Carpe Diem

Seize the day. Today, make things happen. Today, you can make changes, you can make better choices, you can take first steps, continue on a path, or let go of things. Life doesn't stop or even notice you. It will keep going whether you are ready or not. And sometimes, it moves pretty fast. It's easy to get behind, or feel lost, or even frustrated. But all you can do is let go of it and try to catch the next day. I have been having to do that a lot. Life also sometimes has other plans for you than you were expecting. You want to go in one direction and life pushes you in another direction. You can either let that frustrate you and get angry or you can adjust and move with it. You can listen to the ebb and flow and not fight against it. Sometimes it's telling you that you are not moving fast enough, and sometimes, you are trying to do too much.

Things like lines use to frustrate me. I always look at the lines in stores and try to pick the shortest, or the quickest by assessing what people have in their carts or hands. Inevitably, whatever line I choose will end up with a long delay for one reason or another - a price check, an elderly person who is confused, a person who takes 20 minutes to dig out exact change. My usual reaction use to be to sigh heavily and stand there being frustrated. Why? I'm in a hurry, I've got things to do! And? Why let this ruin my day? Instead, I decided that I could use this time enjoyably. I take a moment to laugh at the insane headlines on the magazine covers. Or I take out my phone and play with my ringtones. Or I talk to my kids about something. Or I call someone to catch up. Same thing goes for traffic. I will consider my routes and try to figure out which way will be the quickest. It will end up being bumper to bumper traffic, or construction, or an accident. I can take that time to glare at other drivers, or beat on my steering wheel in frustration. Why? Instead, I take the time to search for new radio station with cool music. Or if really bad, I always have a book on me that I can read while I sit. Another opportunity to shoot off a text or call. BUT - not while moving! Texting and driving kills! Also another opportunity to play a silly word game, or sing with my son. Teaching him new jokes is always fun too. In other words - you can take a situation like this and allow it to ruin your day - or you can see it as an opportunity to catch your breath, enjoy the moment, and appreciate the little break from rushing.

That's not to say that bad days don't happen. Yesterday - a bad day. My computer got a virus which required several long, grueling scans to clean up. The desk I was trying to assemble was not cooperating, requiring me to go to the hardware store and buy parts, as well as finding tools that were misplaced. Then to learn that the new television required different wires than the ones we had to hook up our various electronics. Sigh. But also, during this time, I was making dinner - which I pulled out and served. Only to find out the BBQ pork ribs, which I thought were done, were raw in the middle. Sigh. So, back into the oven with them, and start rushing around to do things. Only to almost burn them, yanking them out to spill hot pork grease on my feet. Yup, good times. Then, I had a raging headache. The kind that makes it hard to even think. So, I decided, after boys were in bed, chores were done, I would just go to bed. Only to be awoken at 4am by this raging headache. Crawling blindly to the bathroom and choking down something for it, I crawled back into bed praying that it would go away. It did. Bring me to today. A new day. A new chance.

First thing on the agenda - coffee. Must. Have. Coffee. Especially at 6am. Go to make coffee. Fill the pot, start dumping it into the maker, only to learn too late that beloved hubby had at some point started making coffee by filling it with water - but never finishing. So yeah, flooded the whole counter, and floor. Sigh. Clean that up and cursing under my breath. Was this going to be another one of those days? NO! I will not let it ruin my day. Instead, I choose to laugh at it and move forward. Carpe Diem! I will not let silly things ruin it for me. Instead, I will CHOOSE to have a good day, no matter what life chooses to throw at me. Ebb and flow. Realize that my agenda may point me in the direction I want to go, but like a tree, I will bend at the wind, not try to force against it. Make today the best day it can be - one today at a time.

Thoughts - Rejuvenation

We all do it - burn the candle at two ends, take on too much, burn ourselves out. We often forget to stop and recharge our batteries. Or we put it on a low priority. I know my husband and I keep saying, when we get our money straight, we will do this. Or when we have time we will do this. So, a couple of weeks ago, my husband became eligible for his paid vacation at work. I put my foot down. We were going camping. I needed to get away. I needed to recharge. We have gone camping once in six years. Our kids are growing up. Before you know it, they will be grown and gone. Then it will be almost impossible to do things together. Right now, my sons are still younger and at home, and my daughter and her husband live close. That won't last forever. If we wait for the right time, or the money, or "fill in the blank" it will never happen. So, that is that. We are going. End of story.

