck to paycheck. And then turn around and get hit again and again. Now, this is not always the case, but I see more and more of it every day. I have more and more friends who were doing okay are now struggling and looking for help. Now, I know not everyone agrees that the government should offer "hand outs". That there shouldn't be welfare, that there shouldn't be extended unemployment benefits. But, what are the people suppose to do who honestly want to work, want to support their families and can't? What about the ones willing to do any job they can find for a paycheck? They say that the illegals here in this country are doing jobs that Americans don't want to do. But honestly, every person I know that is looking for work is willing to do any job they can find. There is no unwanted jobs. So, you may be asking why I am ranting about this in my blog about change. Good question. Glad you asked. Every year, my family looks forward to tax time. I know that many don't, but we fall below the poverty line. Most of the year this sucks. But, at tax time, this means that we get money back. And usually, it's a lot of money - well, a lot of money for us anyway. We use this money in a lot of different ways. We use it to either catch up on bills we are behind on, put into savings, take care of things we have been putting off, even take care of things we couldn't afford all year long - such as medical and dental issues. Yup, no medical insurance, so gotta find ways to make do without. So, this year was particularly hard on us. We were really looking forward to the tax return. We not only needed to catch up, but we needed to move. Moving is a huge expense, we would have to come up with a lot of money for deposits and such. So, we were holding our breath waiting for our W2s to come in. When they did, I was so excited. It meant we might see light at the end of the tunnel. As I sat doing our taxes, I was a bit puzzled. The amount wasn't quite what I expected, in fact, it was a lot lower than I expected. Sigh, okay, after making sure everything was right, I filed. It wasn't going to be as much of a boost as I thought, but we could work with it. With efile and direct deposit, it should only take a week or so and we should have our money. Both state and federal. Then, we get notice that our state return has been seized for over due property taxes. Sigh, okay, well so it's going to be a bit less than we thought even more. We wait, we wait, no deposit. The IRS site was having problems, no information. Okay, there are delays. We wait. But then, the final blow, we receive notice in the mail that they have seized our federal returns too. No money. No deposit, no help. No boost to help us get out of this hole that seems to get deeper and deeper. Sigh. We can't move. We can't get ahead. So, now what? I spent a day or so depressed about it. Angry. Pretty much just ready to say forget it. Nothing is going to change. Nothing is going to get better. The rich are going to keep getting richer, we are just going to continue busting our butts to fall behind. It's like a frustrating Rubik's cube. I twisted and turned and looked at it over and over. I would like to say that I got all the colors lined up and everything is good now. But it's not. But - it's not going to be that easy. So, instead, I started working on our budget, I started doing more figuring. And, it's going to be okay. It's not the end of the world. We shall persevere. We will get ahead somehow. The right job is out there for me. It's just going to take time to find it. And once again, I have to keep myself on track. I have to remember that all things change, all things pass. This isn't forever, nothing is forever. So, there may be others out there who are doing better. But, I always have to remember that there are also those out there who are doing far worse. So, just like Dory says in Finding Nemo (she's my hero) - just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Goal Progress - Life After the Internet

As I emerge from behind my computer screen, rubbing my eyes in pain at the sunlight, I am amazed that there is a whole other world out there. I cringe at the thought of leaving my cave, but some things must be done. I must bravely set forth into this new world called life.

