Ch - Ch- Ch - Changes

For those of you who have followed my blog at all - you know that my life can be chaotic and insane. For those of you who are seeing my blog for the first time - my life is chaotic and insane. Ha ha. I started this blog months ago knowing that I wanted to make changes in my life. I wanted to take control. I wanted to accomplish so many things in the past year. My goal page was an ambitious one. There were a lot of big and little changes. And I have blogged about everything here from my failures, my successes, and my challenges, to my thoughts and feelings. It's been an up and down roller coaster ride this year. I have faced such things as sleep deprivation, illness, unexpected large bills, insane schedules, and failure. But also this year so far I have seen new friendships form, unexpected gifts, great insight, opportunities open up, and growth.

Sometimes I look at all the things on my plate and think "I can do this" and other times I look at everything and simply want to go curl up in bed in the fetal position and wake up in my next life. I have shared with friends what my days are like and many of them shake their heads and tell me I am amazing. But then all I have to do is talk to my mother and she tells me to just suck it up and get on with it - that is life. I think it falls somewhere in the middle. There are those who don't face the challenges I am facing, but there are also those out there having a much rougher time than I am. Which I guess is the way it always is in life.

Right now, I am at the turning point, ending point, beginning point of many things. Some major things are coming to an end, some big things are starting, and some changes are happening. The wheel is turning and I am trying to turn with it. Some of the things I am facing right now is the possibility that the apartments we live in may be condemned, we are trying to find a new place to live, I will be changing from night shift to day shift which may or may not involve changing jobs, I am bringing to a close a court case where I was being sued for a large amount of money. I am helping my two sons adjust to the school year with one in his first year of high school, and the other adjusting to second grade. Which may not seem like a big deal, but when dealing with a special needs child - it is. We are fighting an epic battle of the fleas at our apartment which is consuming a lot of time and money. When it all falls on me to deal with all the money, all the banking, all the budgeting, all the appointments, all the shopping, all the driving, all the scheduling, all the organization, all the homework, and a variety of other things I can't remember right now - it all sounds a little insane. But that being said - part of me looks at it like my mom does and thinks - this is just life so suck it up and do it.

Change is hard - change can be scary. I am one who likes to stay in their comfort zone. The thought of moving, changing jobs, changing my schedule - all that is scary to me. I spend a lot of time playing the "what if" game. What if we can't get into the new apartment? What if I can't find a new job? What if I don't like my new job? What if I can't deal with all the people after spending 6 years working alone? What if purple dinosaurs in pink tutus fall from the sky? I'm good at that game. I have a real talent for coming up with what ifs. And soooo much of it is beyond my control. I think that's the scariest part of it - the things that are beyond my control. So I combat that with calendars, and spreadsheets, and planners, and timelines, and a variety of other controlling mechanisms. But when it all comes down to it - what is going to happen will happen and I just have to happen with it. I have found that over the year so far, I have gotten much better at laughing at it. I have gotten much better at accepting things. I am learning (finally) that everything isn't the end of the world. I am learning to recognize when I am edging towards that maniacal stress level and back off. Now, I doubt I will ever be that serene ship sailing gently through raging storms. But maybe I won't be that little cork being thrown around in a hurricane either. Maybe not quite Martha Stewart, but hopefully better than Rosanne. I may not have all the answers, I may not always get it right, but I will sometimes. And sometimes, you just have to accept that.

Challenges - Tripping Over Life aka Plan B

So as my weekend approaches, I look forward to my days off and getting things done. Or maybe it's a Monday and I have a plan of what I want to do. I always have a plan. I look at what I want to accomplish, the goals I've set, the time I have to work with. I carefully gauge how long things should take me for each task. I take into account the weather, the travel time, the position of the sun and moon, and the tidal charts. I read my horoscope and prepare. It all looks good in my head, or on paper for that matter. My plan of attack laid, I approach with a battle cry and gusto! Only to trip over life on my road to accomplishing my goals. Before I know it, my plan is in shambles, my days off are over, or it's time to go to work or whatever - and none of it went like I planned. Things such as sick kids, or emergencies, or delays, traffic, unexpected phone calls, purple elephants in tutus falling from the sky, and occasional necessary 4 hour long gaming session have all thrown my schedule out the window. Then I look back sadly, thinking "the best laid plans of mice and men" are often scattered behind me. Honestly, I don't know how time manages to get away from me so quickly. Trying to stick to a plan for me is often times like trying to nail jello to a tree.

Now if you talk to some people in my life, they will say it's just that I'm not motivated to get these goals done. Or that I'm not setting my priorities right. Hm, that could be part of it. But honestly, just part. When I look back over my days and see how I actually spent my time, and what I did spend my time on, often times, it seems like things that were beyond my control. Not always, but a lot of the time. I mean, who can plan for purple elephants falling from the sky in pink tutus? That wasn't on the weather report for the day! I spend a lot of my time feeling like the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, looking at my watch feeling like I'm late. I joke with my friends saying I'm being like Tigger bouncing around from here to there. And a lot of my time is spent that way, jumping from task to task - not from choice, but from necessity. I take this one here and drop them off, only to turn around and pick this one up there, only to jump over here and do this, or bounce there and do that. I have a calendar on my wall to write things on, a pocket calendar in my purse to write it down on, I have online to do lists, an online family planner - you would think I was the most organized person in the world with all my places I write my schedule down. I get email alerts when appointments come up, I make written plans for the day, check lists, what have you. But somehow - time seems to slip through my fingers and I don't know how to grab onto it.

I started this blog in January. I had very definite ideas of what I wanted to accomplish this year. Maybe some of the goals were a bit far reaching - but they are good goals. And I can't say I haven't made progress. I have. And I can't say I'm not happier. I am. A lot has changed this year so far. Maybe some of the biggest changes are the ones I can't show evidence of because they are changes inside me. Which may not look as good on paper, but feel good inside. I guess it just gets frustrating when I have these ideals in my head of what I want to accomplish and then get none of it done. It's also frustrating when my physical body doesn't cooperate. The over 6 years of working on midnight shift has taken it's toll on me. There was a time when I was younger that there was that reserve well of energy to draw from when I needed a big push to finish something, or stay up a few more hours, or whatever. That well is dry. Now, when I look for that extra oomph to keep going, it's just not there. I'm not saying it won't come back. Just saying for now - there's just no extra. Sometimes these days it's just a struggle to stay awake through the day or night depending. I get frustrated with myself for not having endless energy, not having endless motivation, not having the get up and go I use to have. It almost feels like an excuse when I say to someone I just don't have the energy to do something. Or that my body just hurts too much to do it. I think sometimes people don't get it. I try to explain to like my kids - it's not that I'm just being lazy when I sit down at the dining room table and fall asleep sitting up. It's not just because I don't want to when I go to play a game with them and fall asleep in the chair. I'm not kidding when I don't remember what I said 15 minutes ago, or what they asked me, or what day of the week it is. I'm not being mean when I ask them to take the trash out because I can't lift it high enough to get it in the dumpster. My husband thinks I'm being lazy when I use the little button to close the hatch on our van because he doesn't realize the pain I feel when I lift my arms over my head and try to pull it down by hand. Not that I want their pity. Or for them to just do it for me. I guess what I want is for them (and me) to realize the limitations that I have right now. To be realistic with my goals. Maybe when I make these plans each time, I need to consider putting a little less on my plate and to take all these things into consideration. Maybe instead of making a to do list that include building an arc I can start with a row boat. And then get some help paddling to shore. On to Plan B.

Carpe Diem

Seize the day. Today, make things happen. Today, you can make changes, you can make better choices, you can take first steps, continue on a path, or let go of things. Life doesn't stop or even notice you. It will keep going whether you are ready or not. And sometimes, it moves pretty fast. It's easy to get behind, or feel lost, or even frustrated. But all you can do is let go of it and try to catch the next day. I have been having to do that a lot. Life also sometimes has other plans for you than you were expecting. You want to go in one direction and life pushes you in another direction. You can either let that frustrate you and get angry or you can adjust and move with it. You can listen to the ebb and flow and not fight against it. Sometimes it's telling you that you are not moving fast enough, and sometimes, you are trying to do too much.

Things like lines use to frustrate me. I always look at the lines in stores and try to pick the shortest, or the quickest by assessing what people have in their carts or hands. Inevitably, whatever line I choose will end up with a long delay for one reason or another - a price check, an elderly person who is confused, a person who takes 20 minutes to dig out exact change. My usual reaction use to be to sigh heavily and stand there being frustrated. Why? I'm in a hurry, I've got things to do! And? Why let this ruin my day? Instead, I decided that I could use this time enjoyably. I take a moment to laugh at the insane headlines on the magazine covers. Or I take out my phone and play with my ringtones. Or I talk to my kids about something. Or I call someone to catch up. Same thing goes for traffic. I will consider my routes and try to figure out which way will be the quickest. It will end up being bumper to bumper traffic, or construction, or an accident. I can take that time to glare at other drivers, or beat on my steering wheel in frustration. Why? Instead, I take the time to search for new radio station with cool music. Or if really bad, I always have a book on me that I can read while I sit. Another opportunity to shoot off a text or call. BUT - not while moving! Texting and driving kills! Also another opportunity to play a silly word game, or sing with my son. Teaching him new jokes is always fun too. In other words - you can take a situation like this and allow it to ruin your day - or you can see it as an opportunity to catch your breath, enjoy the moment, and appreciate the little break from rushing.