With the planning, the menu, the shopping, the packing, the figuring out what to do with dog and cat, and the million other things that go into a trip, it was a bit hectic. But, with help from my daughter, and others, we pulled together not only a camping trip - but a visit to the Virginia Renaissance Festival as well before heading home. Another thing we have been putting off. I'd like to say that the weekend was completely stress free - but this is me we are talking about, so - not completely. But, and this is the important thing, there were tons of laughs, tons of relaxing moments, tons of moments of silence to think, with all three of my kids, as well as my newest "son", and my husband together. Arguments ensued such as which works better to start a fire - tepee or box setup. Who would do the dishes. And which direction to take on the path. And there were Abbott and Costello moments where who was where and what are we doing. But those were fun too!

I also got to do the important things - spend time without worrying about what was going on in the real world. Spend time letting the rapids of the river flow over me and wash away the world weary stress. Listen to the sounds of our Mother Earth telling me that it will all be okay. Watching those I love share time together. Bond, heal, rejuvenate. There are tons of things we should do every day to help keep from burning out. Staying grounded and centered, letting go of stress. That kind of thing. But honestly, nothing replaces a get away into nature to remind us of the important things in life - we are one. So, when I came back to the crunch of reality, my first knee jerk reaction was - holy shit - I've got so much to do! I can't believe there is so much going on! But, the better response was to step back and stay grounded. To picture myself back in that river, as it flowed around me. To remember that all things are flowing, all things are changing. This too shall pass and things will get done. Me worrying and stressing about it is not going to change it, help it, or get it done. Instead, bending like the tree in the wind, holding firm with my roots, will help me to get through all the challenges and goals. I will still probably struggle with stressing things, in fact I know I will. But remembering times like the river will also remind me to bend, not break, with the flow of things.

Thoughts - Birthday Thoughts

So today is my 44th birthday. Not a major benchmark in life - but still another year older. Not that I'm a big one for watching my age. Other than those milestones that everyone watches for - 16, 18, 21. I seem to recall having a bit of a moment of panic when I hit 30. That just seemed like a wow moment. I don't recall thinking that I wouldn't make it to 30, but then I also never thought what it would like to be 30 either. 30 seemed so old. Now that I'm in my 40s, it doesn't seem like such a big deal. Age seems to be this thing that kind of creeps up on me and smacks me in the head once in awhile where I go "Wow, am I really that old?"  I don't feel that old. I was talking to my mom the other day and she was telling me she is almost 70. Holy cow - 70. Now that seems old. Isn't it funny. When you are young, 30 seems old. Then 40. And so on. Older seems so much older until you get there. But now, 70 seems old. I guess what it boils down to is I don't feel 44. I don't feel all that different from when I was 30. Or 20 for that matter. Sure, there are more aches and pains. There are times when I feel 100. And other times when I feel (and act) like a kid. So I guess the old saying is true that you are only as old as you think you are.

So, it's the end of May. I've been working on these changes for about 5 months now. You may be asking how it is going so far. And that would be a fair question. It's one that I am thinking about today. How is it going so far? Well, in my opinion - pretty good. There have been some awesome changes. Some small changes. Some setbacks. A whole lot of learning. I've learned about myself, the people in my life, and the people I don't want in my life. I've re-evaluated my goals, sent new ones, and realized that some of the goals weren't as important. It's kind of like an onion, with layers underneath. As I change one thing, it has a chain reaction to it. It affects not only me, but the people around me. Self-realization has abounded these last 5 months. I have come to grips with many things about myself. I have also had a lot of acceptance. I have realized that for a long time I did felt like my life was out of my control. Now I realize that much of it is within my power to change. By grabbing onto the steering wheel, I am no longer letting other people push me all over the road. And if I do run off the road, most often it's my own fault - like it or not. It's hard sometimes to take that responsibility. It is so much easier to say it's not your fault - it's because of your boss, or the other idiot on the road, or something that someone else did. But ultimately it is not anyone's fault but mine.

So, what's the next step, boss? Well, now that you've asked - I'll tell you. I am going to keep both hands firmly on the steering wheel and see where it takes us. My next step is to look at my goals, break them down  into steps (in a cool spreadsheet of course - I love spreadsheets) and more important - I'm giving deadlines. I think I am ready for the pressure of a time line. It's important to learn how to walk before you run. But now that I'm walking, it's time to step it up. Put a little pressure on. By breaking things into manageable steps, and giving each step a deadline, I will feel more incentive. Especially after I post it here for the whole world to see. At least for the 6 people who read my blog anyway. But that's enough - even if no one read this, it would still be enough to have it out there. Sometimes just saying something out loud to yourself is enough to make it more real. So, today - I'm going to enjoy my birthday, relax and do some fun things. Then tomorrow - back to work. So stay tuned, avid readers, for my next blog post - where I break it down and start the timer. For now, I'm going to go blow out the candles.

