Me - "You so would not believe what BLANK did/said today"
You - "What did they do?"
Me - "Well, I was blah blah blah, and they blah blah blah. Can you believe that?"
You - "No way. What did you do?"
Me - "Well, I blah blah blah. And they blah blah blah. So I blah blah blah. What do you think? Did I do the right thing? Should I have said that?"
You - "Wow YOU WERE SO RIGHT! blah blah blah. I don't know what blah blah blah YOU WERE RIGHT and blah blah blah"
Me - "Well that's what I thought/felt/meant"
How many times have you had this kind of conversation? Now, I will admit, most of the time, it is between two females. Men don't in general have this kind of conversation. But for some reason when things happen in our lives, often times we second guess what we did or maybe we feel guilty for something we did. Or maybe we felt we over reacted. Or one of a million other things. But, it all boils down to we ask someone else if they think what we did was the right thing to do or say. We look for validation. Validation of our actions, validation of our reactions, validation of our emotions. Should we have been angry, sad, upset, or whatever. Now, I think that there is nothing wrong with looking for validation from others. I think that many times that really helps us to feel better about ourselves. We receive the assurance from our friends/family/loved ones or whoever that what we did was the right thing. Thus, we feel better.
Now, I don't think seeking validation is a bad thing. I don't think that seeking support in difficult situations is wrong. But, when you start second guessing everything you say and do, or wanting people to pick sides, or needing someone to validate everything in your life, there is a problem. If you lack the confidence to feel like anything you say or do is the right thing, there is a problem.
Recently, I was told by someone close to me that I could be "whiny" and "needy" and let me tell you, it hurt. It made me upset and angry. I reacted with a barrage of self-defense. But, I failed in a couple of ways in my eyes. I allowed that person to make me feel a certain way. Which I just blogged about a couple of days ago. I allowed that person to upset me and control my emotions. But also, I didn't think about it. I just reacted. I don't like to "fly by the seat of my pants" in discussions like that. I like to think through what the person is saying, consider if I feel like it is true, try to see things how they see them, then react. But, instead, I allowed my emotions to take over and just reacted. So, anyway, after that - I had some time and I thought about it. So, what did I do? I called my daughter, who I love and trust to tell me the truth. And what did she say? Well, she said that she didn't think it was so much I was needy or whiny, but that I sought validation for things from people. That I needed to hear from those I love and trust that I am okay, that I am doing the right thing, that I am justified in my needs, my emotions, my actions, and my decisions. Hmmm. So, why do I need to hear from others that I'm right? Why can't I decide for myself if I am right or wrong? Why do I have to go to others to validate myself? Shouldn't I be able to be secure and confident enough that I don't need to constantly have others tell me that I was right? I should be able to do that. I should be able to do things in life, whether it be stand up for myself, make a decision, have an argument, or pick out clothes. Whatever it might be. Without needing someone else to tell me I am doing the right thing. Wow, this is a toughie. I thought about it, and it's gotten worse. Like a slide down a hill on a sled. Now, as I think about it, I realize that it has gotten to the point that any time anything happens in my life, I have to talk to someone about it and get validated. My mother, my daughter, my mother in law, my husband (in times of desperation), my best friend, any friend, a random stranger in Walmart. Whoever is there that I can get a hold of, flipping frantically through the phone book, looking for a name that might be someone who will tell me I'm alright. Okay, well maybe I haven't gotten that bad. But, I will admit to some of it. I will admit that anymore, I am constantly calling one of them going "was I right? Did I do the right thing?".
So, now comes the really, really hard part. I have admitted there is a problem. I have looked at it. But, now I have to do something about it. Yikes! I have to change. Double Yikes! Somehow, I need to get back the confidence, the self-assurance, the independence, self-esteem, to not need everyone else to validate me all the time. But, how do I do that? How do I suddenly tell myself I don't need everyone else to support me? Well, maybe by baby steps like everything else I am trying to do. I think what I am going to try and do is, the next time I feel the need to call someone and get their approval, I'm going to not call. I'm going to not tell someone what happened. I'm going to wait and see how it works out. I'm going to force myself to not ask the questions "What do you think? Did I do the right thing?" and see what happens. I'm not sure, but the world might end. If it does, sorry guys, didn't mean to blow up the planet. If it doesn't, maybe I will start to gain confidence in myself enough to not need to be validated as often. I mean, hearing you are right is okay some of the time. But I have to quit cold turkey, suffer through the withdraw and then look at it again. I wonder if they have rehab for this kind of thing. Validation Anonymous. I could get a sponsor who I could call with shakes in the middle of the night, who would then refuse to validate me. She would talk me down until I could get a grip again. Sigh, I think I'm kind of on my own with this one. And please, dear readers, I love to hear from you in the comments. But do me a favor, please don't tell me "You are so right"!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Goal Progress - Leggo My Ego
You make me so mad. You hurt me so much. You make me feel so worthless. Why do you make me feel this way? Why? Because I let you. I allow you to influence how I feel, how I think, how I feel about myself and how I act. It is not all your fault. Now, don't get me wrong - it is not right to push, hurt, manipulate, and insult others. But, it is up to me to let you do that to me. If I chose not to let you, then you can't. I can chose not to listen. I can chose to set my own self-worth. I can chose not to get angry. I can decide not to get mad and to let it go. So, you think I'm worthless? I don't. I find value in myself. I know I am worthy, I know I am a good person. I also won't take the blame for your mistakes. I won't feel guilty for things that you do. I won't allow myself to be manipulated into doing things that I don't want to do. Or things that aren't healthy for me.
How many of us let others set our view of ourselves? All of us. It's inevitable in some ways. We learn our self-worth from our parents. If our parents start our lives out making us feel worthwhile and valuable, loved and wanted, then it makes it easier to believe later in life. However, even if you don't have that kind of luck, that is no reason that you can't still learn that valuable lesson in life. At some point you have to wake up and realize that your parents were not gods. They do not make the sun rise, and the tides come in. They were just people who had a child. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my parents. But, at some point, I had to stop blaming my parents for everything in my life and take responsibility for who I was. On that same note, I have to realize that everyone in my life is not responsible for how I feel, what I do, and where I go in my life. It's so easy to let others keep you down, make you feel bad, make you feel angry. How easy it is to say "Well, not my fault - blank - said this or did this". Nope, suck it up, you are responsible for you. Much of what I feel, do, and say, is in reaction to others in my life. My kids, my husband, my co-workers, etc. Wow, what a lot of power I am giving away. Now, who hasn't gone into a store, had a crappy cashier who was grumpy and mean. You may leave the store feeling grumpy and angry. But why? Why give them the power to ruin your day. You go to a restaurant and you have a nasty server. Do you let it ruin your whole meal? You are paying for that meal and you should enjoy it. If you don't like your server, you have some choices. You can sit there, feeling worse and worse, you can let it ruin a meal. Or you can chose not to. You can ask for a different server. You can ignore it and be pleasant. You can enjoy yourself. Now, I'll be honest. It's easy to say, not so easy to do. I am one of those who picks up strongly on other people's emotions, attitudes, and words. I let other people ruin my mood, my day, my meal. But, as I said. I am giving them all the power. I am allowing them to dictate my life to me. This, needs, to, stop. I need to reclaim the power of my life and take back my emotions.
You want to have a crappy day? Have at it. You want to be insulting, rude and mean? Feel free. You want to take your anger out on others? Go for it. You will no longer be affecting me by doing that. I am not going to allow you to push your crap on me. You can judge me all you want, but it is my own judgement that matters. You can think what ever you want about me, it is what I think of myself that counts. I am me, for good or bad. I will stand on my own. I will be who and what I want to be. Succeed, fail, it's up to me and my decisions and actions. No one can make me do or say or feel anything that I don't allow them to. I will laugh when I want, cry when I want, even feel down when I want. My emotions are mine, they have value. My life, my choice. I can have it my way. And I don't even have to go to Burger King to do it.
How many of us let others set our view of ourselves? All of us. It's inevitable in some ways. We learn our self-worth from our parents. If our parents start our lives out making us feel worthwhile and valuable, loved and wanted, then it makes it easier to believe later in life. However, even if you don't have that kind of luck, that is no reason that you can't still learn that valuable lesson in life. At some point you have to wake up and realize that your parents were not gods. They do not make the sun rise, and the tides come in. They were just people who had a child. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my parents. But, at some point, I had to stop blaming my parents for everything in my life and take responsibility for who I was. On that same note, I have to realize that everyone in my life is not responsible for how I feel, what I do, and where I go in my life. It's so easy to let others keep you down, make you feel bad, make you feel angry. How easy it is to say "Well, not my fault - blank - said this or did this". Nope, suck it up, you are responsible for you. Much of what I feel, do, and say, is in reaction to others in my life. My kids, my husband, my co-workers, etc. Wow, what a lot of power I am giving away. Now, who hasn't gone into a store, had a crappy cashier who was grumpy and mean. You may leave the store feeling grumpy and angry. But why? Why give them the power to ruin your day. You go to a restaurant and you have a nasty server. Do you let it ruin your whole meal? You are paying for that meal and you should enjoy it. If you don't like your server, you have some choices. You can sit there, feeling worse and worse, you can let it ruin a meal. Or you can chose not to. You can ask for a different server. You can ignore it and be pleasant. You can enjoy yourself. Now, I'll be honest. It's easy to say, not so easy to do. I am one of those who picks up strongly on other people's emotions, attitudes, and words. I let other people ruin my mood, my day, my meal. But, as I said. I am giving them all the power. I am allowing them to dictate my life to me. This, needs, to, stop. I need to reclaim the power of my life and take back my emotions.
You want to have a crappy day? Have at it. You want to be insulting, rude and mean? Feel free. You want to take your anger out on others? Go for it. You will no longer be affecting me by doing that. I am not going to allow you to push your crap on me. You can judge me all you want, but it is my own judgement that matters. You can think what ever you want about me, it is what I think of myself that counts. I am me, for good or bad. I will stand on my own. I will be who and what I want to be. Succeed, fail, it's up to me and my decisions and actions. No one can make me do or say or feel anything that I don't allow them to. I will laugh when I want, cry when I want, even feel down when I want. My emotions are mine, they have value. My life, my choice. I can have it my way. And I don't even have to go to Burger King to do it.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Goal Progress - Me? In a Church?