Okay, so maybe I'm not quite that bad. But, there are a few people who probably think I am. And, to be totally honest with you (and myself) I really need to cut back the amount of time I spend online. It is an addiction like any other - hard to kick. When I look at how much time I spend on this thing, it's kind of scary. I have actually known people who were addicted to things like World of Warcraft and Sim Social, and other games that can suck your brains and the life right out of you. And since I am not addicted to one of those games, I thought - heck I can't be that bad. I'm not like the person who loses all touch with reality and plays at being someone they aren't in real life. Right? Right? Sure, let's hear another excuse while I check my Facebook account one more time real quick. Ooo, there's a new blog post. Wait, where was I? Okay, so yeah, I'm so totally not addicted to my internet. I can quit at any time and walk away from the computer. Just as soon as I check my email. Hey, I just got a message from Bill Gates that I may have one a new computer!! Wait, where was I again?? So, what I was saying is - I'm so not one of those people who uses computer slang in my normal conversations. LOL I will never be one of those people. But, did you know that you can find out the average heart rate of the African Swallow on Wiki? And then, the computer is also such a learning tool. YouTube has instructional videos on just about anything. Did you know that there is a YouTube video on how to get a real life and get off the internet? I gotta bookmark that one to watch later. When I am done checking out my number of hits on my blog. And liking every comment made by my 2050 friends on Facebook. And finish chatting with 5 different people in 5 different windows. Oh no, this person I have never met and never even talked to just lost their job. You know, the fact that I have 3 different browsers to handle different things, a chat handler program that allows me to be logged into 7 different chat programs at once, can multi-task in at least 5 to 10 windows at once, and could really use another monitor doesn't mean I'm addicted. Honest. I can walk away at any time. I would not go through withdraw if I didn't have the internet. Hey, what do you mean that window won't load? How am I going to see that cute video of a kitten playing with an orangutang if it won't load? Dammit!!! Anyway, so yeah, if I lost my internet, which has happened, I would simply find other things to do with my time. Like, sit at the table, looking at my computer, wondering if I could sell my own blood to pay the bill and get it turned back on. Doesn't everyone do that? And besides, the computer is a useful tool for all kinds of things. I can edit all kinds of documents, create videos, do budgeting, find out about anything - I need this computer. I seem to recall a long, long.... long time ago when I had to look up things in these things called books? Jeez, how did we ever get anything done before google? Now, there are times when I get these strange twinges about it. I do belong to an awesome book club. I found it online. I made a wish list of books that I want and once a month, for only 9.95, they ship me the first book on my list and it's delivered right to my doorstep. How handy is that. A book a month. Now granted, I haven't read the last 5 books I've gotten, but they are doing a great job of propping up my entertainment center that is breaking. And you know, I will read them. I promise. I do remember how to read a book. So, you know, I'm not that bad. Honest I'm not. The fact that I can find my home keys in the dark, with my eyes closed, and type like the wind just means I'm accomplished. This is a useful skill. And, the fact that I have a game that I play that allows me to set up virtual fish tanks that I clean and feed every day is not strange. I never spend real money on the games, so it's harmless right? I don't understand why my family and friends would be upset that I send them, oh 10 or 20 requests to feed my fish a day. It's all fun. And it's relaxing, right? We all need to relax. That is a good thing. The fact that there is drama online doesn't affect me at all. I see this as an opportunity to hone my psychology skills acting as online counselor for the multitude of people who swamp me with their many problems. The fact that I have been cussed out by someone I don't know, from somewhere I have never been, for something I didn't say or do is just one of the facts of internet life. And we all need a life, right? Why should it matter if it's online or off?

Sigh. Okay. All joking aside. I do have issues. I do need to start balancing my life more. Now, I will never give up my internet. I do have very good friends I have made online. Friends I consider as real and as important as other people in my life. And those people know who they are. I don't need to reassure them that I am not talking about them. And I do use the internet in ways that improve my life. I helped found a site that is very important to me. It has helped me grow and learn as a person, it has taught me a lot about me, my spiritual path, and friendships. I also use the computer to stay in touch with friends and family that I don't get to see enough. It's a wonderful communication tool. And I do use it for enjoyment, entertainment, and relaxation. I also use it to learn and share. Such as this blog. But, there is also limitations to it. Somehow, somewhere, there has to be a balance. At some point, I need to disconnect from the computer, and reconnect with life outside this virtual reality. So, for now, I'll say goodby and try to go find that thing they call a real life. Until we meet again - would you check my facebook and like this post, please?

Goal Progress - Leggo My Ego

You make me so mad. You hurt me so much. You make me feel so worthless. Why do you make me feel this way? Why? Because I let you. I allow you to influence how I feel, how I think, how I feel about myself and how I act. It is not all your fault. Now, don't get me wrong - it is not right to push, hurt, manipulate, and insult others. But, it is up to me to let you do that to me. If I chose not to let you, then you can't. I can chose not to listen. I can chose to set my own self-worth. I can chose not to get angry. I can decide not to get mad and to let it go. So, you think I'm worthless? I don't. I find value in myself. I know I am worthy, I know I am a good person. I also won't take the blame for your mistakes. I won't feel guilty for things that you do. I won't allow myself to be manipulated into doing things that I don't want to do. Or things that aren't healthy for me.

How many of us let others set our view of ourselves? All of us. It's inevitable in some ways. We learn our self-worth from our parents. If our parents start our lives out making us feel worthwhile and valuable, loved and wanted, then it makes it easier to believe later in life. However, even if you don't have that kind of luck, that is no reason that you can't still learn that valuable lesson in life. At some point you have to wake up and realize that your parents were not gods. They do not make the sun rise, and the tides come in. They were just people who had a child. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my parents. But, at some point, I had to stop blaming my parents for everything in my life and take responsibility for who I was. On that same note, I have to realize that everyone in my life is not responsible for how I feel, what I do, and where I go in my life. It's so easy to let others keep you down, make you feel bad, make you feel angry. How easy it is to say "Well, not my fault - blank - said this or did this". Nope, suck it up, you are responsible for you. Much of what I feel, do, and say, is in reaction to others in my life. My kids, my husband, my co-workers, etc. Wow, what a lot of power I am giving away. Now, who hasn't gone into a store, had a crappy cashier who was grumpy and mean. You may leave the store feeling grumpy and angry. But why? Why give them the power to ruin your day. You go to a restaurant and you have a nasty server. Do you let it ruin your whole meal? You are paying for that meal and you should enjoy it. If you don't like your server, you have some choices. You can sit there, feeling worse and worse, you can let it ruin a meal. Or you can chose not to. You can ask for a different server. You can ignore it and be pleasant. You can enjoy yourself. Now, I'll be honest. It's easy to say, not so easy to do. I am one of those who picks up strongly on other people's emotions, attitudes, and words. I let other people ruin my mood, my day, my meal. But, as I said. I am giving them all the power. I am allowing them to dictate my life to me. This, needs, to, stop. I need to reclaim the power of my life and take back my emotions.