Thoughts - I Love My Husband

My husband and I just celebrated our 9 year anniversary. When you first get married, I don't think you stop and think - I hope this lasts. Or think - man, this is going to be tough. Now, I did think long and hard about if I really wanted to marry my husband. I had already been married once, and it was not a good marriage. Nor did it end all that well. I had my two kids. I was happy. Did I really want to enter into another marriage? I asked myself - do I want to wake up next to this man every day for the rest of my life. At the time I said yes. And we have had our ups and our downs. We are very different - almost complete opposites in most things. We disagree on foods, books, movies, opinions, hobbies, talents, we aren't even of the same faith. When we agree on something, we usually joke that we should mark it on the calendar.

We have been through a lot in our 9 years. The stresses that hit you in life can be a bit much. And with the stress, even the smallest problems can be amplified. The past six years of working midnight shift, dealing with issues like bills, no money, car problems, kid issues, working opposite shifts, rarely sharing the same bed at the same time, and all the other stresses in life can add up. Then you take the fact that most of the time I'm sleep deprived, grumpy, and doing a million different things. Somewhere along the line - the fact that we rarely saw each other, argued about so many different things, annoyed each other, and were both extremely frustrated with things started to take its toll. I started wondering what the hell we were doing. Why were we even together. We seemed to be pulling apart rather than pulling together. I think we were so busy trying to take care of other things, we were forgetting to take care of our relationship. I was unhappy with a lot of things - my job, my hours, my lack of sleep. I felt very alone. I spent most of the night at work alone, I spent most of my evenings alone with my one son. I didn't get to go many places, see many people, talk to many people. The more isolated I got, the more alone I felt. The more alone I felt, the angrier I got at my husband. He got to do things I didn't get to do. He got to see people, do things. He got time away from our son. He got to do things he wanted to do. It seemed like I never did. That I was carrying all the responsibility and he was getting the easy end of the deal. Resentment can throw a real wrench in a relationship. Communication turns into arguing, arguing turns into yelling, yelling turns into silence. And silence can kill a relationship. When you stop even talking, you start feeling like you are living with a stranger. So, that was where I was at. Angry, resentful, silent, and wondering if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this guy.

Going into the new year, I wanted to make changes - lots of changes. Heck, that's why I started this blog - to make changes. I wanted to get busy living, be happy, make positive changes. As I made these changes, I was still focusing on the negative aspects of our relationship. I wasn't thinking about the positive points of it. And I certainly wasn't making any effort to make it work. Instead, I was slowly convincing myself that there were more reasons to end it. And a relationship is much like a plant. You have to have good roots, a good soil, and a desire to take care of it. You have to show it attention - feed it, water it, love it, and take care of it. If you don't, it will die. When we were planning our wedding, my husband's pastor agreed to marry us on the condition that we go through premarital counseling with him first. We agreed. At the end of the sessions, the pastor told us that he had never met two people more prepared to get married. He said that so many people who wanted to get married were wearing rose colored glasses, that they were so blinded by the flush of new love, they weren't realistic. We went into our marriage with our eyes wide open. We knew what we were getting into. It wasn't some whirlwind romance where we were swept off our feet. We had good roots.  I honestly think we just forgot to take care of the relationship. We let everything else take precedence over it. We stopped feeding and watering it. And it was withering.

But, I also somewhere in my wisdom realized that I didn't want to make any snap decisions based on pure emotion. I knew I am tired, I am not thinking clearly, I am not at a good place to make huge life changing decisions like this. So, I told myself to hang in there. To wait and see if things got better. I wanted to wait until I got a new job, made some other changes, got a grip. Which was a step in the right direction. But then - I realized something. It wasn't going to get better if we didn't make it better. If I didn't change how I was looking at it and see the good points. If I didn't start making the effort to make it work. To make him a priority too. To remember all the reasons I married him. They are still there. The wonderful, loving, faithful, loyal, honest, silly, funny, creative guy I fell in love with was still there. I had just forgotten to look for him. I let him become a last priority on the list. I let our relationship be last on the list too.