That's not to say that bad days don't happen. Yesterday - a bad day. My computer got a virus which required several long, grueling scans to clean up. The desk I was trying to assemble was not cooperating, requiring me to go to the hardware store and buy parts, as well as finding tools that were misplaced. Then to learn that the new television required different wires than the ones we had to hook up our various electronics. Sigh. But also, during this time, I was making dinner - which I pulled out and served. Only to find out the BBQ pork ribs, which I thought were done, were raw in the middle. Sigh. So, back into the oven with them, and start rushing around to do things. Only to almost burn them, yanking them out to spill hot pork grease on my feet. Yup, good times. Then, I had a raging headache. The kind that makes it hard to even think. So, I decided, after boys were in bed, chores were done, I would just go to bed. Only to be awoken at 4am by this raging headache. Crawling blindly to the bathroom and choking down something for it, I crawled back into bed praying that it would go away. It did. Bring me to today. A new day. A new chance.

First thing on the agenda - coffee. Must. Have. Coffee. Especially at 6am. Go to make coffee. Fill the pot, start dumping it into the maker, only to learn too late that beloved hubby had at some point started making coffee by filling it with water - but never finishing. So yeah, flooded the whole counter, and floor. Sigh. Clean that up and cursing under my breath. Was this going to be another one of those days? NO! I will not let it ruin my day. Instead, I choose to laugh at it and move forward. Carpe Diem! I will not let silly things ruin it for me. Instead, I will CHOOSE to have a good day, no matter what life chooses to throw at me. Ebb and flow. Realize that my agenda may point me in the direction I want to go, but like a tree, I will bend at the wind, not try to force against it. Make today the best day it can be - one today at a time.

Challenges - You Were Really Mad?

So summer is here, the heat is kicking - and I do mean kicking, where we live. Triple digits with heat index higher. Humidity is so thick you feel like you are breathing straight from a steam bath. Got to love Southern summers. Or not. Me - not so much. I hate the heat. I hate the humidity. It makes me feel dizzy, sick, tired, and grumpy. I like my air conditioning. A lot. So I come home about 10 days ago on a Thursday morning and it's kind of warm in the apartment. So I listen, sure enough, the AC is making some strange noises. Hmm, well that's the benefit of living in an apartment, right? So I tell hubby to go let the office know the AC isn't working when they open. I go to bed comforted by the knowledge that the men will come in and fix it while I sleep. But when I get up it is decidedly warmer. Not good. Friday morning we make another attempt to get them to fix it. The maintenance guy actually does come, but after several attempts to fix it, and flipping our breakers several times, I lose some confidence. We get a couple of fans and suffer through the weekend with the fans stirring the near record breaking heat. The dog, the cat, my two sons and I spend the weekend wilting in the heat and spending as much time as we can doing nothing but sit in front of the fans. But, we make it to Monday. I feel confident that with the record temperatures they can't make us wait any longer. Can they? Yes, yes they can. I spend the week sending my husband, who is my bulldog, to the office. By Friday, I'm furious. I'm yelling, I'm kicking, I'm having fits - to my husband. Who then goes to the office and passes along my furious words. By Friday morning, I am to the point where I tell him to inform them that they have until 5pm Friday to fix this, or Monday morning I am going down to code compliance and turning them in for not fixing our AC in temperatures over 100 degrees. They do not seem intimidated. So, by 4:30pm on Friday, with no AC, I'm done. I'm going to have to pack up kids, dog, cat, hubby, myself and all our gear and go to my mom's house. We can not spend another weekend in this oven. But husband seems to think I should call and talk to them. I'm furious. I'm spitting fire. But when I get off the phone with them, hubby looks at me and says "you were too nice". What? Too nice? Yes, he says, they couldn't even tell you were mad. Rats. He's right. I was nice. I was polite, I was agreeable. I didn't put my foot down. I didn't threaten, or stand my ground, or make any demands. Instead, I let them tell me they had no clue, they weren't sure, they were working on it. Crap. Why is it I can look my husband in the eye and tell him like it is with no problem? Why can I put my foot down with my kids in no uncertain terms and mean it. Yet outside of them, I am just not able to stand my ground. I am not able to be either assertive (which is good) or even aggressive (which is probably not good). I can't raise my voice. I can't demand things. Even when I am in the right. I was right, there was no reason it should take 8 days to fix the AC in the middle of a heat wave. It is illegal, it is dangerous, and it was wrong. Yet, I couldn't even make that clear to them. Now, I know my husband is good at getting results. And I am perfectly happy letting him be the tough one. But I should at least be able to stand up for what is right and what me and my family deserve, such as air conditioning in a heat wave. Sigh, off we went. And while the good news is, we came home Sunday afternoon to a very chilly, well air conditioned apartment - it shouldn't have taken 10 days to get that done. I am seriously wondering what it is going to take for me to learn how to assert myself.

Goal Progress - THIS IS SPARTA!

Motivation is a funny thing. You get motivated - it helps you get things done. You get through things and feel a sense of accomplishment. But what about when it's a lot of things, or a big thing, or something that takes a long time. Like this blog - what if it is all kinds of life changes you want to make. So, how do you stay inspired? How do you stay motivated? I almost forgot why I was doing this blog. I mean, it's nice to share with everyone. It's nice to get comments. It's nice to have a place to vent a bit. But this blog was made to motivate me. It was made for me - to inspire me to make the changes I wanted to make in my life. I kind of forgot that and lost my motivation. But, the key to that is to realize I'm not motivated and use this blog to re-motivate me! So, today, I went back and re-read my blog. I re-read my ideas, my thoughts, my goals. And it did what it was suppose to do - it re-motivated me. It got me back into a frame of mind with forward motion. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

So, it's a bright new day. The sun is shining. The day is new. And I'm on a mission. Don't just say - do! I created a different kind of goal list today. It takes each of my goals I want to work on right now, breaks it into smaller bites. Steps for each one - but it also is putting a face, a name, and a DATE to it. The date is important. It's easy to say - yup, that's what I'm going to do. But no accountability. The date keeps me honest. Now, I'm sure at some point life will rear it's ugly head (it always does) and things will come up. But - putting a date to it keeps the forward motion going. How do you eat a whole elephant? One bite at a time. I've got a feast before me and it's time to get busy. I've got the tools, I've got the skills. I've got the knowledge. I've got the support. There is no reason this should not happen. Failure is NOT acceptable. Status quo is not good enough. I'm taking names and kicking ass. I am Kimber, hear me ROAR!

Thoughts - Rejuvenation

We all do it - burn the candle at two ends, take on too much, burn ourselves out. We often forget to stop and recharge our batteries. Or we put it on a low priority. I know my husband and I keep saying, when we get our money straight, we will do this. Or when we have time we will do this. So, a couple of weeks ago, my husband became eligible for his paid vacation at work. I put my foot down. We were going camping. I needed to get away. I needed to recharge. We have gone camping once in six years. Our kids are growing up. Before you know it, they will be grown and gone. Then it will be almost impossible to do things together. Right now, my sons are still younger and at home, and my daughter and her husband live close. That won't last forever. If we wait for the right time, or the money, or "fill in the blank" it will never happen. So, that is that. We are going. End of story.

With the planning, the menu, the shopping, the packing, the figuring out what to do with dog and cat, and the million other things that go into a trip, it was a bit hectic. But, with help from my daughter, and others, we pulled together not only a camping trip - but a visit to the Virginia Renaissance Festival as well before heading home. Another thing we have been putting off. I'd like to say that the weekend was completely stress free - but this is me we are talking about, so - not completely. But, and this is the important thing, there were tons of laughs, tons of relaxing moments, tons of moments of silence to think, with all three of my kids, as well as my newest "son", and my husband together. Arguments ensued such as which works better to start a fire - tepee or box setup. Who would do the dishes. And which direction to take on the path. And there were Abbott and Costello moments where who was where and what are we doing. But those were fun too!

I also got to do the important things - spend time without worrying about what was going on in the real world. Spend time letting the rapids of the river flow over me and wash away the world weary stress. Listen to the sounds of our Mother Earth telling me that it will all be okay. Watching those I love share time together. Bond, heal, rejuvenate. There are tons of things we should do every day to help keep from burning out. Staying grounded and centered, letting go of stress. That kind of thing. But honestly, nothing replaces a get away into nature to remind us of the important things in life - we are one. So, when I came back to the crunch of reality, my first knee jerk reaction was - holy shit - I've got so much to do! I can't believe there is so much going on! But, the better response was to step back and stay grounded. To picture myself back in that river, as it flowed around me. To remember that all things are flowing, all things are changing. This too shall pass and things will get done. Me worrying and stressing about it is not going to change it, help it, or get it done. Instead, bending like the tree in the wind, holding firm with my roots, will help me to get through all the challenges and goals. I will still probably struggle with stressing things, in fact I know I will. But remembering times like the river will also remind me to bend, not break, with the flow of things.

Thoughts - Birthday Thoughts

So today is my 44th birthday. Not a major benchmark in life - but still another year older. Not that I'm a big one for watching my age. Other than those milestones that everyone watches for - 16, 18, 21. I seem to recall having a bit of a moment of panic when I hit 30. That just seemed like a wow moment. I don't recall thinking that I wouldn't make it to 30, but then I also never thought what it would like to be 30 either. 30 seemed so old. Now that I'm in my 40s, it doesn't seem like such a big deal. Age seems to be this thing that kind of creeps up on me and smacks me in the head once in awhile where I go "Wow, am I really that old?"  I don't feel that old. I was talking to my mom the other day and she was telling me she is almost 70. Holy cow - 70. Now that seems old. Isn't it funny. When you are young, 30 seems old. Then 40. And so on. Older seems so much older until you get there. But now, 70 seems old. I guess what it boils down to is I don't feel 44. I don't feel all that different from when I was 30. Or 20 for that matter. Sure, there are more aches and pains. There are times when I feel 100. And other times when I feel (and act) like a kid. So I guess the old saying is true that you are only as old as you think you are.