My spiritual path has been a long and varied one. I have tried many different paths, many different beliefs, many different churches. I have twisted and turned, tried to force myself to believe things that didn't feel true to me. I tried to fit molds that just didn't fit. I memorized bible verses, I sang hymns, I said all the things I was suppose to say. But never felt I fit. Never felt it in my heart. I was always searching, seeking, looking for something to believe in. It was many years ago that I gave up looking for a church that filled any type of need in me. I quietly started looking on my own, finding belief in a variety of places. Now believe me, there are paths out there for everyone. There are those who want the strict scripture taught, there are those who go with the flow, there are those who believe in the Star Wars force, there are some who believe that there is nothing, and on and on. Sometimes I despaired of ever finding a place to fit in. Well, maybe not fit in, but something that I could believe that had a home in my heart. For I have always believed that saying you believe something is nothing if it isn't in your heart. I raised my kids with the belief that faith isn't a church, belief isn't a book, and religion is just instructions on how to do it. You have to find what is true to you, and not only know it, but live it, breath it, have it in your heart every day. Sigh, a tall order when there are no answers. What I mean is, we really, really don't know. After all, that's why they call it "leap of faith". There is a gap there between what you believe and being able to prove it.
I first had to come to grips with that leap. That we won't really know. But, then, there are ways you can know. There are ways like life experience. There are those who have experienced miracles in their lives. There are those who died and came back. There are those who have had many different types of experiences. Well, as I got older and had more experiences, it helped to form my beliefs. Things I knew in my heart more than my head. But still I was seeking answers. I now, after many, many years, have formed my own beliefs. But what about others. Certainly there had to be others out there that believed the same things I did, that had the same questions, that didn't fit the mold. And then, the internet came along, bringing people together. There I found a home, others who felt like I did. I found people who wanted to walk my path along side me and learn and teach. It was a wonderful feeling, to have others to take the journey with me. But, online, as wonderful as it is, is still rather lonely. What about here in my area? What about face to face? As much as I didn't think I missed it, I missed it. I missed that connection. Alas, there were no churches anywhere I lived that seemed to fit.
I was online one day and talking about how hard it is to find a church that fits. So a friend suggested I look at a church called the Unitarian Universalists. Huh? I had never heard of them. It wasn't something that I even had begun to look into. So, off I went online in a search for what exactly it was and what it meant. I found out that in a lot of ways, they were like me. Searching, but also doing. Following a path, but always searching for answers. I found out that they believed in all paths, like me. Anyway, I found a UU church not far from my home. I kept talking about going, telling my family we should go. But it was on the to do list, but not getting done. Sundays are hectic at my house (like any other day isn't?). I am not sure from week to week what is going on. There were two services on Sunday, 9:15 and 11:15. But, with my older son working on Sunday morning, my husband working different times on Sunday, and me playing taxi driver, it seemed like there would be no time to go. But, then, this Sunday, my son was off, my husband didn't have to be in until afternoon and the opportunity presented itself. So, I announced - This Sunday we are going to church. Everyone kind of looked at me like.. huh? I put my foot down. I want to go to this church. So, they all agreed we would go Sunday morning. There, it was done. We were going. Now, for the hard part - waking up in the morning. Mornings suck. I hate getting up in the morning. Coffee, lots of coffee. But, worse than that is rolling out of bed three other people who hate getting up. And getting them ready. And getting them out the door. Jeez, who would have thought that going to church was such hard work. Just give up. Don't go. You don't really need to go to church, do you? What are you going for? You have managed all these years without church. Just give in, give up. Don't go. Go back to bed.
No. A new year, a new me. I want to go, they are going to go. Into the car, on the road. I'm nervous. I always get nervous when I try something new. I always get nervous meeting new people. I get nervous going new places. Get over it. Drive. I was worried about being late - I'm always nervous about being late. To me, being late is punishable by death. We end up being early. But there is a few people there, by the greeting table. Okay, name tags, talking to people, this isn't a bad thing. Be social, you can do it. Now, we went to the 9:15 service, which is smaller, more open, less structured. We find our seats and the service begins. I have a wonderful time. I am moved. I am in tune. I feel.... welcome. Something I have never felt at a church before. Not that the people in other churches weren't nice. Not that they weren't welcoming. I just didn't feel like I was in the right place. This, this is the right place, the right time in my life, the right.... path.
Now, I'm not going to suddenly jump in and join all their groups, start all kinds of projects, and whatever. But, I will go back. I want to go back. I want that feeling of being in the right place at the right time. I want that feeling of being with people, face to face, who are sharing with me their path and learning from mine. I want to go back and feel like I belong to something bigger than me. And, now, I'm on my way.
I first had to come to grips with that leap. That we won't really know. But, then, there are ways you can know. There are ways like life experience. There are those who have experienced miracles in their lives. There are those who died and came back. There are those who have had many different types of experiences. Well, as I got older and had more experiences, it helped to form my beliefs. Things I knew in my heart more than my head. But still I was seeking answers. I now, after many, many years, have formed my own beliefs. But what about others. Certainly there had to be others out there that believed the same things I did, that had the same questions, that didn't fit the mold. And then, the internet came along, bringing people together. There I found a home, others who felt like I did. I found people who wanted to walk my path along side me and learn and teach. It was a wonderful feeling, to have others to take the journey with me. But, online, as wonderful as it is, is still rather lonely. What about here in my area? What about face to face? As much as I didn't think I missed it, I missed it. I missed that connection. Alas, there were no churches anywhere I lived that seemed to fit.
I was online one day and talking about how hard it is to find a church that fits. So a friend suggested I look at a church called the Unitarian Universalists. Huh? I had never heard of them. It wasn't something that I even had begun to look into. So, off I went online in a search for what exactly it was and what it meant. I found out that in a lot of ways, they were like me. Searching, but also doing. Following a path, but always searching for answers. I found out that they believed in all paths, like me. Anyway, I found a UU church not far from my home. I kept talking about going, telling my family we should go. But it was on the to do list, but not getting done. Sundays are hectic at my house (like any other day isn't?). I am not sure from week to week what is going on. There were two services on Sunday, 9:15 and 11:15. But, with my older son working on Sunday morning, my husband working different times on Sunday, and me playing taxi driver, it seemed like there would be no time to go. But, then, this Sunday, my son was off, my husband didn't have to be in until afternoon and the opportunity presented itself. So, I announced - This Sunday we are going to church. Everyone kind of looked at me like.. huh? I put my foot down. I want to go to this church. So, they all agreed we would go Sunday morning. There, it was done. We were going. Now, for the hard part - waking up in the morning. Mornings suck. I hate getting up in the morning. Coffee, lots of coffee. But, worse than that is rolling out of bed three other people who hate getting up. And getting them ready. And getting them out the door. Jeez, who would have thought that going to church was such hard work. Just give up. Don't go. You don't really need to go to church, do you? What are you going for? You have managed all these years without church. Just give in, give up. Don't go. Go back to bed.
No. A new year, a new me. I want to go, they are going to go. Into the car, on the road. I'm nervous. I always get nervous when I try something new. I always get nervous meeting new people. I get nervous going new places. Get over it. Drive. I was worried about being late - I'm always nervous about being late. To me, being late is punishable by death. We end up being early. But there is a few people there, by the greeting table. Okay, name tags, talking to people, this isn't a bad thing. Be social, you can do it. Now, we went to the 9:15 service, which is smaller, more open, less structured. We find our seats and the service begins. I have a wonderful time. I am moved. I am in tune. I feel.... welcome. Something I have never felt at a church before. Not that the people in other churches weren't nice. Not that they weren't welcoming. I just didn't feel like I was in the right place. This, this is the right place, the right time in my life, the right.... path.
Now, I'm not going to suddenly jump in and join all their groups, start all kinds of projects, and whatever. But, I will go back. I want to go back. I want that feeling of being in the right place at the right time. I want that feeling of being with people, face to face, who are sharing with me their path and learning from mine. I want to go back and feel like I belong to something bigger than me. And, now, I'm on my way.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Goal Progress - Can You Hear Me Now!
Communication is key in life, with anyone. You have to communicate from the time you are a baby to let people know what you need. And developing good communication skills isn't easy. People see things differently, hear things differently, think differently. Men and women are very different - it's amazing we ever communicate anything to each other. I really am amazed at how many women are with guys, won't tell them what's going on in their heads, but expect them to be mind readers. But on the other hand, men have a variety of grunts they consider communication which we women are suppose to be able to determine if you are hungry, horny, listening, ignoring us, or simply burping. So, in other words, often like dealing with babies again. Just kidding. But yeah, we definitely have different ways of communicating. And communicating to teenagers, male or female, is like learning a new language. Then there are your co-workers, your boss, people in stores. It never ends. It is amazing we ever get anything done in life just trying to make everyone understand each other.
Now, I am a pretty good communicator. I know many of the tricks of the trade. I know about me statements, positive statements, avoiding accusations, staying focused, thinking before you speak. I actually use to teach women effective communication to help them get jobs. So yeah, I'm on it. But, and this is a big but, it's hard to use it in my own life. I am sometimes amazed at how poorly I can do with it. I struggle with things like telling people how I really feel. Telling people what I want. Telling people what I need. Yeah, so fail. I am also a people pleaser. I will say or do something because I think it will make other people happy - screw what I want. This goes a long way towards building up anger and resentent. Ooooo the two biggies. Anger and Resentment. That's a deal breaker. That will kill any relationship. You let anger and resentment build up enough and all kinds of evils will happen. Heads will roll. And not always fairly. You let enough of it build up and you start letting all kinds of little, bitty, things bother you. You did NOT just look at me. Why are you always BREATHNG!! It's so annoying! Stop it. So yeah, when you are married, it's not always easy. Add to that mix in my life, where you are two ships passing in the night, and communication gets even harder. So, needless to say, but I'm going to say it anyway, when I decided to make all these changes in my life, it would have been nice to include my husband in many of these plans. Maybe asked him what he wanted? Maybe ask him where he wanted to go and do things? Mmmm, nope. Plow ahead and just expect him to get with the program. Or ELSE! Not very fair, is it? Well, that goes back to the point of women and men being very different. Why in the world couldn't he read my mind? Why couldn't he figure out I was done? Why couldn't he see that I was making changes for the better? Well, probably because I didn't talk to him much about it. Now, while I am shocked and amazed that he is not following my blog (isn't the whole world hanging on my every word?) there is not much I have said to him about this. So, where did this lead me? Let me tell you.
My husband and I view the world very differently. My husband is very.. unique. But, I love him and I married him. I took him for better or for worse. So, many of the issues we have, I have known about for a long time, but swallowed them instead of dealing with them. So, the other night, yeah, explosion. I yelled, which is not good, I accused, even worse. I pointed fingers, I laid blame, I used absolutely none of the communication skills I know how to use. I let the anger and resentment build up until I couldn't see straight. But, actually, that explosion acted as a catalyst. I now what I have to do. I have to talk to him. Get us both on the same page. Get us both pulling in the same direction. Heck, I'd settle for the same planet. But I have to do it in a calm, reasonable way. I can't shout it at him at the top of my lungs then march off to work feeling justified and angry. Not fair. So, working on a new project this weekend. Organizing what it is I want to say, how I want to say it and being fair. It's not nice to not play fair. So, we shall see how it goes. And if he doesn't want to play fair, I will take my marbles and go home.