So, what to do? Do I give up and get divorced? Do I take the easy path and say that it's just too hard? Because in some ways - yeah - way easier to just call it quits and walk away. I would then not have to work on the relationship. I would not have to compromise. I could do what I wanted. I think that's part of the problem today. Too many people walk away. It's easy. A couple hundred bucks and a divorce is yours. But no. That's the easy way out. And I would, in the long run, end up losing one of the most important people in my life. My husband. And while he makes me nuts. He makes me angry. He makes me frustrated. He also makes me laugh. He makes me smile. He makes me feel loved. He makes me think. He makes me feel beautiful. And.. he makes me happy. So while the past 9 years have been up and down. And even though I will probably still complain about him, get mad at him, and even want to give up again at some point. I love my husband and am a very lucky woman to have realized this before it was too late.

Thoughts - Count My Blessings

I had a recent medical scare that really got me thinking about things. A couple of weeks ago, I found some moles on my back that looked really bad. I did some research online and by all means it looked like melanoma or skin cancer. Pretty scary word, cancer. So, even without insurance and pretty much broke - you don't put something like this off. You have to get it checked. So, doctor appointment made, the two week wait to see him gave me time to think about things. I talked to friends and family. I started to think "what if this is cancer?" What if's can be a bad thing sometimes. Regrets can eat you up. But, sometimes, it can really help you re-evaluate your life and look at things in a different way. It can wake you up to things that maybe you are missing. Remind you how blessed you are in your life. It made me realize how many people I have in my life that I love, and that love me. How many people are cheering for me, pulling for me, helping me. How important it is to live life, love life, and love those in my life. Because, even if you aren't dying from cancer, even if you don't have health problems, even if you live a long, healthy life - there are only so many days to everyone's life. There is only so many chances to tell someone that they are important to you. There are only so many years you can do certain things. If you don't do them when you get the chance - you may never get to do them. I see all the time, especially online, things that remind you to say I love you as much as you can, to hug those around you often, to stop and smell the roses, to take chances, to live life to the fullest. Because, before you know it - it will be gone. The loved ones around you may pass before you. The ones you love will be left behind when you go. Then all that will be left is memories. Good memories, as well as bad memories. To me, it is important to make as many good memories as we can before we go.

I looked over my goals that I've made for myself this year and the changes I want to make. They are good goals. And focusing on me is very important. The changes I want to make are very important. But, just as important are the goals that include others. When I go, I want people to remember the good memories about me. I want people to remember the happy times. The times where I helped them, or they got to help me. The times we laughed together. Even the times we cried, but were there for each other, because those are important too. I want to be remembered as a good person. A person who cared, who loved, who gave, who lived their life to the fullest. Now, that doesn't mean I'm going bunjee jumping or jump out of a working airplane. That may be something some people want to do. But no, not me. Me, I want to read some of the books I've been putting off. Do some of the things with my kids that I've been wanting to do. I want to stop saying tomorrow and do today. I want to remember to say I love you every day. I want to make someone's life better each day. It's not hard - a smile, a thank you, a hug. All of these things are small but make a huge difference. I want to look into the joy of my youngest son's face and see the world through his eyes. I want to listen to music with my teenage son and appreciate his opinions. I want to talk to him. I want to talk about all kinds of things - stories from his past, plans for his future. I want to laugh with my oldest daughter and appreciate the woynderful adult she is. I want to share with her my recipes, my thoughts, hear her plans for the future, and let them all know how special they are to me. I want to re-connect to my husband. The last six years of working opposite shifts, struggling with money, and facing numerous challenges has had its toll on my marriage. I want to remember how I felt on our wedding day. But, it doesn't stop there, I want to re-connect to everyone. I want to talk to my sister about our lives. I want to hug my mom - she won't be here forever. I want to enjoy every day I have with her. And friends, and other family. Because when it comes down to it - the stuff you have in your life is just stuff. The really important things in life, the things that really matter are the people who love you and care about you. The people you share your life with. In that way I am very, very blessed.

Thankfully, when I went to the doctor yesterday, it wasn't cancer. It was something called seborrheic keratoses. They can often be mistaken for melanoma. But they are harmless. Due to my skin type, heredity, sun exposure, they form, but really are nothing. But the doctor was very glad I had them checked out and said it was the smartest thing to do. So, that is not a battle I have to fight today. But, I am thankful for it anyway. Because it reminded me of what is important in life, and who is important in my life. And I think sometimes we all need to stop and count our blessings in our life. Before it's too late.