So, it's the end of May. I've been working on these changes for about 5 months now. You may be asking how it is going so far. And that would be a fair question. It's one that I am thinking about today. How is it going so far? Well, in my opinion - pretty good. There have been some awesome changes. Some small changes. Some setbacks. A whole lot of learning. I've learned about myself, the people in my life, and the people I don't want in my life. I've re-evaluated my goals, sent new ones, and realized that some of the goals weren't as important. It's kind of like an onion, with layers underneath. As I change one thing, it has a chain reaction to it. It affects not only me, but the people around me. Self-realization has abounded these last 5 months. I have come to grips with many things about myself. I have also had a lot of acceptance. I have realized that for a long time I did felt like my life was out of my control. Now I realize that much of it is within my power to change. By grabbing onto the steering wheel, I am no longer letting other people push me all over the road. And if I do run off the road, most often it's my own fault - like it or not. It's hard sometimes to take that responsibility. It is so much easier to say it's not your fault - it's because of your boss, or the other idiot on the road, or something that someone else did. But ultimately it is not anyone's fault but mine.

So, what's the next step, boss? Well, now that you've asked - I'll tell you. I am going to keep both hands firmly on the steering wheel and see where it takes us. My next step is to look at my goals, break them down  into steps (in a cool spreadsheet of course - I love spreadsheets) and more important - I'm giving deadlines. I think I am ready for the pressure of a time line. It's important to learn how to walk before you run. But now that I'm walking, it's time to step it up. Put a little pressure on. By breaking things into manageable steps, and giving each step a deadline, I will feel more incentive. Especially after I post it here for the whole world to see. At least for the 6 people who read my blog anyway. But that's enough - even if no one read this, it would still be enough to have it out there. Sometimes just saying something out loud to yourself is enough to make it more real. So, today - I'm going to enjoy my birthday, relax and do some fun things. Then tomorrow - back to work. So stay tuned, avid readers, for my next blog post - where I break it down and start the timer. For now, I'm going to go blow out the candles.

Goal Progress - Don't Pull The Trigger

Back in the day of the cavemen, stress was important. It was a way they survived. They would have to trigger the fight or flight response when confronted by things that could kill them. These days, there isn't as much call for that. Now, maybe if I were living in a war torn nation, or maybe dangerous city streets, it would be an issue as well. But honestly, I don't. I live in a fairly nice town, in a fairly nice neighborhood, where day to day living isn't all that dangerous. Yet, I put my body through stress all the time. I allow the things I confront in my day to day life to trigger stress. Now, when stress happens, a lot goes on in your body - like in the days of the cavemen, it prepares for fight or flight mode. Which in a life or death situation, is a great reaction to have - it would often save your life. But in day to day life, probably not as essential. Probably not going to save my life. If anything, it is going to shorten my life due to the toll it takes on my body. Prolonged stress is very hard on your body, as well as causes many other health issues, and can even kill you. 

Stress can be triggered by a great deal of things - deadlines at work, problems with money, burning dinner, whatever may be. My stresses are prolonged stresses. Things that don't have quick easy fixes. But.. they also don't have to be daily stresses. I have found that I tend to get thrown into a tail spin by absolutely everything anymore. I wake up and within the hour am stressed out about something. I don't go through a day without at least once feeling out of control or over loaded. So, what triggers my stress? What makes me feel over loaded? What sends me into those tail spins? Well, on the surface, it almost makes sense, dealing with kids, pets, work, husband, friends, family, too much to do. So, you look at it and say "Yeah, I should be stressed!" But that's not the right answer. That's not the healthy answer. The healthy right answer is - how can I learn how to cope with these things every day WITHOUT stressing and losing control. So, dig a little deeper, look a little harder, and find out what those triggers are. What is it that really sends me over the edge. But more than looking for those triggers, but make changes so those triggers are not there. Now, chances are I'm not going to get rid of the kids, the pets, the husband, the job, the bills, etc. And even if I did - chances are, I would find other things to stress about. So I think I'll keep the ones I have. I'm pretty fond of the kids and hubby. So, how do I stop stressing it all? It's changing my response to those triggers. Once I figure out what it is that makes me feel all the stress, I can look for new responses to those things. 

So, let's look at one of the situations I have identified. Saturday afternoons can be crazy at my house. I usually have both sons at home as well as the cat and dog. So, one son is usually on the computer playing music. I've got another one on the game system playing a game. Then I have the dog who usually wants to go out at the worst possible time. Then if not that, she is chewing on something or fighting with the cat. Lots of noise, lots going on. I'm usually trying to clean or cook. And the kids usually want me to pay attention to them. Add in the phone, the computer, and whatever other random thing happens on any given day. My definition of it - chaos. Chaos to me equals stress. Big time stress. Once it reaches a peak, I usually end up yelling at someone. Or feeling out of control. Then I am no use to anyone. So, I know this. I know how it is going to happen. It happens every Saturday. And while I want to be home with my boys, I want to get things done around the house, I don't want the chaos. I don't want the stress. So. I've identified what happens and what it does to me. There are a couple of different things I can do. I can make changes in how things happen. And I can also change how I react to them. I haven't decided yet exactly how I am going to change these things yet. But I now know that it doesn't have to be like this. I know that in order to feel better, reduce the stress, and be happier, I do have to change things. 

So, what's the plan boss? Here is my current plan. I want to sit down and honestly look at my life, where the stresses lie. What my triggers are. Then I am going to list the changes I want to mke so that those triggers aren't triggered constantly. A chart if you will, that will plan out my new reactions to these triggers. Changes I can make so that I don't have to have those triggers. It's a double attack. Fighting stress with both barrels. I'm sure that it will be hard at first. These triggers and their reactions are ingrained. You use them like bad habits. Something happens - you respond. The same thing happens - you respond the same way. It gets to be a way of life, a normal reaction. But, it doesn't have to be that way. It can change. And then, the new, healthier, less stressed reaction will become the norm. And life gets better. I'm all for better.

Thoughts - I Love My Husband

My husband and I just celebrated our 9 year anniversary. When you first get married, I don't think you stop and think - I hope this lasts. Or think - man, this is going to be tough. Now, I did think long and hard about if I really wanted to marry my husband. I had already been married once, and it was not a good marriage. Nor did it end all that well. I had my two kids. I was happy. Did I really want to enter into another marriage? I asked myself - do I want to wake up next to this man every day for the rest of my life. At the time I said yes. And we have had our ups and our downs. We are very different - almost complete opposites in most things. We disagree on foods, books, movies, opinions, hobbies, talents, we aren't even of the same faith. When we agree on something, we usually joke that we should mark it on the calendar.

We have been through a lot in our 9 years. The stresses that hit you in life can be a bit much. And with the stress, even the smallest problems can be amplified. The past six years of working midnight shift, dealing with issues like bills, no money, car problems, kid issues, working opposite shifts, rarely sharing the same bed at the same time, and all the other stresses in life can add up. Then you take the fact that most of the time I'm sleep deprived, grumpy, and doing a million different things. Somewhere along the line - the fact that we rarely saw each other, argued about so many different things, annoyed each other, and were both extremely frustrated with things started to take its toll. I started wondering what the hell we were doing. Why were we even together. We seemed to be pulling apart rather than pulling together. I think we were so busy trying to take care of other things, we were forgetting to take care of our relationship. I was unhappy with a lot of things - my job, my hours, my lack of sleep. I felt very alone. I spent most of the night at work alone, I spent most of my evenings alone with my one son. I didn't get to go many places, see many people, talk to many people. The more isolated I got, the more alone I felt. The more alone I felt, the angrier I got at my husband. He got to do things I didn't get to do. He got to see people, do things. He got time away from our son. He got to do things he wanted to do. It seemed like I never did. That I was carrying all the responsibility and he was getting the easy end of the deal. Resentment can throw a real wrench in a relationship. Communication turns into arguing, arguing turns into yelling, yelling turns into silence. And silence can kill a relationship. When you stop even talking, you start feeling like you are living with a stranger. So, that was where I was at. Angry, resentful, silent, and wondering if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this guy.

Going into the new year, I wanted to make changes - lots of changes. Heck, that's why I started this blog - to make changes. I wanted to get busy living, be happy, make positive changes. As I made these changes, I was still focusing on the negative aspects of our relationship. I wasn't thinking about the positive points of it. And I certainly wasn't making any effort to make it work. Instead, I was slowly convincing myself that there were more reasons to end it. And a relationship is much like a plant. You have to have good roots, a good soil, and a desire to take care of it. You have to show it attention - feed it, water it, love it, and take care of it. If you don't, it will die. When we were planning our wedding, my husband's pastor agreed to marry us on the condition that we go through premarital counseling with him first. We agreed. At the end of the sessions, the pastor told us that he had never met two people more prepared to get married. He said that so many people who wanted to get married were wearing rose colored glasses, that they were so blinded by the flush of new love, they weren't realistic. We went into our marriage with our eyes wide open. We knew what we were getting into. It wasn't some whirlwind romance where we were swept off our feet. We had good roots.  I honestly think we just forgot to take care of the relationship. We let everything else take precedence over it. We stopped feeding and watering it. And it was withering.

But, I also somewhere in my wisdom realized that I didn't want to make any snap decisions based on pure emotion. I knew I am tired, I am not thinking clearly, I am not at a good place to make huge life changing decisions like this. So, I told myself to hang in there. To wait and see if things got better. I wanted to wait until I got a new job, made some other changes, got a grip. Which was a step in the right direction. But then - I realized something. It wasn't going to get better if we didn't make it better. If I didn't change how I was looking at it and see the good points. If I didn't start making the effort to make it work. To make him a priority too. To remember all the reasons I married him. They are still there. The wonderful, loving, faithful, loyal, honest, silly, funny, creative guy I fell in love with was still there. I had just forgotten to look for him. I let him become a last priority on the list. I let our relationship be last on the list too.