Now, I am a pretty good communicator. I know many of the tricks of the trade. I know about me statements, positive statements, avoiding accusations, staying focused, thinking before you speak. I actually use to teach women effective communication to help them get jobs. So yeah, I'm on it. But, and this is a big but, it's hard to use it in my own life. I am sometimes amazed at how poorly I can do with it. I struggle with things like telling people how I really feel. Telling people what I want. Telling people what I need. Yeah, so fail. I am also a people pleaser. I will say or do something because I think it will make other people happy - screw what I want. This goes a long way towards building up anger and resentent. Ooooo the two biggies. Anger and Resentment. That's a deal breaker. That will kill any relationship. You let anger and resentment build up enough and all kinds of evils will happen. Heads will roll. And not always fairly. You let enough of it build up and you start letting all kinds of little, bitty, things bother you. You did NOT just look at me. Why are you always BREATHNG!! It's so annoying! Stop it. So yeah, when you are married, it's not always easy. Add to that mix in my life, where you are two ships passing in the night, and communication gets even harder. So, needless to say, but I'm going to say it anyway, when I decided to make all these changes in my life, it would have been nice to include my husband in many of these plans. Maybe asked him what he wanted? Maybe ask him where he wanted to go and do things? Mmmm, nope. Plow ahead and just expect him to get with the program. Or ELSE! Not very fair, is it? Well, that goes back to the point of women and men being very different. Why in the world couldn't he read my mind? Why couldn't he figure out I was done? Why couldn't he see that I was making changes for the better? Well, probably because I didn't talk to him much about it. Now, while I am shocked and amazed that he is not following my blog (isn't the whole world hanging on my every word?) there is not much I have said to him about this. So, where did this lead me? Let me tell you.
My husband and I view the world very differently. My husband is very.. unique. But, I love him and I married him. I took him for better or for worse. So, many of the issues we have, I have known about for a long time, but swallowed them instead of dealing with them. So, the other night, yeah, explosion. I yelled, which is not good, I accused, even worse. I pointed fingers, I laid blame, I used absolutely none of the communication skills I know how to use. I let the anger and resentment build up until I couldn't see straight. But, actually, that explosion acted as a catalyst. I now what I have to do. I have to talk to him. Get us both on the same page. Get us both pulling in the same direction. Heck, I'd settle for the same planet. But I have to do it in a calm, reasonable way. I can't shout it at him at the top of my lungs then march off to work feeling justified and angry. Not fair. So, working on a new project this weekend. Organizing what it is I want to say, how I want to say it and being fair. It's not nice to not play fair. So, we shall see how it goes. And if he doesn't want to play fair, I will take my marbles and go home.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Goal Progress - Living With a Hoarder
People collect things. All kinds of people collect all kinds of things. I have had various collections in my life. But, what do you do when you live with someone who won't let anything go, papers, boxes, containers, scraps of cloth, anything. That's what it's like living with my husband. Honestly, the sad but true joke around our house is any time you empty anything, you look at the container and say "I could use that for something". Coffee containers, boxes, bags, shoes, shoe laces, bricks, stones, wood. Now, he is an artist. He has been an artist his whole life. He has a life time of artwork built up. And it's not just drawings. He writes plays, short stories, he has a novel he has worked years and years on. And it has built up. And up. And up. He has an old, old, old, really old word processor. It's broken. But it has several of his plays on it. But it doesn't work. And it's huge and heavy. It's in my closet because he is convinced he is going to find some computer guru who can magically fix it so he can print off those plays. Sigh. He also has clothes that he has had for years and years. For years before he knew me. Which, fine, if they are not in bad shape, keep them. But, he keeps getting new clothes too. So, yeah, piles of clothes. Whew, I would post pictures, but no, not going to. In the beginning, when we moved into our first apartment down south, I said - we are not doing this. We are not going to allow ourselves to be buried alive under our stuff. If it doesn't have a place, it goes. Which started out mildly successful. In fact, as an anniversary gift, my parents bought my husband a desk. It was suppose to be a gift for both of us. It's a big desk, with bookshelves everything. Because, yeah, we have a lot of books. It was suppose to be a place for him to work, so he wouldn't take up the entire dining room table to work. But, you guessed it, it is now buried under a ton of stuff, and he takes up the dining room table. And when that is too full, he has a little portable table that he sets up in front of the couch, which then gets full and doesn't get taken down. Sigh.
Now, I am not a neat freak. I am not even a happy cleaner. But, I like things organized. I like things to have a home. And I like to keep things in their home. I have made several attempts to organize and get rid of things. But, I have met strong resistance. So I did what anyone would do, I gave up. Well, okay, maybe not everyone would give up. But, I did. I gave in to the clutter, the mess, the chaos. I hated it, but I gave into it. I thought, this is it, this is the way it will always be. But, what have I been saying - 2012, A New Year, A New Me. I don't generally allow people to come over to the apartment. I am embarrassed at how it looks. But my best friend has been giving me suggestions and my daughter finally came over and saw the apartment. Their attitude - we can do this. Put your foot down. Start somewhere and start getting rid of things. So, where do I start. Clothes. We need to get rid of clothes. They are everywhere. So, yesterday, after I got off of work, and got our son off to school, I grabbed some trash bags. I started in one spot. I started gathering clothes and going through them. My pile, my son's pile, my husband's pile. I went through my son's clothes, got rid of many of them. I went through my pile. Okay, still need to weed more out. Then, I called my husband in and began battle. You don't wear this. But it's warm. But you don't wear it. But I like it. BUT YOU DON'T WEAR IT!! Into the bag it goes. You would have thought I was asking him to slice is own fingers and toes off to get rid of old t-shirts. Sigh, after about three hours, I have 7 bags of clothing to go out to the thrift store. And more to come.
Another goal - to reclaim my dining room table. When my husband comes home from work, he starts shedding. Now, you have to realize, most people think my husband is homeless. Especially in winter. He wears about 5 layers of clothing. Then he carries a military style backpack crammed full of stuff. Then he carries a couple of shopping bags full of stuff. That is everywhere he goes. To work, to the store, he is like a turtle carrying his stuff with him. So, when he comes home from work, the bags get tossed down, the backpack gets put somewhere, the layers of clothes come off in the middle of the floor, he shoes end up somewhere strange, like the kitchen. But the pockets. The endless, bottomless pockets. He always wears khaki pants, with pockets everywhere. So, once he gets down to the bottom layer he starts emptying his pockets onto the dining room table. Let's see, there his cell phone, his wallet, whole bags of mints, his Chinese exercise balls, loose change, Jimmy Hoffa, stones, random bits of paper, wrappers, a stray cat, some cool thing he found in the parking lot, a couple of knives, his journals, his pens, his ex-girlfriend's best friends right shoe. All onto my table. So, what to do with this mess. Well, I got a box. A decent sized box. And I put everything into it. But, now the box is full. The next day, there's more stuff. But no box. The box is full. So, I said, empty this box or I'm throwing it all away. Didn't even flinch. Still sitting there full. So, what do I do now? Put my foot down. A New Year, A New Me. It is now going to be labeled the 24 hour box. I will put your stuff in it. It will wait 24 hours, if it is not emptied, it will be dumped into the dumpster. You think I'm joking... try me. I AM DONE! I want a clean, uncluttered area that I am proud to call my home. Not a war zone where I am fighting our belongings for space. Onward and Upwards. Tally HO!!!!
Now, I am not a neat freak. I am not even a happy cleaner. But, I like things organized. I like things to have a home. And I like to keep things in their home. I have made several attempts to organize and get rid of things. But, I have met strong resistance. So I did what anyone would do, I gave up. Well, okay, maybe not everyone would give up. But, I did. I gave in to the clutter, the mess, the chaos. I hated it, but I gave into it. I thought, this is it, this is the way it will always be. But, what have I been saying - 2012, A New Year, A New Me. I don't generally allow people to come over to the apartment. I am embarrassed at how it looks. But my best friend has been giving me suggestions and my daughter finally came over and saw the apartment. Their attitude - we can do this. Put your foot down. Start somewhere and start getting rid of things. So, where do I start. Clothes. We need to get rid of clothes. They are everywhere. So, yesterday, after I got off of work, and got our son off to school, I grabbed some trash bags. I started in one spot. I started gathering clothes and going through them. My pile, my son's pile, my husband's pile. I went through my son's clothes, got rid of many of them. I went through my pile. Okay, still need to weed more out. Then, I called my husband in and began battle. You don't wear this. But it's warm. But you don't wear it. But I like it. BUT YOU DON'T WEAR IT!! Into the bag it goes. You would have thought I was asking him to slice is own fingers and toes off to get rid of old t-shirts. Sigh, after about three hours, I have 7 bags of clothing to go out to the thrift store. And more to come.
Another goal - to reclaim my dining room table. When my husband comes home from work, he starts shedding. Now, you have to realize, most people think my husband is homeless. Especially in winter. He wears about 5 layers of clothing. Then he carries a military style backpack crammed full of stuff. Then he carries a couple of shopping bags full of stuff. That is everywhere he goes. To work, to the store, he is like a turtle carrying his stuff with him. So, when he comes home from work, the bags get tossed down, the backpack gets put somewhere, the layers of clothes come off in the middle of the floor, he shoes end up somewhere strange, like the kitchen. But the pockets. The endless, bottomless pockets. He always wears khaki pants, with pockets everywhere. So, once he gets down to the bottom layer he starts emptying his pockets onto the dining room table. Let's see, there his cell phone, his wallet, whole bags of mints, his Chinese exercise balls, loose change, Jimmy Hoffa, stones, random bits of paper, wrappers, a stray cat, some cool thing he found in the parking lot, a couple of knives, his journals, his pens, his ex-girlfriend's best friends right shoe. All onto my table. So, what to do with this mess. Well, I got a box. A decent sized box. And I put everything into it. But, now the box is full. The next day, there's more stuff. But no box. The box is full. So, I said, empty this box or I'm throwing it all away. Didn't even flinch. Still sitting there full. So, what do I do now? Put my foot down. A New Year, A New Me. It is now going to be labeled the 24 hour box. I will put your stuff in it. It will wait 24 hours, if it is not emptied, it will be dumped into the dumpster. You think I'm joking... try me. I AM DONE! I want a clean, uncluttered area that I am proud to call my home. Not a war zone where I am fighting our belongings for space. Onward and Upwards. Tally HO!!!!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Goal Progress - Loving and Letting Go
Caring about people is very important. It is important to have people in your life that you love. And I have a very loving heart. I often times care more than I should maybe. I have mentioned in other posts about letting go of people who pull me down. Getting rid of people who drain me and give nothing back. But, also as I have been saying in other posts, saying is not the same as doing. Breaking old habits is hard. But, with some help from my best friend, today, I took an important step. A hard one, but one that needed to be taken. Today, I took a stand and said no. I stood my ground. I changed a behavior. And it was very, very hard. But, I feel both good and sad about it. But, then, let me explain.