Thoughts - Making Sense of Life

When you think about it - we are each a sum of many, many things. We are a sum of our genetics, our parents, our upbringing, our environment, our experiences, our families, our decisions, and probably some random other things. Each of us has had very different mixes of these. To get through this life, we have to try to make sense of this cauldron of things stirred together. And most of the time we are doing it on the fly, as life rarely stops and lets us take the time to make sense of it. Also, we don't get a re-do of almost anything. Life doesn't have a reset button, you don't get to take back things you do or say. And we all know that there is absolutely no one who is perfect. We all do things we wish we hadn't, we all say things wrong sometimes. Often times, we make the best decisions we can at the time. Life is more like an action flick than it is a game of chess. In chess you have time to sit and ponder your next move. In an action flick, more often than not you are shooting from a moving vehicle. Also in chess, you are only dealing with one other person, in life - rarely are you dealing with one thing at a time. Instead, it is more like juggling many things at the same time. So, it's no wonder things can get challenging. And when you add into it that many of us carry baggage with us on the trip, it can get hard.

But, there are times when you get to sit down and catch your breath. If you don't take some time to slow down, regroup, think about things, and sort them out, it can get more tangled than a cat in a room full of string. Keeping everything straight and sorted isn't always possible. Usually it is all connected in some way, with no real beginning and end to events. Thing mix together, one thing affects another. Like in relationships. People tend to bring their experiences from the past to their new relationships. There is really no way to know what baggage a person is bringing from their past that has made them who they are today. But some baggage can get heavy. Some things need to be sorted and put away. There is really no way to get rid of your past. And if you think about it, you don't really want to get rid of your past. It is your past that has made you who you are today. I like who I am today. I may not have always done the right thing, I may not have always made the best decisions, but I can say I did the best I could. I look at my past and try to learn what I can from it. I accept that I can't change it, and I try to move on. When you don't let go of some of the baggage, you can find yourself carrying more and more of it. It can get really heavy. I have also learned that forgiveness is essential in life. Forgiving yourself, as well as others, is important. It goes back to the whole no one is perfect. We are all going to make mistakes. Now, forgiving others can be hard. Especially those who have truly hurt you. Truly taken something from you. But, you also have to remember that for whatever reason  they did it, it was their reason. They are not you, you will probably never understand why they did it. You may never forget what they did, but you can forgive and let it go. Put that bag down. Forgiving yourself is harder. Hindsight is 20/20. It is really easy to look back afterwards and see those decisions that you made  or things that you did and find fault. It is also easy to continue to beat yourself up for it. But those decisions you made, you made for a reason that made sense at the time. Probably the best thing you can do for yourself is to accept the past and put the bag down. Don't carry it with you everywhere. Lighten your load by moving forward without it.

But just as important as forgiving yourself for things you have done in the past is realizing that you are responsible for your impact and your actions on others. We all do make mistakes, but there are times when we must also realize that things are our own fault. That we are responsible for what we say and do. Constantly blaming others for things is just as bad as constantly feeling guilty for things that aren't our fault. When we don't take all that we have experienced from life this far, learn from it, and make changes in ourselves, then we are doomed to make the same mistakes over and over. Only by confronting our mistakes and learning from them, can we truly put that baggage down. There have been people in my life that always believed that it was someone else's fault. That they were the victim all the time. Bad things continued to happen to them because they never learned from their own mistakes. Only by learning and changing can you make changes that are going to change your life. That are going to change the outcome. That are going to make your life better.

To come full circle with my point, you have to be still sometimes, pause to review your life, make sense of it and learn from it. The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect the results to be different. Now, while we can all be crazy sometimes, some more than others, I don't want to be insane. I want to continue down my path without all the baggage weighing me down. I want to find the inner peace to move forward without it. Not always an easy task, but very possible.