You want to have a crappy day? Have at it. You want to be insulting, rude and mean? Feel free. You want to take your anger out on others? Go for it. You will no longer be affecting me by doing that. I am not going to allow you to push your crap on me. You can judge me all you want, but it is my own judgement that matters. You can think what ever you want about me, it is what I think of myself that counts. I am me, for good or bad. I will stand on my own. I will be who and what I want to be. Succeed, fail, it's up to me and my decisions and actions. No one can make me do or say or feel anything that I don't allow them to. I will laugh when I want, cry when I want, even feel down when I want. My emotions are mine, they have value. My life, my choice. I can have it my way. And I don't even have to go to Burger King to do it.

Goal Progress - Me? In a Church?

My spiritual path has been a long and varied one. I have tried many different paths, many different beliefs, many different churches. I have twisted and turned, tried to force myself to believe things that didn't feel true to me. I tried to fit molds that just didn't fit. I memorized bible verses, I sang hymns, I said all the things I was suppose to say. But never felt I fit. Never felt it in my heart. I was always searching, seeking, looking for something to believe in. It was many years ago that I gave up looking for a church that filled any type of need in me. I quietly started looking on my own, finding belief in a variety of places. Now believe me, there are paths out there for everyone. There are those who want the strict scripture taught, there are those who go with the flow, there are those who believe in the Star Wars force, there are some who believe that there is nothing, and on and on. Sometimes I despaired of ever finding a place to fit in. Well, maybe not fit in, but something that I could believe that had a home in my heart. For I have always believed that saying you believe something is nothing if it isn't in your heart. I raised my kids with the belief that faith isn't a church, belief isn't a book, and religion is just instructions on how to do it. You have to find what is true to you, and not only know it, but live it, breath it, have it in your heart every day. Sigh, a tall order when there are no answers. What I mean is, we really, really don't know. After all, that's why they call it "leap of faith". There is a gap there between what you believe and being able to prove it.

I first had to come to grips with that leap. That we won't really know. But, then, there are ways you can know. There are ways like life experience. There are those who have experienced miracles in their lives. There are those who died and came back. There are those who have had many different types of experiences. Well, as I got older and had more experiences, it helped to form my beliefs. Things I knew in my heart more than my head. But still I was seeking answers. I now, after many, many years, have formed my own beliefs. But what about others. Certainly there had to be others out there that believed the same things I did, that had the same questions, that didn't fit the mold. And then, the internet came along, bringing people together. There I found a home, others who felt like I did. I found people who wanted to walk my path along side me and learn and teach. It was a wonderful feeling, to have others to take the journey with me. But, online, as wonderful as it is, is still rather lonely. What about here in my area? What about face to face? As much as I didn't think I missed it, I missed it. I missed that connection. Alas, there were no churches anywhere I lived that seemed to fit.

I was online one day and talking about how hard it is to find a church that fits. So a friend suggested I look at a church called the Unitarian Universalists. Huh? I had never heard of them. It wasn't something that I even had begun to look into. So, off I went online in a search for what exactly it was and what it meant. I found out that in a lot of ways, they were like me. Searching, but also doing. Following a path, but always searching for answers. I found out that they believed in all paths, like me. Anyway, I found a UU church not far from my home. I kept talking about going, telling my family we should go. But it was on the to do list, but not getting done. Sundays are hectic at my house (like any other day isn't?). I am not sure from week to week what is going on. There were two services on Sunday, 9:15 and 11:15. But, with my older son working on Sunday morning, my husband working different times on Sunday, and me playing taxi driver, it seemed like there would be no time to go. But, then, this Sunday, my son was off, my husband didn't have to be in until afternoon and the opportunity presented itself. So, I announced - This Sunday we are going to church. Everyone kind of looked at me like.. huh? I put my foot down. I want to go to this church. So, they all agreed we would go Sunday morning. There, it was done. We were going. Now, for the hard part - waking up in the morning. Mornings suck. I hate getting up in the morning. Coffee, lots of coffee. But, worse than that is rolling out of bed three other people who hate getting up. And getting them ready. And getting them out the door. Jeez, who would have thought that going to church was such hard work. Just give up. Don't go. You don't really need to go to church, do you? What are you going for? You have managed all these years without church. Just give in, give up. Don't go. Go back to bed.

No. A new year, a new me. I want to go, they are going to go. Into the car, on the road. I'm nervous. I always get nervous when I try something new. I always get nervous meeting new people. I get nervous going new places. Get over it. Drive. I was worried about being late - I'm always nervous about being late. To me, being late is punishable by death. We end up being early. But there is a few people there, by the greeting table. Okay, name tags, talking to people, this isn't a bad thing. Be social, you can do it. Now, we went to the 9:15 service, which is smaller, more open, less structured. We find our seats and the service begins. I have a wonderful time. I am moved. I am in tune. I feel.... welcome. Something I have never felt at a church before. Not that the people in other churches weren't nice. Not that they weren't welcoming. I just didn't feel like I was in the right place. This, this is the right place, the right time in my life, the right.... path.