I have a person I have been friends with for a long time. He has many problems, one of which is drinking. I have been there for him. I have held his hand, I have cried with him, I have also enabled him. I have seen him through the good times and the bad. I have helped him get sober, oh so many times, only to see him fall back off the wagon. I have listened to him talk for hours. I have tried and tried to give him the help he needed, encouraged him to get help from other places, given time, patience, love, and anything else he needed. When he would call in trouble, I would be there. When he would fall down, I would pick him back up. Well, you get the point. Anyway. So, I was always careful about certain things - my kids never saw him drunk. I never took my kids to his place. I never let him interfere with my children's lives. But, on the other hand, I did let him interfere with my marriage in some ways. There were many nights that my husband walked in the door from work, I would kiss him and run out the door to help this friend. There were many nights when we were both off, that I spent over at this friend's apartment trying to help. It took away from my marriage. So, when it got overwhelming, I finally had to step back. But, slowly, I let this friend back. But he was sober and doing well. I was proud of him. I was happy for him. I enjoyed talking with him again. Until today. Today, he called me. He was drunk. He was driving around. He wanted me to help him. I told him to find a motel, get a room, and when my husband came home I would come see him. He texted me, and called me, to make sure I would still come see him. I would. But, before my husband came home, my best friend came over. I told her what was going on. She pointed out that this was the same behavior I always did. I always ran when people called me. Nothing I could do for him would help him. He needs to stand on his own. He needs to get help. I can't help him. All I can do is enable him to stay the same. And by reacting the same way, I am staying the same too. I am allowing him to drain me.
So, I did it. I told him I wouldn't come. Even though he tried to make me feel guilty, to manipulate me, to pull me back in, I stood my ground. I didn't go. I told him that I wasn't going down that hole with him again. That I loved him, I would be there for him - but not to call me until he was sober. I would not do this any more. I do not need people in my life to drag me down. I need people who will lift me up. And while this may not seem like a big deal, it is. To me, it was a really, really hard, and important step. I stopped a behavior that is almost ingrained in me. And from here, there is nowhere to go but up. I accepted that I can still care - and still let go.
I have a person I have been friends with for a long time. He has many problems, one of which is drinking. I have been there for him. I have held his hand, I have cried with him, I have also enabled him. I have seen him through the good times and the bad. I have helped him get sober, oh so many times, only to see him fall back off the wagon. I have listened to him talk for hours. I have tried and tried to give him the help he needed, encouraged him to get help from other places, given time, patience, love, and anything else he needed. When he would call in trouble, I would be there. When he would fall down, I would pick him back up. Well, you get the point. Anyway. So, I was always careful about certain things - my kids never saw him drunk. I never took my kids to his place. I never let him interfere with my children's lives. But, on the other hand, I did let him interfere with my marriage in some ways. There were many nights that my husband walked in the door from work, I would kiss him and run out the door to help this friend. There were many nights when we were both off, that I spent over at this friend's apartment trying to help. It took away from my marriage. So, when it got overwhelming, I finally had to step back. But, slowly, I let this friend back. But he was sober and doing well. I was proud of him. I was happy for him. I enjoyed talking with him again. Until today. Today, he called me. He was drunk. He was driving around. He wanted me to help him. I told him to find a motel, get a room, and when my husband came home I would come see him. He texted me, and called me, to make sure I would still come see him. I would. But, before my husband came home, my best friend came over. I told her what was going on. She pointed out that this was the same behavior I always did. I always ran when people called me. Nothing I could do for him would help him. He needs to stand on his own. He needs to get help. I can't help him. All I can do is enable him to stay the same. And by reacting the same way, I am staying the same too. I am allowing him to drain me.
So, I did it. I told him I wouldn't come. Even though he tried to make me feel guilty, to manipulate me, to pull me back in, I stood my ground. I didn't go. I told him that I wasn't going down that hole with him again. That I loved him, I would be there for him - but not to call me until he was sober. I would not do this any more. I do not need people in my life to drag me down. I need people who will lift me up. And while this may not seem like a big deal, it is. To me, it was a really, really hard, and important step. I stopped a behavior that is almost ingrained in me. And from here, there is nowhere to go but up. I accepted that I can still care - and still let go.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Challenges - Balance and Priorities
So, claiming this is a new year and a new me is a lofty goal for anyone. Setting up a huge list of goals is great too. And I have posted here about how everything I do is affecting those around me. It would be easier if it were just me and I was changing just my life. But, having a child and a husband living with me, and an older child who is with us every weekend makes it all that much more challenging. Things have to be done, needs have to be met, things change. I would like to be more selfish, to take more of what I need, to do more of what I want to do. But, that has to balance out somehow with the needs of my family. Especially my kids. To me, there is really not such a thing as quality time, as much as quality AND quantity time. Kids need you. You have to be there. Especially when they are younger. And with a younger son who has some special needs, there is no such thing as putting off what needs done. So, when they need me, they need me. Some things can't be avoided. So, what do you do when there are so many things that can't be avoided? What happens when your life is so full of things that NEED to be done, there is little left for what you want to get done.
Then, there are other things too. So if you think about it, life is like a series of circles. There is you, then there is your family. Then there is your community. Then there is the country. Then there is the world. I am active with my family. I try to be active in the community. I try to keep up on what's going on in the country. I try to follow what's going on in the world. I worry about my family. I try to help those who need help in our community. I want to see changes in our country. I worry about the state of the world. If we don't try to make changes in the world outside our own little circle, things will only get worse. But, when you are struggling to do things just for yourself, and then your family, what is left over. For anyone who looked at my schedule, you will see that it is jam packed. Now, working midnight shift doesn't help. The world operates on the day shift. But, I do a lot on line to try and be active politically, spiritually, socially. But it isn't always easy. There just aren't enough hours in the day or enough of me to go around.
When I look at all these things, I get a bit overwhelmed. When I think of all I am responsible for, it gets a bit intimidating. And then, when I add on there that I want to be more selfish, I feel like somehow I'm dropping the ball elsewhere. It's easy to say to set priorities. But sometimes it all seems to be so important. There doesn't seem to be something that I could just let slide. But, there has to be somethings that I let go. There has to be some things that take a back burner. For most of my life, it has been me that took the back burner. For the most part it has always been me that made the sacrifices. I haven't asked others to give up for me, it was always what I gave up for them. Now, of course, I'm not going to tell my kids to buzz off, it's not their turn. But, there must be some ways to show them that there is some times when they simply need to do for themselves. Or maybe help them to feel included in the things I am doing for me. I also need to look at ways to get my husband to step up to the plate and take some of the responsibility too. That would help a great deal. But everything can't be code red. Everything can't be of the most importance. There has to be a balance. It's finding it that is the challenge.
Then, there are other things too. So if you think about it, life is like a series of circles. There is you, then there is your family. Then there is your community. Then there is the country. Then there is the world. I am active with my family. I try to be active in the community. I try to keep up on what's going on in the country. I try to follow what's going on in the world. I worry about my family. I try to help those who need help in our community. I want to see changes in our country. I worry about the state of the world. If we don't try to make changes in the world outside our own little circle, things will only get worse. But, when you are struggling to do things just for yourself, and then your family, what is left over. For anyone who looked at my schedule, you will see that it is jam packed. Now, working midnight shift doesn't help. The world operates on the day shift. But, I do a lot on line to try and be active politically, spiritually, socially. But it isn't always easy. There just aren't enough hours in the day or enough of me to go around.
When I look at all these things, I get a bit overwhelmed. When I think of all I am responsible for, it gets a bit intimidating. And then, when I add on there that I want to be more selfish, I feel like somehow I'm dropping the ball elsewhere. It's easy to say to set priorities. But sometimes it all seems to be so important. There doesn't seem to be something that I could just let slide. But, there has to be somethings that I let go. There has to be some things that take a back burner. For most of my life, it has been me that took the back burner. For the most part it has always been me that made the sacrifices. I haven't asked others to give up for me, it was always what I gave up for them. Now, of course, I'm not going to tell my kids to buzz off, it's not their turn. But, there must be some ways to show them that there is some times when they simply need to do for themselves. Or maybe help them to feel included in the things I am doing for me. I also need to look at ways to get my husband to step up to the plate and take some of the responsibility too. That would help a great deal. But everything can't be code red. Everything can't be of the most importance. There has to be a balance. It's finding it that is the challenge.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Challenges - Weekend Chaos
There is something to be said for a routine. And in some ways, my life does have a routine. I like to call it a rut. I talked before about staying motivated. But it can really be hard to get out of rut. When something has become so ingrained in your life, and the people in your life, it's really hard to break out of it. I don't know if you have ever ran your car off the edge of the road, but if there is a edge to it, you can't just drift back onto the road, sometimes you have to really jerk the wheel to get off that rut on the side of the road. Since I have started this road to change, I have had far more success during the week than I have on weekends. Now, granted, this past week and weekend were a bit different because my older son, who lives with my parents, had to stay with us while my parents were out of time, which made things more chaotic than usual (if you can imagine). But, it's more than that, it's a combination of changes in plans, not being motivated enough, and the comfort zone of those around me wanting to keep things the same. Which, that kind of complacency can really be a killer.
You can convince yourself anything is acceptable if you have lived with it long enough. People who are in abusive situations do this all the time - they think this is normal, acceptable, and almost that they deserve it in some cases. Now, I am not in an abusive situation. At all. But, I am unhappy with the way things are in my life. My life as it is, isn't healthy, happy, balanced, or good. Yet, sometimes it is so easy to convince myself that' it's not that bad. Because sometimes it is much easier to make excuses and not work for change than it is to realize how bad things are and bust your ass to change them. So, as my weekend spiraled out of control with a blend of running everywhere, dealing with issues, lack of sleep, and just letting things slide, I kind of sat back and said, well, maybe I'm not meant to change. Maybe this is my lot in life. Maybe things are meant to be this way. But, after the weekend was over, I came here to work tonight and started thinking about it. I was like NO! This isn't how life is suppose to be. This isn't how it's going to stay. I DO need to make changes. I DO need to stick to my guns and fight for the things I want and need in my life. So, sigh, I didn't do what I needed to do this weekend. I didn't stick to my guns. Instead I allowed the chaos to swallow me up again. But, I will start over. Tomorrow is a new day, a new chance to change. Maybe I need to go and rework my weekend schedule. Maybe I am still trying to cram pack too many things into my time. I know that constantly expecting too much of yourself is just setting yourself up for failure. And constantly failing creates a situation where you never want to try because you feel like you can't succeed. Baby steps. That's what it takes... baby steps. With rewards for every success you do have. Today, I am going to succeed in something. Anything on my list. And, get some sleep.