Thoughts - Walk A Mile In My Shoes

I have a lot of tolerance, acceptance, empathy, and understanding for people. I realize that everyone has it rough in one way or another. From the riches of people, who seem to have everything, to the people who have to live on the street. It is sometimes easy to look at others and think you know what it's like to be them. Who hasn't looked at someone who has a lot of money, and thought, wow to be them. To be able to buy anything you wanted. Or looked at your friends, or family, or whoever and thought, wow, they have it made. They have it so easy. On the flip side of that coin, it is also hard sometimes to have empathy for others. To listen to them complain and not think to yourself, wow, I have it way worse than they do and I don't complain half as much. So, putting things in perspective and realizing that everyone has it hard in some way or another is important. Keeping in mind that no one really has it made. If everyone would do that, maybe we could all help each other out more instead of always looking at how hard we have it ourselves. That being said, I wish there were some people in my life who would look at what I do, what I am going through, what I have to deal with, and have a little empathy. I'm not looking for them to pity me, feel bad for me, or even necessarily help me. Just not criticizing me and telling me things are my own fault, or that I need to do more. Or criticizing how I spend my time, or even what I do with my free time. Walk a mile in my shoes. Live my life for awhile. Do what I do, face the decisions I face. Then you can judge me. I respect what you do, what you are going through. I may not understand completely what you face, but I respect that you are going through it. Why do people not do the same? Why do some people feel they have the right to come down on me for my life? Now, it is true that there are those who do nothing to make their lives better. There are those who complain constantly yet do nothing to change it. There are those who aren't happy unless they are unhappy about something. I do find it very hard to remain sympathetic and supportive after awhile. Those who have the same problems over, and over, and over. And yet, when offered options, instead of looking at those options and how to make them work, they look for reasons why they wouldn't work. And be honest, we have all done that at some point. At some point we all have probably felt trapped and like it will never get better or change. But, usually, at some point, we all get fed up and make changes. After all, isn't that what this whole blog is about? Making changes, changing myself, changing my life? And trust me, it's not easy. I face challenges every day to these changes. But, I keep trying. It's not fast or easy. But I am trying. Then to have people both to my face, and behind my back, to criticize me, say I'm not doing enough, and even that I am lying about what my life is like, just makes it all that much harder. It makes it all that much worse. Instead of looking at what it must be like to be me, and deal with everything, they stand on the outside making judgements and telling me what I should be doing. I don't do that to them. I don't look at them and tell them they aren't doing enough. I don't tell them they are full of crap and should just get over it. I don't look at their issues and tell them they are petty or stupid. I don't judge. I want to lift people up, not put them down. So, when I hear things like this, I try my hardest to not let it get to me. I try my hardest to keep in mind that I am doing the best I can do right now. I remember that it is my life - not theirs. I do not have to make them happy. I do not have to please them. I don't even have to listen to them. I can do this my way. I can do this for me. I can live my life, my way, with or without their love and support. In my time, with my own two feet walking my own path. I can choose not to let them bring me down. I can decide not to let them push me in a direction I don't want to go. And most of all, I can take it easy on myself sometimes too. I shouldn't have to gear up with mental armor to deal with some people. But - if needs be, I can. I can fight back. I can live my life and they can either join me on my journey or not. Those who mind, don't matter, those who matter, don't mind. Accept me, love me, lift me up as I lift you up. I will do the same for you. I will respect you and give you all the support I can. I expect the same back though. I expect you to accept, even if you don't understand. I know you don't know exactly what I'm going through - you can't, you aren't me. But understand that my path is difficult, just as your is. This isn't a contest of who has it worse. This isn't a who does what better race. There isn't a winner and a loser. There is both of us winning by having a loving caring relationship where we both succeed. So, let's turn this into a win/win situation instead of an attack or a war. Let's walk beside each other on our paths and share the journey.



Finger Eleven - Walking In My Shoes

Thoughts - No More Lonely Nights

For those of you who don't know, I work midnight shift at a front desk of a hotel. It's a fairly simple job, being an auditor. We do pretty much everything a front desk person does, but we also do some financial processing and reporting. That being said, it's not a book keeping job really, nor is it difficult to do. A monkey could do my job pretty much. But, one thing it does have is lots of solitude. Lots of quiet. You work alone. Pretty much everyone in the hotel is asleep. Now, you do get your interesting nights where the drunks stop by and hit on you, an occasional emergency, or clogged toilet. But - yeah - a lot of solitude. Now, I am lucky, I get to bring my laptop with me here to work and they have wifi here. So, it helps pass the long, lonely nights. No one really bothers me, I rarely see the bosses, I rarely see my co-workers for more than 5 minutes at shift change coming on and off. Rarely see guests. So, you kind of get use to not dealing with people.