Now, I'm not going to suddenly jump in and join all their groups, start all kinds of projects, and whatever. But, I will go back. I want to go back. I want that feeling of being in the right place at the right time. I want that feeling of being with people, face to face, who are sharing with me their path and learning from mine. I want to go back and feel like I belong to something bigger than me. And, now, I'm on my way.

Goal Progress - Can You Hear Me Now!

Communication is key in life, with anyone. You have to communicate from the time you are a baby to let people know what you need. And developing good communication skills isn't easy. People see things differently, hear things differently, think differently. Men and women are very different - it's amazing we ever communicate anything to each other. I really am amazed at how many women are with guys, won't tell them what's going on in their heads, but expect them to be mind readers. But on the other hand, men have a variety of grunts they consider communication which we women are suppose to be able to determine if you are hungry, horny, listening, ignoring us, or simply burping. So, in other words, often like dealing with babies again. Just kidding. But yeah, we definitely have different ways of communicating. And communicating to teenagers, male or female, is like learning a new language. Then there are your co-workers, your boss, people in stores. It never ends. It is amazing we ever get anything done in life just trying to make everyone understand each other.

Now, I am a pretty good communicator. I know many of the tricks of the trade. I know about me statements, positive statements, avoiding accusations, staying focused, thinking before you speak. I actually use to teach women effective communication to help them get jobs. So yeah, I'm on it. But, and this is a big but, it's hard to use it in my own life. I am sometimes amazed at how poorly I can do with it. I struggle with things like telling people how I really feel. Telling people what I want. Telling people what I need. Yeah, so fail. I am also a people pleaser. I will say or do something because I think it will make other people happy - screw what I want.  This goes a long way towards building up anger and resentent. Ooooo the two biggies. Anger and Resentment. That's a deal breaker. That will kill any relationship. You let anger and resentment build up enough and all kinds of evils will happen. Heads will roll. And not always fairly. You let enough of it build up and you start letting all kinds of little, bitty, things bother you. You did NOT just look at me. Why are you always BREATHNG!! It's so annoying! Stop it. So yeah, when you are married, it's not always easy. Add to that mix in my life, where you are two ships passing in the night, and communication gets even harder. So, needless to say, but I'm going to say it anyway, when I decided to make all these changes in my life, it would have been nice to include my husband in many of these plans. Maybe asked him what he wanted? Maybe ask him where he wanted to go and do things? Mmmm, nope. Plow ahead and just expect him to get with the program. Or ELSE! Not very fair, is it? Well, that goes back to the point of women and men being very different. Why in the world couldn't he read my mind? Why couldn't he figure out I was done? Why couldn't he see that I was making changes for the better? Well, probably because I didn't talk to him much about it. Now, while I am shocked and amazed that he is not following my blog (isn't the whole world hanging on my every word?) there is not much I have said to him about this. So, where did this lead me? Let me tell you.

My husband and I view the world very differently. My husband is very.. unique. But, I love him and I married him. I took him for better or for worse. So, many of the issues we have, I have known about for a long time, but swallowed them instead of dealing with them. So, the other night, yeah, explosion. I yelled, which is not good, I accused, even worse. I pointed fingers, I laid blame, I used absolutely none of the communication skills I know how to use. I let the anger and resentment build up until I couldn't see straight. But, actually, that explosion acted as a catalyst. I now what I have to do. I have to talk to him. Get us both on the same page. Get us both pulling in the same direction. Heck, I'd settle for the same planet. But I have to do it in a calm, reasonable way. I can't shout it at him at the top of my lungs then march off to work feeling justified and angry. Not fair. So, working on a new project this weekend. Organizing what it is I want to say, how I want to say it and being fair. It's not nice to not play fair. So, we shall see how it goes. And if he doesn't want to play fair, I will take my marbles and go home.

Goal Progress - Living With a Hoarder

People collect things. All kinds of people collect all kinds of things. I have had various collections in my life. But, what do you do when you live with someone who won't let anything go, papers, boxes, containers, scraps of cloth, anything. That's what it's like living with my husband. Honestly, the sad but true joke around our house is any time you empty anything, you look at the container and say "I could use that for something". Coffee containers, boxes, bags, shoes, shoe laces, bricks, stones, wood. Now, he is an artist. He has been an artist his whole life. He has a life time of artwork built up. And it's not just drawings. He writes plays, short stories, he has a novel he has worked years and years on. And it has built up. And up. And up. He has an old, old, old, really old word processor. It's broken. But it has several of his plays on it. But it doesn't work. And it's huge and heavy. It's in my closet because he is convinced he is going to find some computer guru who can magically fix it so he can print off those plays. Sigh. He also has clothes that he has had for years and years. For years before he knew me. Which, fine, if they are not in bad shape, keep them. But, he keeps getting new clothes too. So, yeah, piles of clothes. Whew, I would post pictures, but no, not going to. In the beginning, when we moved into our first apartment down south, I said - we are not doing this. We are not going to allow ourselves to be buried alive under our stuff. If it doesn't have a place, it goes. Which started out mildly successful. In fact, as an anniversary gift, my parents bought my husband a desk. It was suppose to be a gift for both of us. It's a big desk, with bookshelves everything. Because, yeah, we have a lot of books. It was suppose to be a place for him to work, so he wouldn't take up the entire dining room table to work. But, you guessed it, it is now buried under a ton of stuff, and he takes up the dining room table. And when that is too full, he has a little portable table that he sets up in front of the couch, which then gets full and doesn't get taken down. Sigh.