You can convince yourself anything is acceptable if you have lived with it long enough. People who are in abusive situations do this all the time - they think this is normal, acceptable, and almost that they deserve it in some cases. Now, I am not in an abusive situation. At all. But, I am unhappy with the way things are in my life. My life as it is, isn't healthy, happy, balanced, or good. Yet, sometimes it is so easy to convince myself that' it's not that bad. Because sometimes it is much easier to make excuses and not work for change than it is to realize how bad things are and bust your ass to change them. So, as my weekend spiraled out of control with a blend of running everywhere, dealing with issues, lack of sleep, and just letting things slide, I kind of sat back and said, well, maybe I'm not meant to change. Maybe this is my lot in life. Maybe things are meant to be this way. But, after the weekend was over, I came here to work tonight and started thinking about it. I was like NO! This isn't how life is suppose to be. This isn't how it's going to stay. I DO need to make changes. I DO need to stick to my guns and fight for the things I want and need in my life. So, sigh, I didn't do what I needed to do this weekend. I didn't stick to my guns. Instead I allowed the chaos to swallow me up again. But, I will start over. Tomorrow is a new day, a new chance to change. Maybe I need to go and rework my weekend schedule. Maybe I am still trying to cram pack too many things into my time. I know that constantly expecting too much of yourself is just setting yourself up for failure. And constantly failing creates a situation where you never want to try because you feel like you can't succeed. Baby steps. That's what it takes... baby steps. With rewards for every success you do have. Today, I am going to succeed in something. Anything on my list. And, get some sleep.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Challenges - Keeping The Faith
So, the best laid plans of Mice and Men. I've got the plan, I've got the goals, I've got the blog, I'm on my way. So, what about actually accomplishing something - carrying through with all these great ideas. They say that half the battle is realizing you have to change. But... after that the work begins. I have to actually do the things I say I am going to do. I have told many people this. I have told couch politicians that if they want to change the world, don't sit on your couch and talk about it. If you want to change your life, you have to get up from the couch and do it. It isn't just going to happen on its own. And boy, making changes is hard. It requires so many things - determination, motivation, a plan, a direction, but most of all WORK. It is so easy to say you want to change your life, it is much harder to actually do something about it.
Add to that, when an idea is new, change is fresh, and it feels good to be on your way. But, you and I both know that after awhile, it becomes more difficult. When you have a long hike ahead of you, you always start out fresh and energized. But, after the first mile, the first hour, the fourth hour, that motivation can get harder and harder to keep up. I came up with this whole idea to make these changes and loved it. I got organized, I made goals, I set up this blog, I made a schedule, I even made some changes. I have made some steps towards the changes I want to make. I've claimed my me time, I have started saying no to things, I have taken baby steps towards change. And to be honest, baby steps are the way to go. It has taken a long time to get to this point, it isn't going to change over night. But who doesn't want to hit the lottery? Who doesn't want the big pay of in Vegas? It is only natural to want a huge result for a little effort. But no, slow and steady wins the race. And let's face it, slow and steady is boring. Slow and steady is hard. It is hard to stay motivated when instant results don't happen. So, sigh, where to we go from here? How do we stay motivated to make the changes? To keep fighting and not give up? Well, here is what I am doing.
First, I have people I love in my life who are encouraging me. I don't know about you, but I love to hear people tell me how proud they are of me. I love to hear people tell me they can see a difference. I am energized by people telling me things like I inspire them. That pushes me to do more, do better, keep going. So, I have people like my daughter behind me keeping me going. And texts from my best friend saying how proud she is of me. My mom telling me she sees a difference. My 15 year old son told me yesterday that he likes the change in me since I have started taking me time. He says I'm happier, in a better mood, and nicer to be around. Awesome sauce. Those are the kinds of changes I like to see. Also, this blog helps. I am really motivated knowing I am going to come here and share the latest achievements. But, fear not, I am also going to post my failures. We learn from those as well. It isn't a mistake if we learn from it. It is a growth opportunity. Also, I have my motivational page here. I am going to keep posting things that inspire and motivate me to keep going. I hope that they help someone else too. So, with that thought in mind - it's time to get off this computer and get busy. So, until next time - I'm off to do instead of talk about it.
Add to that, when an idea is new, change is fresh, and it feels good to be on your way. But, you and I both know that after awhile, it becomes more difficult. When you have a long hike ahead of you, you always start out fresh and energized. But, after the first mile, the first hour, the fourth hour, that motivation can get harder and harder to keep up. I came up with this whole idea to make these changes and loved it. I got organized, I made goals, I set up this blog, I made a schedule, I even made some changes. I have made some steps towards the changes I want to make. I've claimed my me time, I have started saying no to things, I have taken baby steps towards change. And to be honest, baby steps are the way to go. It has taken a long time to get to this point, it isn't going to change over night. But who doesn't want to hit the lottery? Who doesn't want the big pay of in Vegas? It is only natural to want a huge result for a little effort. But no, slow and steady wins the race. And let's face it, slow and steady is boring. Slow and steady is hard. It is hard to stay motivated when instant results don't happen. So, sigh, where to we go from here? How do we stay motivated to make the changes? To keep fighting and not give up? Well, here is what I am doing.
First, I have people I love in my life who are encouraging me. I don't know about you, but I love to hear people tell me how proud they are of me. I love to hear people tell me they can see a difference. I am energized by people telling me things like I inspire them. That pushes me to do more, do better, keep going. So, I have people like my daughter behind me keeping me going. And texts from my best friend saying how proud she is of me. My mom telling me she sees a difference. My 15 year old son told me yesterday that he likes the change in me since I have started taking me time. He says I'm happier, in a better mood, and nicer to be around. Awesome sauce. Those are the kinds of changes I like to see. Also, this blog helps. I am really motivated knowing I am going to come here and share the latest achievements. But, fear not, I am also going to post my failures. We learn from those as well. It isn't a mistake if we learn from it. It is a growth opportunity. Also, I have my motivational page here. I am going to keep posting things that inspire and motivate me to keep going. I hope that they help someone else too. So, with that thought in mind - it's time to get off this computer and get busy. So, until next time - I'm off to do instead of talk about it.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Goal Progress - Users, Losers, and Abusers
I blogged yesterday about the importance of saying no and meaning it. This topic kind of goes along with that. I don't know about you guys, but I have those people in my life who tend to take, take, take. They give nothing back for the most part. Dealing with them leaves you feeling drained, tired, depressed. If they are abusive, they can leave you physically, mentally and emotionally damaged. There are those who do it on purpose, but just as many who don't realize they are doing it at all. There are the needy ones who always need something. There are the drama ones, who always have drama going on. There are the ones who think they are being helpful, but aren't. They find me... in droves. Everywhere I go, the store, the bus, the job, the park. I think sometimes I have a neon sign across my forehead that glares brightly drawing them to me. Online as well. I use to think, before the days of the internet, that it was my face or something. Maybe I looked like the kind of person who would listen, would help. But after I found it happening online, I had to rethink that, since they couldn't see me. But it happens there too. The people who come to me with their problems. The ones who come to me to help them, save them, give to them. Boy, is it exhausting. And often times, getting rid of them is like scraping off leeches. The thing that makes it absolutely worse is, I hate to do it. I know I need to do it, but I hate to do it.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to feel this way - drained, used, tired, trapped. But, on the other hand, I also don't want to hurt people's feelings. I also want to help. Helping people isn't a bad thing. I am very close to finishing my degree as a psychologist. So obviously I want to help people. But, and here is the catch, there has to be limits. There has to be boundaries. There has to be some kind of line drawn. And there has to be different levels. You can't allow people like this to invade every aspect of your life. So, my goal. I have decided that I need to look at the people in my life, online and off. I need to determine who in my life helps me, energizes me, lifts me up. Who do I have an honest give and take with. Who cares about me for real. Those are the people we need in our lives. These are the people who are going to help me achieve my goals. And those who don't need to go. Those who do nothing but take up my time, energy, and resources need to go.
I have just as much trouble getting these people out of my life as I do saying no to people, because to be honest, these two things kind of go hand in hand. If I can't say no to them, they will continue to do the same thing they have always done - drain me. So how do I get rid of them? I'm glad you asked me that question. First, be unavailable. I won't take the phone calls. I won't go to those sites. I won't have my chat turned on. I won't offer to help. I will bite my tongue when I get the urge to offer to help. Now, some instances, that isn't possible. Such as at work. Working the front desk of a hotel is much like being a bartender. Especially at night. People who can't sleep think I am there for them to talk to all night. And when they roll in drunk after the bars close, think I am there to entertain them. So, how do I deal with that? Again, be unavailable. Simply tell them that I have work to do and go into the back office until they are gone. On the phone at work, they do the same thing - they call to ask a few questions, and end up taking up an hour. So, how do you get them off the phone? Call the hotel from my cell. Or put my foot down and cut them off. Now, there are those who will not be so easy. There are those who are closer. Family members, or close friends. Now don't worry if you know me personally - I'm not talking about cutting off my best friends and becoming a recluse. But, there are some people in my life that I have been allowing to use me for many, many years. And maybe it's time to take back my life from these people who want to take it from me.
So, take the drama, take the problems, take the 3am calls, take the endless moaning, complaining, yet doing nothing to change it far away from me. Keep your constant issues, keep your never ending requests. I am going to have my degree soon - if you want a psychologist to listen to your problems - I will post my rates. I charge by the hour.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to feel this way - drained, used, tired, trapped. But, on the other hand, I also don't want to hurt people's feelings. I also want to help. Helping people isn't a bad thing. I am very close to finishing my degree as a psychologist. So obviously I want to help people. But, and here is the catch, there has to be limits. There has to be boundaries. There has to be some kind of line drawn. And there has to be different levels. You can't allow people like this to invade every aspect of your life. So, my goal. I have decided that I need to look at the people in my life, online and off. I need to determine who in my life helps me, energizes me, lifts me up. Who do I have an honest give and take with. Who cares about me for real. Those are the people we need in our lives. These are the people who are going to help me achieve my goals. And those who don't need to go. Those who do nothing but take up my time, energy, and resources need to go.