So, what to do? Do I give up and get divorced? Do I take the easy path and say that it's just too hard? Because in some ways - yeah - way easier to just call it quits and walk away. I would then not have to work on the relationship. I would not have to compromise. I could do what I wanted. I think that's part of the problem today. Too many people walk away. It's easy. A couple hundred bucks and a divorce is yours. But no. That's the easy way out. And I would, in the long run, end up losing one of the most important people in my life. My husband. And while he makes me nuts. He makes me angry. He makes me frustrated. He also makes me laugh. He makes me smile. He makes me feel loved. He makes me think. He makes me feel beautiful. And.. he makes me happy. So while the past 9 years have been up and down. And even though I will probably still complain about him, get mad at him, and even want to give up again at some point. I love my husband and am a very lucky woman to have realized this before it was too late.

Goal Progress - 45 hours, 49 minutes, 32 seconds. Just Do It

So the amount of advice out there, products out there, and warnings out there for quitting smoking are endless. There are sites online, doctors, apps for your phone, studies, and a million different ways to try. As well as those people who have quit themselves who are always willing to offer advice, non-smokers who are willing to push you to quit. And there are a million reasons TO quit. Money, health, health of family, appearance, smell, money, oh, and did I mention the money you would save? So, you want to quit smoking? There are bound to be a lot of different people who will help you do it. But honestly - they can't. There are products out there that tons of people use to quit - and sometimes they even work. There are plenty of chances to quit - which many of us don't take. Or we set the date, get all revved up to do it, and then don't. We play tricks on ourselves and others. We lie about it - to ourselves and others. We think we will cut down. We think we can set all kinds of goofy rules. You know those rules if you are trying to quit. I will only smoke every other day, with my left hand, outside where no one will see me. Or I will never smoke in the car with the kids. Which often lasts until the next jerk cuts you off in traffic and you get stressed.  I will stop smoking inside the house. Which lasts until the first rainy day or the temperature drops. Where do we come up with some of these idea for strange rules we will follow? That we follow for a week or two. Or until we hit a bar and have a few drinks. Have you ever noticed that no matter what you do to quit - a few drinks and it's all down the drain?

And have you noticed that no matter how helpful people try to be when you are quitting, you really want to kill anyone who just even mentions it? I know they are trying to be supportive - but the person who stands there and even speaks to you is looking to be killed. The one who says "You are doing so great" - yeah? You think this is great? It would be great to see you try this. "I'm so glad you are doing this" - oh boy, you are? I'm not. I want to go have a smoke. "You will be so much happier" When? When do I stop wanting to break things? "You will have so much more money" - Yeah? I'm going to need it for a defense attorney after I kill you.

May 1st I quit smoking. Not for the first time. But I believe for the last. I quit cold turkey. No patches, no medications, no gums, no cutting down, no rules, no anything. I just did it. I put out my last cigarette at midnight and said no more. I'm done. Here it is 45 hours and 49 minutes and 32 seconds later. And I think I'm doing pretty good. I haven't actually killed anyone yet. I am not a violent person. I am not an angry person. I am sweet, loving, and gentle with my words. Until you take my cigarettes away. Then, I become a vile, nasty, bitch. I will threaten, I will yell, I will throw things, kick things, spit, cuss and generally hate everyone. I will picture violent scenes in my head, I will want to act them out. I will be mean even when not deserved. Don't ask me to pass the butter. I will throw it at your head. Don't ask me what I want for dinner - I don't want dinner - I want a cigarette. I am hanging in there though. They say the first three days of detox are the worst. Hmm. I am hoping. Because at this going rate, I'm going to end up running tourists down with my car just out of sheer madness.

But, honestly - let's look at this from a realistic standpoint. What is happening for real? I'm trying to beat a very, very strong addiction. I have had drug addicts who were addicted to crack say it was easier to get off of crack than it is to quit smoking. So that is saying something. So, I'm going through withdrawal. My body is craving something and I'm not giving in. My mind says I want it, my body says I want it. But I am saying no. I am shaking. My heart is racing. I have a headache. My stomach is upset. My mouth is dry. I feel like I have bugs crawling under my skin. The addiction to cigarettes is physical. But it is also mental, emotional, and whatever else you want to say it is. It is something that will kill you. But when you quit cold turkey, you stop caring about that. You think - it wasn't so bad when I smoked. It's okay that I had to sell off my first born child to afford a pack of cigarettes. It says something when you are looking at your monthly budget and it's going to be tight. So, do you cut down on the cigarettes? Nope, you will cut food spending, you will cut gas spending, you will even call a bill and tell them it will be late in order to have enough money to get your smokes. There is something seriously, seriously wrong with that.

So, friends and family. It has now been 46 hours, 2 minutes and 45 seconds since I smoked my last cigarette. I am hoping that some time soon I will stop counting the seconds, stop thinking about it all the time, stop wanting to kill everyone I speak to. I hope that in the next few hours, days, weeks, months, and years, I am healthier, happier and going to live longer. But in the mean time - if you call me and I bite your head off for asking me how I am doing - forgive me and know I still love you. I'm just trying to quit smoking.

Thoughts - Count My Blessings

I had a recent medical scare that really got me thinking about things. A couple of weeks ago, I found some moles on my back that looked really bad. I did some research online and by all means it looked like melanoma or skin cancer. Pretty scary word, cancer. So, even without insurance and pretty much broke - you don't put something like this off. You have to get it checked. So, doctor appointment made, the two week wait to see him gave me time to think about things. I talked to friends and family. I started to think "what if this is cancer?" What if's can be a bad thing sometimes. Regrets can eat you up. But, sometimes, it can really help you re-evaluate your life and look at things in a different way. It can wake you up to things that maybe you are missing. Remind you how blessed you are in your life. It made me realize how many people I have in my life that I love, and that love me. How many people are cheering for me, pulling for me, helping me. How important it is to live life, love life, and love those in my life. Because, even if you aren't dying from cancer, even if you don't have health problems, even if you live a long, healthy life - there are only so many days to everyone's life. There is only so many chances to tell someone that they are important to you. There are only so many years you can do certain things. If you don't do them when you get the chance - you may never get to do them. I see all the time, especially online, things that remind you to say I love you as much as you can, to hug those around you often, to stop and smell the roses, to take chances, to live life to the fullest. Because, before you know it - it will be gone. The loved ones around you may pass before you. The ones you love will be left behind when you go. Then all that will be left is memories. Good memories, as well as bad memories. To me, it is important to make as many good memories as we can before we go.

I looked over my goals that I've made for myself this year and the changes I want to make. They are good goals. And focusing on me is very important. The changes I want to make are very important. But, just as important are the goals that include others. When I go, I want people to remember the good memories about me. I want people to remember the happy times. The times where I helped them, or they got to help me. The times we laughed together. Even the times we cried, but were there for each other, because those are important too. I want to be remembered as a good person. A person who cared, who loved, who gave, who lived their life to the fullest. Now, that doesn't mean I'm going bunjee jumping or jump out of a working airplane. That may be something some people want to do. But no, not me. Me, I want to read some of the books I've been putting off. Do some of the things with my kids that I've been wanting to do. I want to stop saying tomorrow and do today. I want to remember to say I love you every day. I want to make someone's life better each day. It's not hard - a smile, a thank you, a hug. All of these things are small but make a huge difference. I want to look into the joy of my youngest son's face and see the world through his eyes. I want to listen to music with my teenage son and appreciate his opinions. I want to talk to him. I want to talk about all kinds of things - stories from his past, plans for his future. I want to laugh with my oldest daughter and appreciate the woynderful adult she is. I want to share with her my recipes, my thoughts, hear her plans for the future, and let them all know how special they are to me. I want to re-connect to my husband. The last six years of working opposite shifts, struggling with money, and facing numerous challenges has had its toll on my marriage. I want to remember how I felt on our wedding day. But, it doesn't stop there, I want to re-connect to everyone. I want to talk to my sister about our lives. I want to hug my mom - she won't be here forever. I want to enjoy every day I have with her. And friends, and other family. Because when it comes down to it - the stuff you have in your life is just stuff. The really important things in life, the things that really matter are the people who love you and care about you. The people you share your life with. In that way I am very, very blessed.

Thankfully, when I went to the doctor yesterday, it wasn't cancer. It was something called seborrheic keratoses. They can often be mistaken for melanoma. But they are harmless. Due to my skin type, heredity, sun exposure, they form, but really are nothing. But the doctor was very glad I had them checked out and said it was the smartest thing to do. So, that is not a battle I have to fight today. But, I am thankful for it anyway. Because it reminded me of what is important in life, and who is important in my life. And I think sometimes we all need to stop and count our blessings in our life. Before it's too late.

What? Me Worry?

I am a worrier. I worry about everything, most of the time. I worry about me, my family, the bills, my job, the world, politics, the environment, my car, and on and on and on. Now, I know that worrying about things is not good for me. Stress, blood pressure, and all kinds of other things happen when you worry too much. Letting go, relaxing, and not worrying are much healthier and productive. But, I do, I struggle with it. And recently, that worry hit a high pitch. It seemed like an ocean of waves kept hitting me. Every time I would wrap my mind around everything happening, we would get hit by something else. A couple of weeks ago, I started to seriously wonder if we would be able to steer clear of everything - bills, problems, jobs, kids, car, money. And they weren't small problems. They were big ones, with no clear answer. I spent an entire weekend on my panic meds trying to get a grip. But yet people seemed to keep looking to me for answers. What should we do? What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? How are we going to handle all this? I didn't have any answers, and I was worried. Beyond worried, I was losing my grip. So, after that weekend, I took an honest look at things. Obviously I couldn't go on the way we were going on. I couldn't spend the next, oh say, 10 years on my panic meds. I couldn't solve all the problems in a day. I couldn't even figure out what we were going to have for dinner. It had to stop. Not the problems, they won't go away simply by me deciding that I didn't want to deal with them. But, what could stop was my way of dealing with them. I couldn't worry any more.