Now, I am not a neat freak. I am not even a happy cleaner. But, I like things organized. I like things to have a home. And I like to keep things in their home. I have made several attempts to organize and get rid of things. But, I have met strong resistance. So I did what anyone would do, I gave up. Well, okay, maybe not everyone would give up. But, I did. I gave in to the clutter, the mess, the chaos. I hated it, but I gave into it. I thought, this is it, this is the way it will always be. But, what have I been saying - 2012, A New Year, A New Me. I don't generally allow people to come over to the apartment. I am embarrassed at how it looks. But my best friend has been giving me suggestions and my daughter finally came over and saw the apartment. Their attitude - we can do this. Put your foot down. Start somewhere and start getting rid of things. So, where do I start. Clothes. We need to get rid of clothes. They are everywhere. So, yesterday, after I got off of work, and got our son off to school, I grabbed some trash bags. I started in one spot. I started gathering clothes and going through them. My pile, my son's pile, my husband's pile. I went through my son's clothes, got rid of many of them. I went through my pile. Okay, still need to weed more out. Then, I called my husband in and began battle. You don't wear this. But it's warm. But you don't wear it. But I like it. BUT YOU DON'T WEAR IT!! Into the bag it goes. You would have thought I was asking him to slice is own fingers and toes off to get rid of old t-shirts. Sigh, after about three hours, I have 7 bags of clothing to go out to the thrift store. And more to come.

Another goal - to reclaim my dining room table. When my husband comes home from work, he starts shedding. Now, you have to realize, most people think my husband is homeless. Especially in winter. He wears about 5 layers of clothing. Then he carries a military style backpack crammed full of stuff. Then he carries a couple of shopping bags full of stuff. That is everywhere he goes. To work, to the store, he is like a turtle carrying his stuff with him. So, when he comes home from work, the bags get tossed down, the backpack gets put somewhere, the layers of clothes come off in the middle of the floor, he shoes end up somewhere strange, like the kitchen. But the pockets. The endless, bottomless pockets. He always wears khaki pants, with pockets everywhere. So, once he gets down to the bottom layer he starts emptying his pockets onto the dining room table. Let's see, there his cell phone, his wallet, whole bags of mints, his Chinese exercise balls, loose change, Jimmy Hoffa, stones, random bits of paper, wrappers, a stray cat, some cool thing he found in the parking lot, a couple of knives, his journals, his pens, his ex-girlfriend's best friends right shoe. All onto my table. So, what to do with this mess. Well, I got a box. A decent sized box. And I put everything into it. But, now the box is full. The next day, there's more stuff. But no box. The box is full. So, I said, empty this box or I'm throwing it all away. Didn't even flinch. Still sitting there full. So, what do I do now? Put my foot down. A New Year, A New Me. It is now going to be labeled the 24 hour box. I will put your stuff in it. It will wait 24 hours, if it is not emptied, it will be dumped into the dumpster. You think I'm joking... try me. I AM DONE! I want a clean, uncluttered area that I am proud to call my home. Not a war zone where I am fighting our belongings for space. Onward and Upwards. Tally HO!!!!

Goal Progress - Loving and Letting Go

Caring about people is very important. It is important to have people in your life that you love. And I have a very loving heart. I often times care more than I should maybe. I have mentioned in other posts about letting go of people who pull me down. Getting rid of people who drain me and give nothing back. But, also as I have been saying in other posts, saying is not the same as doing. Breaking old habits is hard. But, with some help from my best friend, today, I took an important step. A hard one, but one that needed to be taken. Today, I took a stand and said no. I stood my ground. I changed a behavior. And it was very, very hard. But, I feel both good and sad about it. But, then, let me explain.

I have a person I have been friends with for a long time. He has many problems, one of which is drinking. I have been there for him. I have held his hand, I have cried with him, I have also enabled him. I have seen him through the good times and the bad.  I have helped him get sober, oh so many times, only to see him fall back off the wagon. I have listened to him talk for hours. I have tried and tried to give him the help he needed, encouraged him to get help from other places, given time, patience, love, and anything else he needed. When he would call in trouble, I would be there. When he would fall down, I would pick him back up. Well, you get the point. Anyway. So, I was always careful about certain things - my kids never saw him drunk. I never took my kids to his place. I never let him interfere with my children's lives. But, on the other hand, I did let him interfere with my marriage in some ways. There were many nights that my husband walked in the door from work, I would kiss him and run out the door to help this friend. There were many nights when we were both off, that I spent over at this friend's apartment trying to help. It took away from my marriage. So, when it got overwhelming, I finally had to step back. But, slowly, I let this friend back. But he was sober and doing well. I was proud of him. I was happy for him. I enjoyed talking with him again. Until today. Today, he called me. He was drunk. He was driving around. He wanted me to help him. I told him to find a motel, get a room, and when my husband came home I would come see him. He texted me, and called me, to make sure I would still come see him. I would. But, before my husband came home, my best friend came over. I told her what was going on. She pointed out that this was the same behavior I always did. I always ran when people called me. Nothing I could do for him would help him. He needs to stand on his own. He needs to get help. I can't help him. All I can do is enable him to stay the same. And by reacting the same way, I am staying the same too. I am allowing him to drain me.

