Goal Progress - Juggling Time

So, if you read my introduction, you know I work midnight shift. Which, with a family makes things tricky. I'm off every Friday and Saturday nights. These are the only two nights I'm home in bed with my husband. But, then I have my 7 year old who lives with us. And, on weekends, I pick up my 15 year old and he spends Friday and Saturday night with us. My husband also works. He works evenings or mids most of the time. So, picture this. Monday and Tuesday mornings, I come home, get my 7 year old ready for school. Go to bed around 9 or 9:30am. Then have to be back up at 3:30pm to get son off bus because husband is at work. We do snack, play, dinner, homework, bath, bed. Then it's a bit of time and I have to go to work. Wednesdays and Thursdays are a bit better - my husband is off those days. But, sometimes we do things in the morning, sometimes I go to bed in the morning. Sometimes I get up and cook dinner, sometimes he does dinner. But, even if I am in bed asleep, I am dealing with a small apartment, where husband and son are talking, playing, yelling, fighting. So, even asleep, I'm hearing it. So, I get up Thursday evenings at some point. Then I work Thursday night. Get home Friday morning, try to find time to take a nap - sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. But, regardless, I have to be there at 3:30pm to get one son off the bus. Then zip across town, pick up other son. Then zip home, cook dinner, possibly pick up husband at work. About now I've usually been up around 24 hours, with maybe a small nap thrown in.  Get one son to bed and to sleep so that I can put other son to bed in same room. Older son needs to be up for work in the morning at about 6:30am, so I need to be up about 6:00am. Get up early in morning, get one son to work, come home, other son gets up, take care of him. Pick up son from work, try to get housework done, cook, entertain two boys, and enjoy time with them. Saturday, same thing, put one to bed, try to get him to sleep, so other son can go to bed for work in the morning. Get up at 6:00am again, take son to work, get other son taken care of. Pick up son from work. But then, there is a curve ball. On Sundays, the boys bowl in a league. So, rush home, pack up older son's things, take them to bowling. Take older son home, take younger son to our place, cook him dinner, give him a bath, get him ready for school the next day, put him to bed. Then, if I'm lucky, I can try to catch a nap before working all night. And then, my week starts alllllll over again.

Now, throw into this mix the fact that the world operates on a daylight schedule. So, often times I have to get up early, or go to bed late to take care of things. Also, people are awake then, so they call, they come over, my husband wakes me up for things, my kids need me, etc. School functions, doctor appointments, shopping, holidays, kid's days off from school. All of this equals to a insane sleeping schedule that my body never adjusts to because it's always changing. I think you may be getting a picture that I don't get much sleep on a regular basis. You would be right. Look up sometime what sleep deprivation can do to you. Achy joints, headaches, upset stomach, poor health, inability to focus, hallucinations, sleep walking, insomnia. Yup, 6 years I've been doing this.

So - is it no wonder I have decided enough is enough. So, I had decided on my goals, and the first one I was starting with is Me Time. Every day or night. At least one hour. The first few nights were awesome. Worked out great. Put my headphones on, wrote, focused, meditated, felt great. Then the weekend came. Okay, we can do this. Friday night, got the boys to bed, got them to sleep, finished up a few things. Ahhh, me time. Heck it's already 11:30pm at night. Sigh, an hour makes it midnight. 6am comes really early if you go to bed at midnight. No, got to do it. It's good for me, got to focus. So, do the Me Time. Feel pretty good, go to bed. Next morning, bleah. Very tired, not ready for the day. But got to get moving. Get through Saturday morning, pick son up from work, get home, have a to do list all ready to go. Want to feel motivated. Want to get a lot done. Want to enjoy the day. Mind ready, body not willing. Got to nap. So, I decided an hour nap should refresh me. One boy in his room playing, other on his Xbox playing, I lay down and set my phone alarm for an hour. In an hour, it goes off. Noooo not ready. Hit snooze... a lot. Two hour nap later, it's time to cook dinner. Got almost nothing done. Still tired, cranky and kind of upset with myself. Which is how I usually feel with myself when I don't do what I want to do. But, get kids dinner, play with kids for awhile. Put one to bed, play Xbox with the other, but he's late getting to bed. Then it's time for me time. But wait, there is hubby, and a few other things to do too. Sigh, okay, now it's Me Time. Crap, it's almost midnight. Scrap it, can't do it. Too tired. Got to be up at 6am. So, off to bed. Up at 6am. Go through my Sunday routine. Get through it all, get one son dropped off, other son fed, pick up husband at work, get son to bed. It's now 8pm. I've been up since 6am. I've got to work all night. Sigh, okay, so which is it... Me Time or nap. Well, nap wins. Can't make it from 6am to 9am the next day without a nap. Sigh.

I know how important this all is. I know how important these changes are. And I honestly DO want to change. But this is the frustration I have faced for so long now. I don't know where to make the changes. I don't see how to get out of this cycle. I feel good taking the Me Time, but I also need to find enough time to sleep. How do I make changes? I'm not sure, but boy do I know they need to be made.