There are those who believe in God and can turn it over to him. In fact, I attended a Christian church at one time that had this wooden cross. And by the wooden cross were a hammer, some nails, and slips of paper. When you had a problem you couldn't deal with, you wrote it down on the slip of paper and nailed it to the cross "turning it over to God" and letting it go. Yeah, not so much for me. I'm a bit more of a control freak. Also, I honestly don't believe that simply nailing it to a cross is going to do much for us. But, I did have to let it go. I did have to stop running in circles like Henny Penny. I needed to go back to the baby steps. So, I looked at all the things we needed to deal with and prioritized them. By immediate needs, by time frame, by necessity. And as each one comes up, I am dealing with it. If it isn't next, I am not worrying about it. It doesn't mean I don't think about it at all. But man, that list was so long, and I was going over it in my head again and again. And it was a circle of madness. Who wouldn't feel overwhelmed? but nope, not doing it anymore. One thing at a time. I am one person, I will deal with it as it happens. And amazingly, the stress levels dropped greatly. I got my grip back.

So, a couple of days later, my husband starts asking, what are we going to do about (blank). So I said "I don't know". He looked at me and asked me again. I answered him again "I don't know". Then I asked him "So what are we going to do about (blank)?"  He looked confused. He answered me "I don't know".  I laughed and said - then what makes you think I have any answers? If you have no clue, why should I? He stopped asking. Although I do have to keep him on track with which issue we are dealing with. He keeps wanting to jump ahead, push to deal with more, but I stop him. If he wants to go in circles and worry, let him. Me, I'm not stressing it. Things will work out. Not sure how, not sure when, but they will work out. Sometimes, the less we plan, the better things are. And it sure is a heck of a lot less stressful. Bad things are going to happen. And sometimes lots of bad things happen all at once. We can't stop that. We can't stop life from kicking us in the ass. But, we can choose how we deal with it.

Goal Progress - I'm a Wuss That Can't Commit

If you have seen the movie Dead Again, you may remember this scene. If you haven't, you should watch it. It is a great movie about reincarnation and murder. Awesome movie. But the scene I'm talking about doesn't have a whole lot to do with the movie. Kenneth Branaugh plays a private detective named Mike Church. He locates a psychiatrist who has inherited some money, Dr. Cozy Carlisle, played by Robin Williams. He goes to see him, where he is working in a grocery store due to losing his license. While talking to Carlisle, Church keeps eyeing a pack of cigarettes that are sitting there by Carlisle.

Carlisle "You want a smoke?"
Church "No, no, I'm trying to quit."
Carlisle "Don't say you are trying to quit. Trying to quit is for pussies that can't commit. Either you are a smoker or a non-smoker. Make up your mind which you are and be that. There is no in between."

Well, brilliant words for those who have that kind of strength to commit to something, anything. But, some of us, we are wusses, who can't commit to forever. Imagine if everything were in those terms. Alcoholics Anonymous would not need twelve steps, it would be one step - stop drinking for the rest of your life. People would just be - whatever. But, yeah, I'm not that strong. With smoking, with changing, with so many things. To me, it's all about baby steps. When I look at doing something for the rest of my life, I shake. Be it, oh not smoking, or marriage, or heck - living. Whatever it may be. I don't know many people who can look at something they need to do for the rest of thier lives and not falter a little bit. But, the good thing is, you don't have to do it the rest of your life. You just have to do it now, today, or for the next five minutes. Whatever it takes to get you through. It doesn't seem so intimidating that way. And for me, it carries me through a lot of things. Such as school. When I started back at school, I looked at how long it would take me to finish and thought, I can't do that. I can't work midnight shift, go to school, and take care of my family for the next two years. But I didn't. I took it one class at a time. And got my first degree. When I saw that I could do it, I started my next degree. Two and a half years. Wow, long time to keep doing this. But, again - not forever. Just one class at a time. Then, when I had to stop due to financial aid, I was trapped in this job which is killing me. But, can't quit, can't not have a job. So, while I'm looking for another job, how do I face doing this one? One night at a time. One step at a time. If you break it down to baby steps, it isn't so overwhelming. It's doable.

So, now I've mastered the concept of baby steps. It can be frustrating, especially for someone who likes to make great leaps and bounds (often without looking). I like big changes. But the problem with big changes? They don't stick. To decide suddenly that I am going to going to eat vegetables, and never eat unhealthy foods, probably wouldn't happen. But making one or two small changes in my diet each week, before I know it, a much better diet. I want my entire apartment clean and organized - NOW. But, it is a hard thing to do when we all have bad habits, it's a mess, and there are tons of other demands on my time. So, how do we do this? One baby step at a time. Over time - clean and organized.

So, what am I doing with this brilliant wisdom I have acquired? Well, a lot of different things. I am making changes to my diet. I have cut out fast food. I have stopped drinking sodas. I have cut my sugar intake down. I have tried replacing some of the unhealthy foods I cook with better choices. I am eathing more regular meals (at least as much as I can on my schedule). So those are a few of my changes to my diet. I have also started the task of organizing my apartment. It's little steps, which are harder because I am fighting against the tide of other people. But, I got laundry sorters, picked up as much of the  laundry as I could, and have been trying to do at least a load a day. We aren't caught up, but we aqre getting there. I have also gotten rid of 7 bags of clothes to the thrift store. More to come. Each step I take helps me to build the confidence I need to take the next baby step. And now, I am ready for a bigger baby step. I want to quit smoking. Wow, a biggie for me. I have tried and tried and tried. I've tried cold turkey, I've tried medications, I have tried the gum, the patch, the smokeless cigarettes. I've been to a hypnotist. All failed, big time. I never lasted for more than a week or two. And I have to quit. I have to. I hate smoking. But I can't even imagine not smoking for the rest of my life. Wait a minute - I don't have to quit smoking for the rest of my life. I can just quit smoking for today. Or this morning. Or this hour. Or this 5 minutes. That I can' do. I can make sure I don't smoke in the next 5 minutes. And this hour. And this morning. After that, I don't have to worry about. Because for now - baby steps are enough. Baby steps get you there just as well as giant leaps. And there is far less of a chance of breaking something in the jump.

Challenges - Such a Thing as Too Nice?

When I was little, I was taught to be nice. I was taught to be polite. I was told that you didn't interrupt others when they were talking. You didn't take things from others. You always say nice things. You just weren't mean. I learned those lessons and manners well. Maybe it didn't help that I was picked on and bullied in school for much of my earlier school days. I hated it and always swore I wouldn't be mean to others. Maybe it's just my personality. I don't know. But I never thought there was a thing as being too nice. I always thought that being called nice was a compliment. How could it be a bad thing? It meant that people would like me, that people would want to be around me. I also learned the golden rule in school - treat others as you wanted to be treated. I was told that if you treat other people nice, they would treat you nice. Boy, were they wrong. It didn't work in school, it didn't work in life. All those nice little rules they teach you in school, like don't judge a book by it's cover, pretty is as pretty does, if you ignore bullies they will stop. You know them - we were all told them. But yeah, all crap. It is a nice idea - if everyone did it. Like a lot of things in life, if everyone doesn't do it - it won't work. World peace is a lot like that. The main reason world peace doesn't work is because every country wants peace, but doesn't act peaceful to each other. It's great to treat others like you want to be treated, but does no good if the other people don't do the same.

I was raised to believe that girls shouldn't fight. That they should be good girls. And I raised my kids to not fight either. My oldest, my daughter, I taught you should never hit someone. And maybe I was wrong. Fighters get somewhere. I would never change her. I think she is a sweet, loving, caring person - who has made a great success of her life. But she struggles with being too nice too. I also brought my boys up that you don't fight. Fighting doesn't solve anything. Violence is not a solution to anything. But what if they were fighters? Would it be so bad? With all the people out there willing to be cut throat am I really doing them a favor by teaching them to walk away? I know that I am struggling as an adult with being too nice. Yup, too nice. I have a hard time hurting people's feelings. I have trouble turning people away or turning them down. It boils down to the fact that I don't want anyone to be disappointed or hurt. So instead, I swallow it and do it. But that doesn't make me happy. It doesn't take into consideration my needs and wants. And when they don't return the same thing to me, I feel hurt. I feel disappointed. I try not to, but I find myself expecting everyone to do the same for me that I do for them. The golden rule, treat others as you want to be treated. I want to be treated nicely, so I treat others nicely. But it doesn't work. The rule is broken. There are far too many people out there who are takers and not givers. People out there to get whatever they can, screw everyone else. I need to learn that I need to not just give, but take what I need too. I am important. I count. Now, somehow I don't think I will ever turn into a greedy, selfish person. But I also need to turn into a person who doesn't feel guilty for taking what I need. I honestly believe in karma. I believe that you should send out good energy, positive things. But, it isn't negative to take what you need from life. I honestly don't think we are here to suffer and sacrifice. We are here to share and balance our lives. What I need to do is find that balance. And maybe be just a little not so nice.