So, I did it. I told him I wouldn't come. Even though he tried to make me feel guilty, to manipulate me, to pull me back in, I stood my ground. I didn't go. I told him that I wasn't going down that hole with him again. That I loved him, I would be there for him - but not to call me until he was sober. I would not do this any more. I do not need people in my life to drag me down. I need people who will lift me up. And while this may not seem like a big deal, it is. To me, it was a really, really hard, and important step. I stopped a behavior that is almost ingrained in me. And from here, there is nowhere to go but up. I accepted that I can still care - and still let go.

Goal Progress - Users, Losers, and Abusers

I blogged yesterday about the importance of saying no and meaning it. This topic kind of goes along with that. I don't know about you guys, but I have those people in my life who tend to take, take, take. They give nothing back for the most part. Dealing with them leaves you feeling drained, tired, depressed. If they are abusive, they can leave you physically, mentally and emotionally damaged. There are those who do it on purpose, but just as many who don't realize they are doing it at all. There are the needy ones who always need something. There are the drama ones, who always have drama going on. There are the ones who think they are being helpful, but aren't. They find me... in droves. Everywhere I go, the store, the bus, the job, the park. I think sometimes I have a neon sign across my forehead that glares brightly drawing them to me. Online as well. I use to think, before the days of the internet, that it was my face or something. Maybe I looked like the kind of person who would listen, would help. But after I found it happening online, I had to rethink that, since they couldn't see me. But it happens there too. The people who come to me with their problems. The ones who come to me to help them, save them, give to them. Boy, is it exhausting. And often times, getting rid of them is like scraping off leeches. The thing that makes it absolutely worse is, I hate to do it. I know I need to do it, but I hate to do it.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to feel this way - drained, used, tired, trapped. But, on the other hand, I also don't want to hurt people's feelings. I also want to help. Helping people isn't a bad thing. I am very close to finishing my degree as a psychologist. So obviously I want to help people. But, and here is the catch, there has to be limits. There has to be boundaries. There has to be some kind of line drawn. And there has to be different levels. You can't allow people like this to invade every aspect of your life. So, my goal. I have decided that I need to look at the people in my life, online and off. I need to determine who in my life helps me, energizes me, lifts me up. Who do I have an honest give and take with. Who cares about me for real. Those are the people we need in our lives. These are the people who are going to help me achieve my goals. And those who don't need to go. Those who do nothing but take up my time, energy, and resources need to go.

I have just as much trouble getting these people out of my life as I do saying no to people, because to be honest, these two things kind of go hand in hand. If I can't say no to them, they will continue to do the same thing they have always done - drain me. So how do I get rid of them? I'm glad you asked me that question. First, be unavailable. I won't take the phone calls. I won't go to those sites. I won't have my chat turned on. I won't offer to help. I will bite my tongue when I get the urge to offer to help. Now, some instances, that isn't possible. Such as at work. Working the front desk of a hotel is much like being a bartender. Especially at night. People who can't sleep think I am there for them to talk to all night. And when they roll in drunk after the bars close, think I am there to entertain them. So, how do I deal with that? Again, be unavailable. Simply tell them that I have work to do and go into the back office until they are gone. On the phone at work, they do the same thing - they call to ask a few questions, and end up taking up an hour. So, how do you get them off the phone? Call the hotel from my cell. Or put my foot down and cut them off. Now, there are those who will not be so easy. There are those who are closer. Family members, or close friends. Now don't worry if you know me personally - I'm not talking about cutting off my best friends and becoming a recluse. But, there are some people in my life that I have been allowing to use me for many, many years. And maybe it's time to take back my life from these people who want to take it from me.

So, take the drama, take the problems, take the 3am calls, take the endless moaning, complaining, yet doing nothing to change it far away from me. Keep your constant issues, keep your never ending requests. I am going to have my degree soon - if you want a psychologist to listen to your problems - I will post my rates. I charge by the hour.

Goal Progress - Getting Organized

So, getting organized is a big thing for me. Chaos can be fun, and change is good. But not being able to find your shoes because of the mess is not fun. Just like running around like a chicken with my head cut off is not fun. Not knowing whether I'm coming or going is stressful. So, a big part of being able to accomplish the goals I've set for myself is going to be staying on track and knowing when I should be doing what. This past weekend was a good example of that. With all that is going on in my life, this weekend was no different. I was running here, doing this, doing that. But basically it meant spinning my wheels, not accomplishing what I wanted. And it left me tired and stressed. And I didn't get my "Me Time" because I was just out of time for it. So, hmm, the first change I made was making me time, but I can't have me time if there is no time left. So, what to do about it.