I have just as much trouble getting these people out of my life as I do saying no to people, because to be honest, these two things kind of go hand in hand. If I can't say no to them, they will continue to do the same thing they have always done - drain me. So how do I get rid of them? I'm glad you asked me that question. First, be unavailable. I won't take the phone calls. I won't go to those sites. I won't have my chat turned on. I won't offer to help. I will bite my tongue when I get the urge to offer to help. Now, some instances, that isn't possible. Such as at work. Working the front desk of a hotel is much like being a bartender. Especially at night. People who can't sleep think I am there for them to talk to all night. And when they roll in drunk after the bars close, think I am there to entertain them. So, how do I deal with that? Again, be unavailable. Simply tell them that I have work to do and go into the back office until they are gone. On the phone at work, they do the same thing - they call to ask a few questions, and end up taking up an hour. So, how do you get them off the phone? Call the hotel from my cell. Or put my foot down and cut them off. Now, there are those who will not be so easy. There are those who are closer. Family members, or close friends. Now don't worry if you know me personally - I'm not talking about cutting off my best friends and becoming a recluse. But, there are some people in my life that I have been allowing to use me for many, many years. And maybe it's time to take back my life from these people who want to take it from me.
So, take the drama, take the problems, take the 3am calls, take the endless moaning, complaining, yet doing nothing to change it far away from me. Keep your constant issues, keep your never ending requests. I am going to have my degree soon - if you want a psychologist to listen to your problems - I will post my rates. I charge by the hour.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Challenges - Saying NO, and Meaning It
I will be honest, I have a hard time saying no, to anyone, about most anything. Now, maybe it's not so hard with my 7 year old who wants cookies for breakfast, or my 15 year old who wants some equally ridiculous. But, other than that - yeah, hard time with it. I've always been that way, since I was a kid. I always wanted to do what everyone told me to do. I never wanted to upset anyone. Never wanted to let anyone down. Which can be a very difficult position to put yourself in. Saying yes to everyone often times puts me in a predicament of not enough time, not enough energy, not enough whatever. Be it in person, online, whatever it is. My inability to say no often leads me into situations where people get angry with me because I told them I would do something, and then couldn't do it. Which kind of defeats the purpose of saying yes to keep them from getting mad at me. Soooo, what is the solution to this? Easy, just say no. Um, well, yeah, and mean it.
I recently decided that part of this big change in my life would require me to say no to some people. It would require me to determine what I had time for, what I could accomplish, what my priorities are. Not as easy as I thought it would be. Every time I do say no, if the person pushes, I cave. Or, if I say no, I often go back in my head and start shuffling projects, shifting schedules, rethinking time tables. And so I end up figuring out a way to do it anyway because I feel BAD for saying no to someone. Where does this come from?? Why do I feel so bad saying no? Is it that same dark place that makes me feel guilty for wanting to take time for myself? I don't know, but wherever it comes from, it needs to go back there. Or better yet, move out. Same with the guilt - there is no place in my life for all this guilt. Pack your bags and head out of town. So, a good decision. Now, how to do it.
Well, this being a building process of change, yesterday I posted about how I made a schedule of every half hour of every day. It was pretty jam packed with stuff. But, there is some room for flexibility. And, there are a lot of things I can do at night when I am at work. My job, while rough in the hours I work, is a pretty easy job. So, the online things I do are often times done at work. But.. there is also a limit to that. I have found myself rushing through things online trying to get them all done, just like I do in life. But, I can look at each thing and determine its value to me. Is it something important to me? Is it something I enjoy doing? Is it something that is making a difference? Priorities are important. And learning to define the difference between needs and wants is important too.
So, the best answer I can come up with is to ask a simple question of myself.. What will happen if I don't do this? Will the world end? Will catastrophe occur? Will someone die? There will probably not be any deaths if I do not try the latest Facebook game someone wants me to join. The world economy will probably not crash if I don't go shopping with a friend. I seriously doubt that the world will end if I don't take this phone call. So, this question is going to become my best friend until I learn how to say no and mean it. Every time I start to falter and think maybe I can do this, after I have decided I can't - I will ask myself this. And unless it is something that is really a matter of life and death... I will probably be able to stand my ground on it. Maybe? Wish me luck.
I recently decided that part of this big change in my life would require me to say no to some people. It would require me to determine what I had time for, what I could accomplish, what my priorities are. Not as easy as I thought it would be. Every time I do say no, if the person pushes, I cave. Or, if I say no, I often go back in my head and start shuffling projects, shifting schedules, rethinking time tables. And so I end up figuring out a way to do it anyway because I feel BAD for saying no to someone. Where does this come from?? Why do I feel so bad saying no? Is it that same dark place that makes me feel guilty for wanting to take time for myself? I don't know, but wherever it comes from, it needs to go back there. Or better yet, move out. Same with the guilt - there is no place in my life for all this guilt. Pack your bags and head out of town. So, a good decision. Now, how to do it.
Well, this being a building process of change, yesterday I posted about how I made a schedule of every half hour of every day. It was pretty jam packed with stuff. But, there is some room for flexibility. And, there are a lot of things I can do at night when I am at work. My job, while rough in the hours I work, is a pretty easy job. So, the online things I do are often times done at work. But.. there is also a limit to that. I have found myself rushing through things online trying to get them all done, just like I do in life. But, I can look at each thing and determine its value to me. Is it something important to me? Is it something I enjoy doing? Is it something that is making a difference? Priorities are important. And learning to define the difference between needs and wants is important too.
So, the best answer I can come up with is to ask a simple question of myself.. What will happen if I don't do this? Will the world end? Will catastrophe occur? Will someone die? There will probably not be any deaths if I do not try the latest Facebook game someone wants me to join. The world economy will probably not crash if I don't go shopping with a friend. I seriously doubt that the world will end if I don't take this phone call. So, this question is going to become my best friend until I learn how to say no and mean it. Every time I start to falter and think maybe I can do this, after I have decided I can't - I will ask myself this. And unless it is something that is really a matter of life and death... I will probably be able to stand my ground on it. Maybe? Wish me luck.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Goal Progress - Getting Organized
So, getting organized is a big thing for me. Chaos can be fun, and change is good. But not being able to find your shoes because of the mess is not fun. Just like running around like a chicken with my head cut off is not fun. Not knowing whether I'm coming or going is stressful. So, a big part of being able to accomplish the goals I've set for myself is going to be staying on track and knowing when I should be doing what. This past weekend was a good example of that. With all that is going on in my life, this weekend was no different. I was running here, doing this, doing that. But basically it meant spinning my wheels, not accomplishing what I wanted. And it left me tired and stressed. And I didn't get my "Me Time" because I was just out of time for it. So, hmm, the first change I made was making me time, but I can't have me time if there is no time left. So, what to do about it.
Well, when I first started college a million years ago, they made me take a couple of little one credit classes to help me adjust to college life. One of those little classes was Time Management. It was one class only, for a couple of hours. But it held a wealth of information. How to prioritize, how to organize, how to let go of things, how to manage. And the task for the class was to fill in a schedule. She handed out these forms, filled in with the hours of the day, little blocks of time, and she handed out highlighters in three different colors. She wanted us to fill in our activities for the day, then color code them according to importance. Well, that was nifty. Although, being me, I had to tape two of them together to make enough hours in a day for all I did. And, to be honest, I highlighted way too many things as a high priority. When she came around and looked at mine, she told me I missed the point of the class - that I wasn't letting enough go. That I was not delegating. That I had to make some adjustments. Even back then I tried to cram too much into every day. But.. and here was the kicker. I agreed with her and asked her to look at it with me and tell me where I could make changes. I was a single mom, working full time, raising my daughter on my own and now going to school. She looked at it, turned her head this way and that, hemmed and hawed for awhile and then shook her head and walked to the front of the class. She told me to work on it and called an end to the class. So, even back then, my life was packed full. Sigh. But, even though I didn't find an answer back then for how to accomplish it all, the class did help me and taught me some good things about time management.
So I decided to apply those things now. But, the nifty thing is, I don't have to draw it all on paper and highlight it and scribble. I have something cooler now - Excel. I love spreadsheets. They are so clean, easy, and adaptable. So, I made a spreadsheet with all the hours of the day in half hour increments. Since some days I am on midnight shift, and some nights I am home, I had to have a 24 hour schedule. Besides, if I cut any hours out of that 24 hours, it wouldn't all fit - and I couldn't tape two computer screens together like I could the two sheets of paper. So anyway. There I had it, my entire week in half hour increments. Now to fill it in and make it work. Hmm, work hours set. School hours for kids, set. Bed times, set. Bath time, set. Wake up time for weekdays, set. Some things never change. Then, a little trickier. Dinner time, pretty much set. Clean up time, right after dinner. Five days a week, bed time pretty much set, or at least I hope so. Some days, more sleep than others, but hey, at least there are squares there FOR sleep. Hm, okay, weekends off, so a little more flexible. But still have kids and things to do. Set. Me Time - okay, squeezed in. But set. Okay, fit in some play time with the kids. Squeeze in some extra time for errands. Getting tight. Hmm, travel time... can I teleport yet? Okay, set. That leaves some time on weekends for housework, set. Should I actually take it step further and schedule in nights to have sex with my husband? Hmm, maybe I'll leave that up to chance. Okay, sit back and look at allllll the full blocks of time. Wait. What's that. An EMPTY SQUARE??? How did that happen. You mean I have a half an hour free? A whole half an hour? Jeez, what am I going to do with all that free time. Knowing me - I'll probably take a nap.
This may not work for everyone, but it works for me. I feel better knowing that I've got an action plan. I feel like I accomplished something just by sorting it all out and having it there to look at when I wonder if I'm suppose to be awake or asleep. Or both at the same time. Which I only think happens once a week. But hey, everyone has those times... right?
Well, when I first started college a million years ago, they made me take a couple of little one credit classes to help me adjust to college life. One of those little classes was Time Management. It was one class only, for a couple of hours. But it held a wealth of information. How to prioritize, how to organize, how to let go of things, how to manage. And the task for the class was to fill in a schedule. She handed out these forms, filled in with the hours of the day, little blocks of time, and she handed out highlighters in three different colors. She wanted us to fill in our activities for the day, then color code them according to importance. Well, that was nifty. Although, being me, I had to tape two of them together to make enough hours in a day for all I did. And, to be honest, I highlighted way too many things as a high priority. When she came around and looked at mine, she told me I missed the point of the class - that I wasn't letting enough go. That I was not delegating. That I had to make some adjustments. Even back then I tried to cram too much into every day. But.. and here was the kicker. I agreed with her and asked her to look at it with me and tell me where I could make changes. I was a single mom, working full time, raising my daughter on my own and now going to school. She looked at it, turned her head this way and that, hemmed and hawed for awhile and then shook her head and walked to the front of the class. She told me to work on it and called an end to the class. So, even back then, my life was packed full. Sigh. But, even though I didn't find an answer back then for how to accomplish it all, the class did help me and taught me some good things about time management.