Thoughts - Making Sense of Life

When you think about it - we are each a sum of many, many things. We are a sum of our genetics, our parents, our upbringing, our environment, our experiences, our families, our decisions, and probably some random other things. Each of us has had very different mixes of these. To get through this life, we have to try to make sense of this cauldron of things stirred together. And most of the time we are doing it on the fly, as life rarely stops and lets us take the time to make sense of it. Also, we don't get a re-do of almost anything. Life doesn't have a reset button, you don't get to take back things you do or say. And we all know that there is absolutely no one who is perfect. We all do things we wish we hadn't, we all say things wrong sometimes. Often times, we make the best decisions we can at the time. Life is more like an action flick than it is a game of chess. In chess you have time to sit and ponder your next move. In an action flick, more often than not you are shooting from a moving vehicle. Also in chess, you are only dealing with one other person, in life - rarely are you dealing with one thing at a time. Instead, it is more like juggling many things at the same time. So, it's no wonder things can get challenging. And when you add into it that many of us carry baggage with us on the trip, it can get hard.

But, there are times when you get to sit down and catch your breath. If you don't take some time to slow down, regroup, think about things, and sort them out, it can get more tangled than a cat in a room full of string. Keeping everything straight and sorted isn't always possible. Usually it is all connected in some way, with no real beginning and end to events. Thing mix together, one thing affects another. Like in relationships. People tend to bring their experiences from the past to their new relationships. There is really no way to know what baggage a person is bringing from their past that has made them who they are today. But some baggage can get heavy. Some things need to be sorted and put away. There is really no way to get rid of your past. And if you think about it, you don't really want to get rid of your past. It is your past that has made you who you are today. I like who I am today. I may not have always done the right thing, I may not have always made the best decisions, but I can say I did the best I could. I look at my past and try to learn what I can from it. I accept that I can't change it, and I try to move on. When you don't let go of some of the baggage, you can find yourself carrying more and more of it. It can get really heavy. I have also learned that forgiveness is essential in life. Forgiving yourself, as well as others, is important. It goes back to the whole no one is perfect. We are all going to make mistakes. Now, forgiving others can be hard. Especially those who have truly hurt you. Truly taken something from you. But, you also have to remember that for whatever reason  they did it, it was their reason. They are not you, you will probably never understand why they did it. You may never forget what they did, but you can forgive and let it go. Put that bag down. Forgiving yourself is harder. Hindsight is 20/20. It is really easy to look back afterwards and see those decisions that you made  or things that you did and find fault. It is also easy to continue to beat yourself up for it. But those decisions you made, you made for a reason that made sense at the time. Probably the best thing you can do for yourself is to accept the past and put the bag down. Don't carry it with you everywhere. Lighten your load by moving forward without it.

But just as important as forgiving yourself for things you have done in the past is realizing that you are responsible for your impact and your actions on others. We all do make mistakes, but there are times when we must also realize that things are our own fault. That we are responsible for what we say and do. Constantly blaming others for things is just as bad as constantly feeling guilty for things that aren't our fault. When we don't take all that we have experienced from life this far, learn from it, and make changes in ourselves, then we are doomed to make the same mistakes over and over. Only by confronting our mistakes and learning from them, can we truly put that baggage down. There have been people in my life that always believed that it was someone else's fault. That they were the victim all the time. Bad things continued to happen to them because they never learned from their own mistakes. Only by learning and changing can you make changes that are going to change your life. That are going to change the outcome. That are going to make your life better.

To come full circle with my point, you have to be still sometimes, pause to review your life, make sense of it and learn from it. The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect the results to be different. Now, while we can all be crazy sometimes, some more than others, I don't want to be insane. I want to continue down my path without all the baggage weighing me down. I want to find the inner peace to move forward without it. Not always an easy task, but very possible.

Goal Progress - Does It Really Matter?

Rush, rush, rush. Go here, run there, do this, take that. We all live crazy lives. Most everyone I know feels like they are living a day late and a dollar short. We all commiserate about how busy we are and how little time we have. Some are worse than others. I have talked before about priorities. I know I struggle with putting everything at top priority. And there are often things that absolutely need to be done. I can't forget to feed my kids. I can't just not go to work. So yes, there are things that do have to be done. But, really, is everything that important? I know there are times when I stress myself out when I don't need to. There are times when I allow myself (note the important - allow myself) to get stressed when in all honesty, it's just not that important. I'm trying to cook dinner, take care of my son, the dog, chat on the computer, answer my phone, all at the same time. I find myself tense, stressed, and usually unhappy about it. Who wouldn't be unhappy about it - it's chaos?   But the other day, I was sitting at home in morning, having just got my son off to school - I was going through my head all the things I should do before I went to bed. I should call my mom, I should clean up the kitchen, I should..... yeah. But I'm tired. I need sleep. That proverbial light bulb goes off in my head. What if I just didn't do it? What if I just didn't do any of it and just went to bed? Would the world end? No. Talking to my mom could wait. The kitchen could wait. The laundry could wait. All of it could wait. Or better yet, my husband could help. See, part of my problem is that I believe if I don't do it, it won't get done. But, honestly, he can do it too. He knows how to clean a kitchen and do laundry. But, instead of asking him for help, I allow myself to feel burdened and stressed. So, instead of doing any of it - I went to bed. And felt better for it.

When my phone rings, or I get a text, even when I am busy, I jump to answer it. Whenever I am doing something online and a chat box opens up, even if I am busy, I jump to answer them. Like I have to be on call 24/7. And if I don't answer them fast enough - uh oh. Why? I have no clue. What would happen if I wait 5 minutes to return the call or answer the text? What if I didn't answer the chat box? Will they get mad, hate me, and never talk to me again? Chances are - no. And if they do, do I really need them in my life? Those who know and love me know what my life is like. They realize I am juggling a million balls all at once. If they feel the need to get upset because I can't get back to them right away, it's their problem, not mine. I use to keep my phone right by my head when I slept. And when it would ring, I would struggle to wake up, put on my glasses and read who the call was from. Yikes, yeah, no wonder I'm tired. So, really - is the world going to end? No. I've talked all about changing my priorities. I've talked the talk, it's time, once again friends, to walk the walk. I have all kinds of nifty sayings to back me up. Like "Just because you have something urgent, doesn't mean it's an emergency for me" and "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind". I truly need to realize what is important immediately, and what can wait. Burning dinner, not an option - sleeping through a phone call, completely acceptable. Not returning a text in 5 minutes or less, not a priority. I am not Domino's Pizza. I never set the 30 minutes or less rule. Instead of getting stressed out and panicked trying to do everything at once. I need to recognize those times, stop and take a deep breath, and reset those priorities. Maybe that means sending the son to his room and crating the dog. Maybe it means taking myself off the grid by turning off the computer and phone. Gasp, someone might need me. Well, they can call Underdog, this person needs to focus. I know I will struggle with this one. For some reason, I have programmed myself to be a beck and call girl. But - with practice, I'm sure I can do this. I can stop the insanity and organize my time and energy better. There are only so many hours in a day, and only one of me. I need to stop acting like the world will end every time I am not there to save it. I will leave saving the day to Superman and start acting like one person, with limited resources. Because when it all boils down to it - does it really matter? I mean  really?

Goal Progress - Farewell Facebook Games

There is a fine line between entertainment and addiction. It is also easy to ignore things that you don't want to see. When I started this blog one of the goals I set for myself was less time wasted on the computer. I said I wanted to do it, but maybe didn't really want to commit to it. You know how we do that. We know what is good for us, we know how to make good choices, yet we still do things that aren't healthy. And then we cover it up, or lie about it, or delude ourselves into thinking it isn't so bad. A theme I have mentioned here in my blog before. Today's evil I am talking about? Facebook. Now, Facebook itself is not evil (although my husband is convinced it is). No, honestly, it is an awesome site where I have been able to connect with many family members and friends. Some from high school, some from through out my life. So, how could it be a bad thing? How could staying in touch with friends and family be bad? Take a look at the games. Those time consuming, all invading, addictive games. Farmville, Hidden Chronicals, Fish World, Words With Friends. Just start, invite a few friends, add another app, and before you know it - it will take over your life like a drug. Before you know it, days of your life disappear. There was one woman who even killed her child over a Facebook game. No way. Not me. I could never be that bad. Right? I can handle it, just one game, just a few minutes a day, just a few games, just one more. Yup, gone. I was a goner.

Hi, my name is Kimber, and I was a Facebook Game Addict. Recovered. Yes, recovered. I took a step back and truly analyzed my time. Now, here's the thing. Working midnight shift at the hotel is generally boring. I have 8 hours to fill, and about 1 hour worth of work. So, that's 7 hours of staying awake. At night. Alone. When I was taking online classes, that wasn't enough time. Now that I'm not taking classes, yeah - it's an eternity. But, I was lucky, some of my friends are insomniacs. They stay up at night for various reasons. So I got invited to the games. So heck, why not. It passes the time. Then, a few more, then, more. Then, I would leave work, come home, play the games while I got my son ready for school and go to bed. Then, I would play them all night, come home, play them in the morning, put son on bus, and stay up awhile to play some more. THEN, get up in the evening, log on and play, pack up, go to work and play, then come home and play. Um, how many hours is that? Yeah, took over my life. Now, I have felt sad (and laughed) at those people who get addicted things like World of Warcraft or Sims. I mean come on, we live in reality, right? Um, yeah, I was obsessed with imaginary fish, in an imaginary fish world. Now, that being said. It is not evil. It is not the game. It is the mind set. When my priorities changed. When I started delaying life to play a game. That's when it became a bad thing. And, I was shocked, when I resisted changing it. But, I prevailed. I have over come. I have kicked the habit.