Well, when I first started college a million years ago, they made me take a couple of little one credit classes to help me adjust to college life. One of those little classes was Time Management. It was one class only, for a couple of hours. But it held a wealth of information. How to prioritize, how to organize, how to let go of things, how to manage. And the task for the class was to fill in a schedule. She handed out these forms, filled in with the hours of the day, little blocks of time, and she handed out highlighters in three different colors. She wanted us to fill in our activities for the day, then color code them according to importance. Well, that was nifty. Although, being me, I had to tape two of them together to make enough hours in a day for all I did. And, to be honest, I highlighted way too many things as a high priority. When she came around and looked at mine, she told me I missed the point of the class - that I wasn't letting enough go. That I was not delegating. That I had to make some adjustments. Even back then I tried to cram too much into every day. But.. and here was the kicker. I agreed with her and asked her to look at it with me and tell me where I could make changes. I was a single mom, working full time, raising my daughter on my own and now going to school. She looked at it, turned her head this way and that, hemmed and hawed for awhile and then shook her head and walked to the front of the class. She told me to work on it and called an end to the class. So, even back then, my life was packed full. Sigh. But, even though I didn't find an answer back then for how to accomplish it all, the class did help me and taught me some good things about time management.

So I decided to apply those things now. But, the nifty thing is, I don't have to draw it all on paper and highlight it and scribble. I have something cooler now - Excel. I love spreadsheets. They are so clean, easy, and adaptable. So, I made a spreadsheet with all the hours of the day in half hour increments. Since some days I am on midnight shift, and some nights I am home, I had to have a 24 hour schedule. Besides, if I cut any hours out of that 24 hours, it wouldn't all fit - and I couldn't tape two computer screens together like I could the two sheets of paper. So anyway. There I had it, my entire week in half hour increments. Now to fill it in and make it work. Hmm, work hours set. School hours for kids, set. Bed times, set. Bath time, set. Wake up time for weekdays, set. Some things never change. Then, a little trickier. Dinner time, pretty much set. Clean up time, right after dinner. Five days a week, bed time pretty much set, or at least I hope so. Some days, more sleep than others, but hey, at least there are squares there FOR sleep. Hm, okay, weekends off, so a little more flexible. But still have kids and things to do. Set. Me Time - okay, squeezed in. But set. Okay, fit in some play time with the kids. Squeeze in some extra time for errands. Getting tight. Hmm, travel time... can I teleport yet? Okay, set. That leaves some time on weekends for housework, set. Should I actually take it step further and schedule in nights to have sex with my husband? Hmm, maybe I'll leave that up to chance. Okay, sit back and look at allllll the full blocks of time. Wait. What's that. An EMPTY SQUARE??? How did that happen. You mean I have a half an hour free? A whole half an hour? Jeez, what am I going to do with all that free time. Knowing me - I'll probably take a nap.

This may not work for everyone, but it works for me. I feel better knowing that I've got an action plan. I feel like I accomplished something just by sorting it all out and having it there to look at when I wonder if I'm suppose to be awake or asleep. Or both at the same time. Which I only think happens once a week. But hey, everyone has those times... right?

Goal Progress - Juggling Time

So, if you read my introduction, you know I work midnight shift. Which, with a family makes things tricky. I'm off every Friday and Saturday nights. These are the only two nights I'm home in bed with my husband. But, then I have my 7 year old who lives with us. And, on weekends, I pick up my 15 year old and he spends Friday and Saturday night with us. My husband also works. He works evenings or mids most of the time. So, picture this. Monday and Tuesday mornings, I come home, get my 7 year old ready for school. Go to bed around 9 or 9:30am. Then have to be back up at 3:30pm to get son off bus because husband is at work. We do snack, play, dinner, homework, bath, bed. Then it's a bit of time and I have to go to work. Wednesdays and Thursdays are a bit better - my husband is off those days. But, sometimes we do things in the morning, sometimes I go to bed in the morning. Sometimes I get up and cook dinner, sometimes he does dinner. But, even if I am in bed asleep, I am dealing with a small apartment, where husband and son are talking, playing, yelling, fighting. So, even asleep, I'm hearing it. So, I get up Thursday evenings at some point. Then I work Thursday night. Get home Friday morning, try to find time to take a nap - sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. But, regardless, I have to be there at 3:30pm to get one son off the bus. Then zip across town, pick up other son. Then zip home, cook dinner, possibly pick up husband at work. About now I've usually been up around 24 hours, with maybe a small nap thrown in.  Get one son to bed and to sleep so that I can put other son to bed in same room. Older son needs to be up for work in the morning at about 6:30am, so I need to be up about 6:00am. Get up early in morning, get one son to work, come home, other son gets up, take care of him. Pick up son from work, try to get housework done, cook, entertain two boys, and enjoy time with them. Saturday, same thing, put one to bed, try to get him to sleep, so other son can go to bed for work in the morning. Get up at 6:00am again, take son to work, get other son taken care of. Pick up son from work. But then, there is a curve ball. On Sundays, the boys bowl in a league. So, rush home, pack up older son's things, take them to bowling. Take older son home, take younger son to our place, cook him dinner, give him a bath, get him ready for school the next day, put him to bed. Then, if I'm lucky, I can try to catch a nap before working all night. And then, my week starts alllllll over again.