So I decided to apply those things now. But, the nifty thing is, I don't have to draw it all on paper and highlight it and scribble. I have something cooler now - Excel. I love spreadsheets. They are so clean, easy, and adaptable. So, I made a spreadsheet with all the hours of the day in half hour increments. Since some days I am on midnight shift, and some nights I am home, I had to have a 24 hour schedule. Besides, if I cut any hours out of that 24 hours, it wouldn't all fit - and I couldn't tape two computer screens together like I could the two sheets of paper. So anyway. There I had it, my entire week in half hour increments. Now to fill it in and make it work. Hmm, work hours set. School hours for kids, set. Bed times, set. Bath time, set. Wake up time for weekdays, set. Some things never change. Then, a little trickier. Dinner time, pretty much set. Clean up time, right after dinner. Five days a week, bed time pretty much set, or at least I hope so. Some days, more sleep than others, but hey, at least there are squares there FOR sleep. Hm, okay, weekends off, so a little more flexible. But still have kids and things to do. Set. Me Time - okay, squeezed in. But set. Okay, fit in some play time with the kids. Squeeze in some extra time for errands. Getting tight. Hmm, travel time... can I teleport yet? Okay, set. That leaves some time on weekends for housework, set. Should I actually take it step further and schedule in nights to have sex with my husband? Hmm, maybe I'll leave that up to chance. Okay, sit back and look at allllll the full blocks of time. Wait. What's that. An EMPTY SQUARE??? How did that happen. You mean I have a half an hour free? A whole half an hour? Jeez, what am I going to do with all that free time. Knowing me - I'll probably take a nap.
This may not work for everyone, but it works for me. I feel better knowing that I've got an action plan. I feel like I accomplished something just by sorting it all out and having it there to look at when I wonder if I'm suppose to be awake or asleep. Or both at the same time. Which I only think happens once a week. But hey, everyone has those times... right?
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Thoughts - People in my life
I was thinking yesterday as I got through my day that no one is really alone. I mean, there is always someone affecting your life one way or another. Some more than others, some not as much. But I was thinking about how I had realized that nothing was going to change this year unless I made changes in myself and my life. And that is very true. But I also have to consider all the other people in my life. My family, my friends, my co-workers, my boss, the people I deal with everywhere. It's like tons of ripples going outward from me. Everything I do does affect them, just as what they does affects me. Now, I really like the idea that no one can make me feel a certain way, such as people don't "make" you mad. You allow them to make you mad. If you choose not to let them upset you, you are in control of your life. However, being responsible for how you act also means being aware of how what you do affects those around you as well.
When I decided to make changes in my life, I realized that it would affect people - some more than others. Such as my kids, my husband, my parents. I know I can't really change them, but I can change me, which will make changes in them. I hope I am making sense. I guess maybe an example would help. Okay, I have my son who is 7 that lives with me. Every day, I do things the same way pretty much. He knows this, he knows how to react to it. But, as I make changes in how I act and what I do, that is going to change how he does things as well. So, when I make changes to me, I am actually making changes in others as well. Sometimes these can be good changes, sometimes maybe not. There very well may be those who don't like the changes. What do you do with that? I can't not change just to keep others happy. I know a lot of the things I currently do are for others. I often give up things for myself to do things for others. I give up my time, my energy, my things. I am one of those people who have a hard time saying no. So, what happens when I start putting my foot down? What happens when I start saying no to people? Am I going to make them angry? Maybe. Am I going to upset people? Probably. This is probably one of the biggest reasons I fear change. Not so much because it is going to be different - in my book different is good. But I don't like people to be upset with me. I don't like people to be angry with me. I have a hard time standing my ground when I say no. But I need to learn how to do it. Instead of doing for others all the time, I need to learn how to say no. And mean it.
So, what about those people in my life who aren't willing to change with me? What about those people who aren't going to accept that I want to do things differently? Well, I guess maybe then it is time to move on. You can still love someone and care about them, and let them go. I don't want to keep people in my life who don't care how unhappy I am simply because it makes their life easier. I don't want to keep people in my life who only want what I can do for them or give them. I want people in my life who love me, want what is best for me, and want to see my grow and change as a person. The ones who can't need to step aside because I may care about them. But I need to do what is best for me.
When I decided to make changes in my life, I realized that it would affect people - some more than others. Such as my kids, my husband, my parents. I know I can't really change them, but I can change me, which will make changes in them. I hope I am making sense. I guess maybe an example would help. Okay, I have my son who is 7 that lives with me. Every day, I do things the same way pretty much. He knows this, he knows how to react to it. But, as I make changes in how I act and what I do, that is going to change how he does things as well. So, when I make changes to me, I am actually making changes in others as well. Sometimes these can be good changes, sometimes maybe not. There very well may be those who don't like the changes. What do you do with that? I can't not change just to keep others happy. I know a lot of the things I currently do are for others. I often give up things for myself to do things for others. I give up my time, my energy, my things. I am one of those people who have a hard time saying no. So, what happens when I start putting my foot down? What happens when I start saying no to people? Am I going to make them angry? Maybe. Am I going to upset people? Probably. This is probably one of the biggest reasons I fear change. Not so much because it is going to be different - in my book different is good. But I don't like people to be upset with me. I don't like people to be angry with me. I have a hard time standing my ground when I say no. But I need to learn how to do it. Instead of doing for others all the time, I need to learn how to say no. And mean it.
So, what about those people in my life who aren't willing to change with me? What about those people who aren't going to accept that I want to do things differently? Well, I guess maybe then it is time to move on. You can still love someone and care about them, and let them go. I don't want to keep people in my life who don't care how unhappy I am simply because it makes their life easier. I don't want to keep people in my life who only want what I can do for them or give them. I want people in my life who love me, want what is best for me, and want to see my grow and change as a person. The ones who can't need to step aside because I may care about them. But I need to do what is best for me.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Goal Progress - Juggling Time
So, if you read my introduction, you know I work midnight shift. Which, with a family makes things tricky. I'm off every Friday and Saturday nights. These are the only two nights I'm home in bed with my husband. But, then I have my 7 year old who lives with us. And, on weekends, I pick up my 15 year old and he spends Friday and Saturday night with us. My husband also works. He works evenings or mids most of the time. So, picture this. Monday and Tuesday mornings, I come home, get my 7 year old ready for school. Go to bed around 9 or 9:30am. Then have to be back up at 3:30pm to get son off bus because husband is at work. We do snack, play, dinner, homework, bath, bed. Then it's a bit of time and I have to go to work. Wednesdays and Thursdays are a bit better - my husband is off those days. But, sometimes we do things in the morning, sometimes I go to bed in the morning. Sometimes I get up and cook dinner, sometimes he does dinner. But, even if I am in bed asleep, I am dealing with a small apartment, where husband and son are talking, playing, yelling, fighting. So, even asleep, I'm hearing it. So, I get up Thursday evenings at some point. Then I work Thursday night. Get home Friday morning, try to find time to take a nap - sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. But, regardless, I have to be there at 3:30pm to get one son off the bus. Then zip across town, pick up other son. Then zip home, cook dinner, possibly pick up husband at work. About now I've usually been up around 24 hours, with maybe a small nap thrown in. Get one son to bed and to sleep so that I can put other son to bed in same room. Older son needs to be up for work in the morning at about 6:30am, so I need to be up about 6:00am. Get up early in morning, get one son to work, come home, other son gets up, take care of him. Pick up son from work, try to get housework done, cook, entertain two boys, and enjoy time with them. Saturday, same thing, put one to bed, try to get him to sleep, so other son can go to bed for work in the morning. Get up at 6:00am again, take son to work, get other son taken care of. Pick up son from work. But then, there is a curve ball. On Sundays, the boys bowl in a league. So, rush home, pack up older son's things, take them to bowling. Take older son home, take younger son to our place, cook him dinner, give him a bath, get him ready for school the next day, put him to bed. Then, if I'm lucky, I can try to catch a nap before working all night. And then, my week starts alllllll over again.
Now, throw into this mix the fact that the world operates on a daylight schedule. So, often times I have to get up early, or go to bed late to take care of things. Also, people are awake then, so they call, they come over, my husband wakes me up for things, my kids need me, etc. School functions, doctor appointments, shopping, holidays, kid's days off from school. All of this equals to a insane sleeping schedule that my body never adjusts to because it's always changing. I think you may be getting a picture that I don't get much sleep on a regular basis. You would be right. Look up sometime what sleep deprivation can do to you. Achy joints, headaches, upset stomach, poor health, inability to focus, hallucinations, sleep walking, insomnia. Yup, 6 years I've been doing this.
So - is it no wonder I have decided enough is enough. So, I had decided on my goals, and the first one I was starting with is Me Time. Every day or night. At least one hour. The first few nights were awesome. Worked out great. Put my headphones on, wrote, focused, meditated, felt great. Then the weekend came. Okay, we can do this. Friday night, got the boys to bed, got them to sleep, finished up a few things. Ahhh, me time. Heck it's already 11:30pm at night. Sigh, an hour makes it midnight. 6am comes really early if you go to bed at midnight. No, got to do it. It's good for me, got to focus. So, do the Me Time. Feel pretty good, go to bed. Next morning, bleah. Very tired, not ready for the day. But got to get moving. Get through Saturday morning, pick son up from work, get home, have a to do list all ready to go. Want to feel motivated. Want to get a lot done. Want to enjoy the day. Mind ready, body not willing. Got to nap. So, I decided an hour nap should refresh me. One boy in his room playing, other on his Xbox playing, I lay down and set my phone alarm for an hour. In an hour, it goes off. Noooo not ready. Hit snooze... a lot. Two hour nap later, it's time to cook dinner. Got almost nothing done. Still tired, cranky and kind of upset with myself. Which is how I usually feel with myself when I don't do what I want to do. But, get kids dinner, play with kids for awhile. Put one to bed, play Xbox with the other, but he's late getting to bed. Then it's time for me time. But wait, there is hubby, and a few other things to do too. Sigh, okay, now it's Me Time. Crap, it's almost midnight. Scrap it, can't do it. Too tired. Got to be up at 6am. So, off to bed. Up at 6am. Go through my Sunday routine. Get through it all, get one son dropped off, other son fed, pick up husband at work, get son to bed. It's now 8pm. I've been up since 6am. I've got to work all night. Sigh, okay, so which is it... Me Time or nap. Well, nap wins. Can't make it from 6am to 9am the next day without a nap. Sigh.