When I did finally realize it (for real) that I needed to get rid of the games, I did make a clean break. I got rid of the fish, the word games, the hidden object games, the friend games, the "friends". I cleaned out so far over 100 people I didn't know, didn't talk to, didn't even realize were on my friends list. And there are more to go. They were "game friends". People who needed more friends, to get more stuff in the games. More gifts, more coins, more energy. Yeah, when I look at it now - I have no clue how it all happened. So, I emerge victorious from Facebook, into the light of day. One small step for man, one HUGE step towards my goals. I am strangely proud of myself.

Challenges - Always Look On the Bright Side of Death

There are many sayings out there, such as always look on the bright side of life, every cloud has a silver lining, and even you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs. Attitude can make a big difference in life. Sometimes all it takes is changing the way you look at things to turn them around. When I was a teenager, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and faced many mood swings, where everything was either really, really good, or really, really bad. But I think that is true is many teenagers, they tend to think everything is absolute - the end of the world or the best ever. My mom always told me that it was best to sleep on things, to give it a little time and it won't seem so bad. And even in my extremes, I found it to be true. Just when things seem their absolute worst, give it a good night's sleep or a little time and it will not seem to be so massive. So, when making big decisions, I try to leave myself some time before I make them. Now, that doesn't mean I get to let myself off the hook. The decision still needs to be made. And stuck to. I had one friend who was never able to make any decisions. He would procrastinate until all his options were gone. Then, he didn't have to make a decision, instead they were made for him - by either someone else or by the situation. So, putting things off too long can be just as bad as making snap decisions. There has to be a balance.

Another thing you have think about is the people around you. Whether you realize it or not, attitudes are contagious. If you are constantly around people who are negative and look at the bad side of things, you will find yourself either seeing things the same way. Or you will find yourself constantly exhausted with trying to remain optimistic against the tide. Now, there are some people in your life who may be negative that you can't avoid all the time, such as family members, or people you work with. But, you can counteract that by spending away time with people who are uplifting and positive. There is also a difference between venting to let things go and being a constant complainer. Letting a friend vent to you, or rant about something is something that can be good. But putting up with or being someone like that will attract that kind of energy to you. Sometimes it's hard to recognize that it's even happening. I'll be having a conversation with someone who is negative, I'll think I am not being influenced, but when I look back, I realize how it tainted my thinking and I started looking at things in a more negative light. But also, the same goes for the opposite. When I am with someone who looks at things in a positive light, I find myself feeling more positive and encouraged. Negative tend to look at why things will never work out, while positive people tend to find reasons why they will, and also find ways to make them work.

Now, as I said, you can't always surround yourself with positive people. And in my life, I don't always look on the bright side. In fact, sometimes I find myself complaining more than I like. But - being aware of it, I am trying to change that. I am trying to be a more positive person, be with more positive people, and look for reasons it will work instead of why it won't.

Challenges - It's Not That Bad

How many times have you drawn a line? Put your foot down? Said you had reached the end of your rope? If you are anything like me - a million times. I am famous for saying this is the last chance, many, many times. I know at the time I say it, I mean it. I feel like I can't or won't take any more. Only to discover I will and do. I kind of remind myself of a mall cop. Stop or I will yell stop again. And I think the people in my life realize this - that they hear me say enough, but that they can keep pushing, so they ignore it. And, it goes on. So, somehow I manage to convince myself that it's not that bad. That I can live with whatever it is. There are no consequences, there are no changes, there are no improvements. It is amazing what you can find yourself accepting and putting up with rather than saying you are done and meaning it. After all, it is easier to put up with things, no matter how bad, than make changes or stand your ground. Less confrontation, less rocking the boat. It's the wimpy way out. Sigh, okay. So, how do I take a stand and stick by it? I find myself making extreme statements out of frustration. Ones that I could never keep. It's like the parent stating that the kid will be grounded for the rest of their natural born life. Yeah, not going to happen.  So, how do I start making it clear that I mean it? And what do I mean?

Well, I figure it's like anything else, start small. Pick one thing I am really not willing to do, put up with, or deal with any longer. What are the options available to change it. Such as the dumping ground that is my dining room table. I hate it. I hate that everything gets dumped on there so that we have no room to eat, do homework, etc. I have said time and time again - don't put your crap all over the table or I will throw it away. And I got a box and started throwing everything into the box and said, do something with all this stuff or I will throw it away. The box still sits. Full. I think they have come to realize that I'm not going to throw anything away. Yet, there is still more stuff all over my dining room table. All bark and no bite. Friends and family say - do it - throw it all away. My problem is, some of that stuff is important. I throw it away, I am not willing to deal with the consequences. That is probably the reason.... no - that IS the reason I don't do it. I am afraid to deal with the consequences of my threats. So, what will happen if I throw away all the stuff? There will be anger, there will be fighting, there will be yelling. I hate all that. So, instead, I grumpy, complain, threaten.... and convince myself it is not that bad. And do nothing. So, I don't want anger, fighting, etc. But no one is going to take me seriously if I don't stick to my guns either. Where is the compromise? Where is something that is going to make everyone happy. But also, what is going to make them realize I am serious about it.

I honestly think it is only going to take standing my ground once or twice to make them realize I am serious. That I really will do what I say I am going to do. And maybe, just maybe I am going to have to put up with the kicking and screaming once or twice to make them realize it. Today, the dining room table - tomorrow? The world.

Challenges - Fight or Flight

I am a very laid back, non-confrontational person. Well, more than that even, I actively avoid confrontation, to the point of hiding from it. I really dislike confrontation. I don't often stand up for myself. I often agree with people when I don't really agree with them. Probably not the best stance to take. It often leads to frustration, being trapped in situations I don't want to be in, stress, depression, feelings of helplessness. So, what happens when all that happens? It builds up until I explode. I eventually do reach a breaking point. And it's not usually pretty. And it's not always at the person who deserves it. And I'm not always fair when I do get mad. And I am not nice. And I sometimes say things and do things I regret because I let the emotions rule me rather than logic. Being a bipolar Gemini probably doesn't help with this. When I was a young child, I was considered "agreeable". When I was a teenager, I was out of control. Then I was "reserved". Then I was out of control. Hmm, I see a pattern here. I know the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Being most of the way to claiming the title of psychologist - yeah, I know what's going on. I understand it. I know what I should be doing. I know how I should be dealing with things. It all looks so easy on paper. Then again - my son's picture of an airplane looks like it should fly too... on paper. But I doubt it would. Why is it that it is so easy to make decisions, yet so hard to follow through with them? Why do we sabotage ourselves in so many ways? I see the patterns, I recognize that I am doing them. Why do I continue to do them?

Emotions are here to stay - all of them. The good, the bad, and the ugly. You can't ignore them, you can't escape them. They don't go away. Everyone gets mad, hurt, angry, frustrated, stressed, depressed, happy, silly, loving, emotional. It's what you do with this mess of emotions that counts. Swallowing them until they build up and explode hasn't worked all this time, so, what can I do to change it? I mean honestly, not the textbook solution. It's really easy to read in a book how fly an airplane. That doesn't qualify you to fly one. It's also very easy to look at a situation and say "next time that happens, I should...." but not always easy to do the next time it happens. Especially when it comes to emotions. Emotions often have a mind of their own. Especially the strong ones, the ones that spend their off time pumping iron and preparing. The ones like Anger, who is pushy, rude, mean, and nasty. Anger has a temper. Anger likes to break things, throw things, hurt, maim, and kill. Given uncontrolled freedom, Anger can destroy lives. So how do you keep Anger from destroying you? Obviously my idea of keeping him under lock and key isn't working, he always seems to break free from the cage and go on rampages. Maybe it's like that fart in public that you just can't hold in. You know, the one you try to let out just a little at a time, hoping no one will notice. Or maybe the Bitch Mode works. You know, the "that time of the month" attitude where you simply rant and rave about absolutely everything. How about Anger in Disguise - where you get together with some close girlfriends and rip apart someone who you all hate, or isn't there. Then there is the Sneak Attack. That is the anger where you are angry about something else, but pretend you aren't and attack someone about something trivial. Like your spouse leaves their dishes in the sink, and you explode - even though you do to. But you are actually pissed off because they did something else completely unrelated. There are tons of ways that we deal with this beast. And to be honest, I don't know many people, aside from like the Dalai Lama, who deals with it well. It seems everyone struggles with this. Now, I do wish I could be like the Dalai Lama who seems to be so wise and able to be at peace no matter what. But somehow I don't think the Dalai Lama would be so peaceful if he lived my life. Or maybe if I were more peaceful like him, I wouldn't need to deal with so much anger. Or maybe this is kind a moot point.

So, here I am, this mess of emotions running a race, with anger pulling into the lead, pushing all the others off the track. I need to find a way to rein it in and control it. I can't keep going from calm, calm, calm, psycho. Honestly, I would like to tell you my plan of action, how I plan to overcome this challenge. But I don't know. I honestly don't know what to do about this one. I'll have to think about it and try to come back later and answer this question. Hopefully I will find one soon. Before the creature destroys my life.