Now, throw into this mix the fact that the world operates on a daylight schedule. So, often times I have to get up early, or go to bed late to take care of things. Also, people are awake then, so they call, they come over, my husband wakes me up for things, my kids need me, etc. School functions, doctor appointments, shopping, holidays, kid's days off from school. All of this equals to a insane sleeping schedule that my body never adjusts to because it's always changing. I think you may be getting a picture that I don't get much sleep on a regular basis. You would be right. Look up sometime what sleep deprivation can do to you. Achy joints, headaches, upset stomach, poor health, inability to focus, hallucinations, sleep walking, insomnia. Yup, 6 years I've been doing this.

So - is it no wonder I have decided enough is enough. So, I had decided on my goals, and the first one I was starting with is Me Time. Every day or night. At least one hour. The first few nights were awesome. Worked out great. Put my headphones on, wrote, focused, meditated, felt great. Then the weekend came. Okay, we can do this. Friday night, got the boys to bed, got them to sleep, finished up a few things. Ahhh, me time. Heck it's already 11:30pm at night. Sigh, an hour makes it midnight. 6am comes really early if you go to bed at midnight. No, got to do it. It's good for me, got to focus. So, do the Me Time. Feel pretty good, go to bed. Next morning, bleah. Very tired, not ready for the day. But got to get moving. Get through Saturday morning, pick son up from work, get home, have a to do list all ready to go. Want to feel motivated. Want to get a lot done. Want to enjoy the day. Mind ready, body not willing. Got to nap. So, I decided an hour nap should refresh me. One boy in his room playing, other on his Xbox playing, I lay down and set my phone alarm for an hour. In an hour, it goes off. Noooo not ready. Hit snooze... a lot. Two hour nap later, it's time to cook dinner. Got almost nothing done. Still tired, cranky and kind of upset with myself. Which is how I usually feel with myself when I don't do what I want to do. But, get kids dinner, play with kids for awhile. Put one to bed, play Xbox with the other, but he's late getting to bed. Then it's time for me time. But wait, there is hubby, and a few other things to do too. Sigh, okay, now it's Me Time. Crap, it's almost midnight. Scrap it, can't do it. Too tired. Got to be up at 6am. So, off to bed. Up at 6am. Go through my Sunday routine. Get through it all, get one son dropped off, other son fed, pick up husband at work, get son to bed. It's now 8pm. I've been up since 6am. I've got to work all night. Sigh, okay, so which is it... Me Time or nap. Well, nap wins. Can't make it from 6am to 9am the next day without a nap. Sigh.

I know how important this all is. I know how important these changes are. And I honestly DO want to change. But this is the frustration I have faced for so long now. I don't know where to make the changes. I don't see how to get out of this cycle. I feel good taking the Me Time, but I also need to find enough time to sleep. How do I make changes? I'm not sure, but boy do I know they need to be made.

Goal - Focus on Me

One of the most important goals I think I set was to focus more on me. I have always been the type of person to focus on others. I am a very giving, helpful person. From my husband, to my kids, to my family, to friends, to even strangers, I tend to put everyone before myself. I have a very hard time saying no and meaning it. I have a hard time cutting off people who use me. The thought of taking time for myself to focus on me invoked feelings of guilt. I almost wanted to apologize for wanting it. But then, I realized what so many people have been telling me most of my life - if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else. Well, my batteries are drained. My giving is giving out. I need to follow that advice and recharge on a regular basis. I need to do this for me, but I also need to do it for everyone else. So, here are the first steps I am taking to learn how to focus on myself.

- make sure I meditate and write every night

- don't ask, demand me time

- don't feel guilty for taking time for me

- don't allow other things to get in the way

- stay focused and don't be distracted by other things during this time

- write every day, even if it is just rambling

- figure out what it is that is going to move me in the directions I wan to go

- don't allow others to manipulate me and make me feel guilty

- stay grounded and centered

- practice grounding and shielding

- don't always say yes to everyone

- when you say no, mean it. Don't go back and do it anyway

- don't be overwhelmed by other people's problems

- when neccessary, stop and refocus on you

- accept what you can't change and let it go

- be realistic in your daily, weekly, monthly planning

- forgive yourself for your mistakes and move forward

- use each experience as a learning tool

- don't allow others to make you feel bad for your choices

- don't constantly second guess yourself

- don't allow setbacks to stop you

- always keep your goals in mind and keep trying

- reward yourself for goals achieved no matter how small

So these are the first steps I am trying to take in making the changes in my life. So far, in the last two days, I have insisted that one hour is mine every night. Which I have used to write, meditate and focus. And I can already say that it has made a huge difference in how I feel, and how I am acting. So far, so good.