I know how important this all is. I know how important these changes are. And I honestly DO want to change. But this is the frustration I have faced for so long now. I don't know where to make the changes. I don't see how to get out of this cycle. I feel good taking the Me Time, but I also need to find enough time to sleep. How do I make changes? I'm not sure, but boy do I know they need to be made.
Now, throw into this mix the fact that the world operates on a daylight schedule. So, often times I have to get up early, or go to bed late to take care of things. Also, people are awake then, so they call, they come over, my husband wakes me up for things, my kids need me, etc. School functions, doctor appointments, shopping, holidays, kid's days off from school. All of this equals to a insane sleeping schedule that my body never adjusts to because it's always changing. I think you may be getting a picture that I don't get much sleep on a regular basis. You would be right. Look up sometime what sleep deprivation can do to you. Achy joints, headaches, upset stomach, poor health, inability to focus, hallucinations, sleep walking, insomnia. Yup, 6 years I've been doing this.
So - is it no wonder I have decided enough is enough. So, I had decided on my goals, and the first one I was starting with is Me Time. Every day or night. At least one hour. The first few nights were awesome. Worked out great. Put my headphones on, wrote, focused, meditated, felt great. Then the weekend came. Okay, we can do this. Friday night, got the boys to bed, got them to sleep, finished up a few things. Ahhh, me time. Heck it's already 11:30pm at night. Sigh, an hour makes it midnight. 6am comes really early if you go to bed at midnight. No, got to do it. It's good for me, got to focus. So, do the Me Time. Feel pretty good, go to bed. Next morning, bleah. Very tired, not ready for the day. But got to get moving. Get through Saturday morning, pick son up from work, get home, have a to do list all ready to go. Want to feel motivated. Want to get a lot done. Want to enjoy the day. Mind ready, body not willing. Got to nap. So, I decided an hour nap should refresh me. One boy in his room playing, other on his Xbox playing, I lay down and set my phone alarm for an hour. In an hour, it goes off. Noooo not ready. Hit snooze... a lot. Two hour nap later, it's time to cook dinner. Got almost nothing done. Still tired, cranky and kind of upset with myself. Which is how I usually feel with myself when I don't do what I want to do. But, get kids dinner, play with kids for awhile. Put one to bed, play Xbox with the other, but he's late getting to bed. Then it's time for me time. But wait, there is hubby, and a few other things to do too. Sigh, okay, now it's Me Time. Crap, it's almost midnight. Scrap it, can't do it. Too tired. Got to be up at 6am. So, off to bed. Up at 6am. Go through my Sunday routine. Get through it all, get one son dropped off, other son fed, pick up husband at work, get son to bed. It's now 8pm. I've been up since 6am. I've got to work all night. Sigh, okay, so which is it... Me Time or nap. Well, nap wins. Can't make it from 6am to 9am the next day without a nap. Sigh.
I know how important this all is. I know how important these changes are. And I honestly DO want to change. But this is the frustration I have faced for so long now. I don't know where to make the changes. I don't see how to get out of this cycle. I feel good taking the Me Time, but I also need to find enough time to sleep. How do I make changes? I'm not sure, but boy do I know they need to be made.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Goal - Focus on Me
One of the most important goals I think I set was to focus more on me. I have always been the type of person to focus on others. I am a very giving, helpful person. From my husband, to my kids, to my family, to friends, to even strangers, I tend to put everyone before myself. I have a very hard time saying no and meaning it. I have a hard time cutting off people who use me. The thought of taking time for myself to focus on me invoked feelings of guilt. I almost wanted to apologize for wanting it. But then, I realized what so many people have been telling me most of my life - if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else. Well, my batteries are drained. My giving is giving out. I need to follow that advice and recharge on a regular basis. I need to do this for me, but I also need to do it for everyone else. So, here are the first steps I am taking to learn how to focus on myself.
- make sure I meditate and write every night
- don't ask, demand me time
- don't feel guilty for taking time for me
- don't allow other things to get in the way
- stay focused and don't be distracted by other things
during this time
- write every day, even if it is just rambling
- figure out what it is that is going to move me in the
directions I wan to go
- don't allow others to manipulate me and make me feel guilty
- stay grounded and centered
- practice grounding and shielding
- don't always say yes to everyone
- when you say no, mean it. Don't go back and do it anyway
- don't be overwhelmed by other people's problems
- when neccessary, stop and refocus on you
- accept what you can't change and let it go
- be realistic in your daily, weekly, monthly planning
- forgive yourself for your mistakes and move forward
- use each experience as a learning tool
- don't allow others to make you feel bad for your choices
- don't constantly second guess yourself
- don't allow setbacks to stop you
- always keep your goals in mind and keep trying
- reward yourself for goals achieved no matter how small
So these are the first steps I am trying to take in making the changes in my life. So far, in the last two days, I have insisted that one hour is mine every night. Which I have used to write, meditate and focus. And I can already say that it has made a huge difference in how I feel, and how I am acting. So far, so good.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Introduction
Hi and welcome to my new blog. I thought I would start my first post with a little bit about myself and why I am making this blog. I am a 43 year old married woman, with three children. Currently their ages are 23, 15, and 7. My 23 year old daughter recently married and lives about 2 hours away. My 15 year old son lives about 10 minutes away from me with my parents. And my 7 year old son lives with me and my second husband. I am from Pittsburgh, PA. But I live in Williamsburg, VA currently. About 7 years ago, me, my husband, and my 3 children were living up in Pittsburgh. Things were bad, we were living in a bad situation, and needed to get out of it. My parents live in Virginia. They came up and got my two older children. My husband and then baby moved in with his parents in Pittsburgh. I closed up our affairs in Pittsburgh and came down to Virginia because there were jobs waiting for us.
I took a job as a night auditor at a hotel. That required me to work 11pm to 7am. But it was suppose to only be temporary while we figured things out. We looked for and found a small apartment we could afford. My daughter and older son decided to stay with my parents, not far from us. But my husband and younger son were with me. I decided to go back to school online. It was hard working nights, juggling classes, and taking care of my family. But I kept telling myself it was only temporary. I earned my Associates degree in Business. But I wanted my Bachelors in Psychology. I want to be a psychologist. So, I didn't take a break, I kept going. I kept my nose to the grind stone. My husband switched jobs a few times, moving from one thing to another. Finally he settled in at Walmart and has been working there for over a year now. But, I was getting worn out. I was tired, my grades were slipping. So I decided to take a break from school for a bit. Just a bit. My classes ran 5 weeks long, you take them one at a time, so I talked to my counselor about skipping one class for 5 weeks and then returning. She told me that was fine, that she would just sign me up for the next one. What she didn't tell me was that this would take me out of compliance for my grants. They revoked not only the payment for my next class, but took back the payment for my previous two classes. In the end, after much fighting, it came down to I had to pay 3000.00 to them before I could return to classes. I didn't have 3000.00. Still don't. So, no classes. No degree. So, being worn out, tired most of the time, stressed and fighting my bipolar disorder, things got pretty bad. We had several financial setbacks that put us in a very bad situation. Things were not going good for us.
The year 2012 approached. I told myself that this year would be different. I would turn things around, I would have a great year. As midnight approached New Year's Eve, I sat with my older son, thinking about how great it was going to be to say goodbye to the old year and have a great new year. Midnight struck, and within 15 minutes, things started going wrong. I was upset and even more depressed. What was it going to take to change things? What did I have to do to make things better? Then, a real duh moment. One of those moments that you have to laugh out loud at. It wasn't going to be different just because a clock struck midnight. Things weren't suddenly going to change and be better. I had to change. I had to make it change. And I couldn't change anyone else - I could only change me.
So, with that thought in mind, I sat down and thought hard about the changes I wanted to make in my life. The things I wanted to do differently, the things I wanted to accomplish. Then, I shared that with family and friends. I wanted people to know, to see that things were going to be different. So, I have started this blog to help keep me on track with these changes, to help me keep focused on my goals. But I also started this blog for others too. Maybe there is someone else out there who wants to make changes too. Maybe something I say or share will inspire them to make changes too. So, here we go - join me on my new adventure to a new me. Here's to making 2012 a great year!
I took a job as a night auditor at a hotel. That required me to work 11pm to 7am. But it was suppose to only be temporary while we figured things out. We looked for and found a small apartment we could afford. My daughter and older son decided to stay with my parents, not far from us. But my husband and younger son were with me. I decided to go back to school online. It was hard working nights, juggling classes, and taking care of my family. But I kept telling myself it was only temporary. I earned my Associates degree in Business. But I wanted my Bachelors in Psychology. I want to be a psychologist. So, I didn't take a break, I kept going. I kept my nose to the grind stone. My husband switched jobs a few times, moving from one thing to another. Finally he settled in at Walmart and has been working there for over a year now. But, I was getting worn out. I was tired, my grades were slipping. So I decided to take a break from school for a bit. Just a bit. My classes ran 5 weeks long, you take them one at a time, so I talked to my counselor about skipping one class for 5 weeks and then returning. She told me that was fine, that she would just sign me up for the next one. What she didn't tell me was that this would take me out of compliance for my grants. They revoked not only the payment for my next class, but took back the payment for my previous two classes. In the end, after much fighting, it came down to I had to pay 3000.00 to them before I could return to classes. I didn't have 3000.00. Still don't. So, no classes. No degree. So, being worn out, tired most of the time, stressed and fighting my bipolar disorder, things got pretty bad. We had several financial setbacks that put us in a very bad situation. Things were not going good for us.
The year 2012 approached. I told myself that this year would be different. I would turn things around, I would have a great year. As midnight approached New Year's Eve, I sat with my older son, thinking about how great it was going to be to say goodbye to the old year and have a great new year. Midnight struck, and within 15 minutes, things started going wrong. I was upset and even more depressed. What was it going to take to change things? What did I have to do to make things better? Then, a real duh moment. One of those moments that you have to laugh out loud at. It wasn't going to be different just because a clock struck midnight. Things weren't suddenly going to change and be better. I had to change. I had to make it change. And I couldn't change anyone else - I could only change me.
So, with that thought in mind, I sat down and thought hard about the changes I wanted to make in my life. The things I wanted to do differently, the things I wanted to accomplish. Then, I shared that with family and friends. I wanted people to know, to see that things were going to be different. So, I have started this blog to help keep me on track with these changes, to help me keep focused on my goals. But I also started this blog for others too. Maybe there is someone else out there who wants to make changes too. Maybe something I say or share will inspire them to make changes too. So, here we go - join me on my new adventure to a new me. Here's to making 2012 a great year!
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