Thoughts - Walk A Mile In My Shoes

I have a lot of tolerance, acceptance, empathy, and understanding for people. I realize that everyone has it rough in one way or another. From the riches of people, who seem to have everything, to the people who have to live on the street. It is sometimes easy to look at others and think you know what it's like to be them. Who hasn't looked at someone who has a lot of money, and thought, wow to be them. To be able to buy anything you wanted. Or looked at your friends, or family, or whoever and thought, wow, they have it made. They have it so easy. On the flip side of that coin, it is also hard sometimes to have empathy for others. To listen to them complain and not think to yourself, wow, I have it way worse than they do and I don't complain half as much. So, putting things in perspective and realizing that everyone has it hard in some way or another is important. Keeping in mind that no one really has it made. If everyone would do that, maybe we could all help each other out more instead of always looking at how hard we have it ourselves. That being said, I wish there were some people in my life who would look at what I do, what I am going through, what I have to deal with, and have a little empathy. I'm not looking for them to pity me, feel bad for me, or even necessarily help me. Just not criticizing me and telling me things are my own fault, or that I need to do more. Or criticizing how I spend my time, or even what I do with my free time. Walk a mile in my shoes. Live my life for awhile. Do what I do, face the decisions I face. Then you can judge me. I respect what you do, what you are going through. I may not understand completely what you face, but I respect that you are going through it. Why do people not do the same? Why do some people feel they have the right to come down on me for my life? Now, it is true that there are those who do nothing to make their lives better. There are those who complain constantly yet do nothing to change it. There are those who aren't happy unless they are unhappy about something. I do find it very hard to remain sympathetic and supportive after awhile. Those who have the same problems over, and over, and over. And yet, when offered options, instead of looking at those options and how to make them work, they look for reasons why they wouldn't work. And be honest, we have all done that at some point. At some point we all have probably felt trapped and like it will never get better or change. But, usually, at some point, we all get fed up and make changes. After all, isn't that what this whole blog is about? Making changes, changing myself, changing my life? And trust me, it's not easy. I face challenges every day to these changes. But, I keep trying. It's not fast or easy. But I am trying. Then to have people both to my face, and behind my back, to criticize me, say I'm not doing enough, and even that I am lying about what my life is like, just makes it all that much harder. It makes it all that much worse. Instead of looking at what it must be like to be me, and deal with everything, they stand on the outside making judgements and telling me what I should be doing. I don't do that to them. I don't look at them and tell them they aren't doing enough. I don't tell them they are full of crap and should just get over it. I don't look at their issues and tell them they are petty or stupid. I don't judge. I want to lift people up, not put them down. So, when I hear things like this, I try my hardest to not let it get to me. I try my hardest to keep in mind that I am doing the best I can do right now. I remember that it is my life - not theirs. I do not have to make them happy. I do not have to please them. I don't even have to listen to them. I can do this my way. I can do this for me. I can live my life, my way, with or without their love and support. In my time, with my own two feet walking my own path. I can choose not to let them bring me down. I can decide not to let them push me in a direction I don't want to go. And most of all, I can take it easy on myself sometimes too. I shouldn't have to gear up with mental armor to deal with some people. But - if needs be, I can. I can fight back. I can live my life and they can either join me on my journey or not. Those who mind, don't matter, those who matter, don't mind. Accept me, love me, lift me up as I lift you up. I will do the same for you. I will respect you and give you all the support I can. I expect the same back though. I expect you to accept, even if you don't understand. I know you don't know exactly what I'm going through - you can't, you aren't me. But understand that my path is difficult, just as your is. This isn't a contest of who has it worse. This isn't a who does what better race. There isn't a winner and a loser. There is both of us winning by having a loving caring relationship where we both succeed. So, let's turn this into a win/win situation instead of an attack or a war. Let's walk beside each other on our paths and share the journey.



Finger Eleven - Walking In My Shoes

Goal Progress - Bad Things Happen To Good People

We all know that bad things happen to good people, and that good things happen to bad people in life sometimes. But sometimes it seems like the bad people get ahead more than the good. If you look at a drug dealer pulling up in a nice car, with nice clothes, and pulling out wads of money. Or the politicians who get paid amazingly well to screw the common people. That kind of thing. Yet the honest, hard working people, the ones who do the day to day jobs live paycheck to paycheck. And then turn around and get hit again and again. Now, this is not always the case, but I see more and more of it every day. I have more and more friends who were doing okay are now struggling and looking for help. Now, I know not everyone agrees that the government should offer "hand outs". That there shouldn't be welfare, that there shouldn't be extended unemployment benefits. But, what are the people suppose to do who honestly want to work, want to support their families and can't? What about the ones willing to do any job they can find for a paycheck? They say that the illegals here in this country are doing jobs that Americans don't want to do. But honestly, every person I know that is looking for work is willing to do any job they can find. There is no unwanted jobs. So, you may be asking why I am ranting about this in my blog about change. Good question. Glad you asked. Every year, my family looks forward to tax time. I know that many don't, but we fall below the poverty line. Most of the year this sucks. But, at tax time, this means that we get money back. And usually, it's a lot of money - well, a lot of money for us anyway. We use this money in a lot of different ways. We use it to either catch up on bills we are behind on, put into savings, take care of things we have been putting off, even take care of things we couldn't afford all year long - such as medical and dental issues. Yup, no medical insurance, so gotta find ways to make do without. So, this year was particularly hard on us. We were really looking forward to the tax return. We not only needed to catch up, but we needed to move. Moving is a huge expense, we would have to come up with a lot of money for deposits and such. So, we were holding our breath waiting for our W2s to come in. When they did, I was so excited. It meant we might see light at the end of the tunnel. As I sat doing our taxes, I was a bit puzzled. The amount wasn't quite what I expected, in fact, it was a lot lower than I expected. Sigh, okay, after making sure everything was right, I filed. It wasn't going to be as much of a boost as I thought, but we could work with it. With efile and direct deposit, it should only take a week or so and we should have our money. Both state and federal. Then, we get notice that our state return has been seized for over due property taxes. Sigh, okay, well so it's going to be a bit less than we thought even more. We wait, we wait, no deposit. The IRS site was having problems, no information. Okay, there are delays. We wait. But then, the final blow, we receive notice in the mail that they have seized our federal returns too. No money. No deposit, no help. No boost to help us get out of this hole that seems to get deeper and deeper. Sigh. We can't move. We can't get ahead. So, now what? I spent a day or so depressed about it. Angry. Pretty much just ready to say forget it. Nothing is going to change. Nothing is going to get better. The rich are going to keep getting richer, we are just going to continue busting our butts to fall behind. It's like a frustrating Rubik's cube. I twisted and turned and looked at it over and over. I would like to say that I got all the colors lined up and everything is good now. But it's not. But - it's not going to be that easy. So, instead, I started working on our budget, I started doing more figuring. And, it's going to be okay. It's not the end of the world. We shall persevere. We will get ahead somehow. The right job is out there for me. It's just going to take time to find it. And once again, I have to keep myself on track. I have to remember that all things change, all things pass. This isn't forever, nothing is forever. So, there may be others out there who are doing better. But, I always have to remember that there are also those out there who are doing far worse. So, just like Dory says in Finding Nemo (she's my hero) - just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Goal Progress - Ignore it - It will go away

I always loved little kids when they cover their eyes and believe that since they can't see you, that you can't see them. Cover your eyes and you become invisible. I built an entire philosophy of life on this belief. Close my eyes and ignore it and it will go away. It works wonders for all kinds of things. Bills, medical problems, people, stress, all go away if you ignore them long enough. Right? See, here is my standard of operation when confronted with something that I don't have an answer to - go to bed. If it's still there when I wake up - ignore it. If it calls my phone - don't answer. If it sends me a letter in the mail, put it in a pile and ignore it. If it hurts, ignore it. If it doesn't kill me - it will go away. Easy peasey. Okay, so maybe it isn't the best solution to life, but I have done it so long, avoided so much, that it is hard to turn around and face the music. There have been various times in my life where I have put my foot down. I have determined that it was time to get my duckies in a row. I have gotten myself back on track. I have dealt with all that needs dealt with. But somehow, I keep returning to this policy of ignore it and it will go away. Now, granted, it's not always things that I can do something about. But even the thought of opening all the cans of worms can be terrifying. Now, maybe I'm the only one who is afraid to deal with things. Maybe everyone else doesn't quake at the thought of dealing with bill collectors, or doctors, or bosses. But me, I just cover my eyes and turn invisible. Let me give you some examples. My health. There have been very few time in my life when I actually had health insurance. I've not had jobs that offered it, or I couldn't afford it, or whatever. But, my idea is - if you are not dead, it will go away. There have been a few times when I couldn't ignore it any longer, and ended up in the ER. But, everything else just got better. Or fell apart and I learned to live with it. I only consider it serious enough to be dealt with if it is bad enough to go to the hospital for. Bills are another biggie that I have a hard time dealing with. I know there isn't enough money to pay them all, so don't look at the bank account, don't answer the phone when they call, don't open the bills they mail me. Why? So I can know just how broke I am? So I can tell them I have no money to give them? Now, granted, some of them do things like cut off our power, our gas, or try to repossess our car. So, yeah, those you put off to the very last minute and then scramble desperately to stop that from happening. Now, don't get me wrong - we do pay our bills monthly. It's not like I completely ignore reality. But, when you fall behind and there is no money to catch up, you start robbing Peter to pay Paul and determine who you are going to ignore this month. I know, I know, I know, it is better if you call them and tell them that you can't pay them this month and make arrangements to make up what you owe next month or whatever. But that would seriously break my rule of ignoring them. Right now I am struggling to get all my student loans into deferment. My husband's old loans, which we ignored, finally garnished his wages. But, I am trying to keep that from happening to mine. But it's a nightmare So, I'm trying hard not to crawl into my safe, little shell and ignore it. It's not going to go away. I know it's not going to go away. None of it is. I know that in order to get my duckies in a row, I'm going to have to deal with all of them. All of it - life, health, bills, everything. Sigh, I miss my shell. It's so much easier to ignore it. All I can do is deal with things one at a time. I am not the first person to ever struggle. I am not the only person to ever fall behind. But just as I have taken steps to stand up for myself and learn to say no - I also have to learn how to stand up and be proactive in life - not just ignore it until it goes away.