Now, for someone like me who has trouble with social interaction, it can be perfect. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not afraid of people. I do not have a phobia about being in public. I don't panic at the thought of going to a party. Well, maybe a little. I just really don't like being around large groups of people. I don't like the noise, I don't like the energy, I don't like people being in "my space". I don't like dealing with the drama. I have worked retail, I have worked day shift in hotels, I have worked several different office jobs, social service jobs, and the list goes on. So, yes, I can do it. But honestly, it's kind of like a muscle to me. I have let my social skills get out of shape. Being alone 5 nights a week all night, I have lost my ability to be social. I sleep all day, and when I am up, I am doing family things - not social things. I rarely get time to myself. And when I do, I usually do something solitary. So, the long and short of it - I have become pretty anti-social.

You may be asking about now, why does this matter? Why is she telling us all this? Well, I'm glad you asked. Because it's time to find a new job. It's time to be done with this and find a job with better hours, more pay, better benefits and a future. Right. Go for it. Get a move on. What are you waiting for? Why are you still here? Why have you been doing this for 6 years? You have been saying you are done with this job for quite awhile now, so why are you still doing it? Um, your still sitting here. Why are you dragging your feet? Why have you not done too much about it? Why are you STILL making excuses. Don't have my degree yet. Can't find anything that pays enough. Have to update my resume. Still looking for the right hours. Don't have anyone to watch my son after school. Haven't heard back from them. The excuses go on. And, I'm not saying they aren't true - every one of them is a valid point. We do have to have someone to watch our son if I change my hours. And, I do have to make enough money to pay that someone to watch them. And, daycare is expensive. And I don't trust many people to watch my son. So, yes, I'm not saying that these are lies. But... and this is the biggy.... I'm doing nothing to over come these hurdles. Why?

Processing data..... please wait. Wow, the answer is... I'm scared. I'm scared of failure. I'm scared of not being good enough. I'm scared of change. I'm scared of having to deal with people again. I'm scared of falling short. What if I get this new job and people don't like me? What happens when I have to deal with real, living, breathing people again? What if I don't catch on fast enough? What if? That's what it all boils down to. I am sabotaging my own life by being held back by fear. That little tiny word - fear - that keeps so many people from doing so many things. That itsy bitsy emotion that causes soooo many big problems. It causes people to be unhappy, it causes people to kill, it causes war. Heck, there are some people who live their entire lives so afraid they never actually live. Do I want to be that type of person? Do I want to be the one who never achieves because they never try?

No. I don't want to be that person. I started this blog about change this year. I have set my goals. I am working on these goals. I am changing. I am going to stop being afraid and do it. The time is now, seize the day. I can do this. I am not going to let fear rule me or my life. Yes, change is scary. Yes, I may fail. But, I am not going to lose because I was afraid to try. I am not going to hide in this lonely little job any more. I need to face my fears and move forward. Wish me luck. I'm going job hunting.

Thoughts - People in my life

I was thinking yesterday as I got through my day that no one is really alone. I mean, there is always someone affecting your life one way or another. Some more than others, some not as much. But I was thinking about how I had realized that nothing was going to change this year unless I made changes in myself and my life. And that is very true. But I also have to consider all the other people in my life. My family, my friends, my co-workers, my boss, the people I deal with everywhere. It's like tons of ripples going outward from me. Everything I do does affect them, just as what they does affects me. Now, I really like the idea that no one can make me feel a certain way, such as people don't "make" you mad. You allow them to make you mad. If you choose not to let them upset you, you are in control of your life. However, being responsible for how you act also means being aware of how what you do affects those around you as well.

When I decided to make changes in my life, I realized that it would affect people - some more than others. Such as my kids, my husband, my parents. I know I can't really change them, but I can change me, which will make changes in them. I hope I am making sense. I guess maybe an example would help. Okay, I have my son who is 7 that lives with me. Every day, I do things the same way pretty much. He knows this, he knows how to react to it. But, as I make changes in how I act and what I do, that is going to change how he does things as well. So, when I make changes to me, I am actually making changes in others as well. Sometimes these can be good changes, sometimes maybe not. There very well may be those who don't like the changes. What do you do with that? I can't not change just to keep others happy. I know a lot of the things I currently do are for others. I often give up things for myself to do things for others. I give up my time, my energy, my things. I am one of those people who have a hard time saying no. So, what happens when I start putting my foot down? What happens when I start saying no to people? Am I going to make them angry? Maybe. Am I going to upset people? Probably. This is probably one of the biggest reasons I fear change. Not so much because it is going to be different - in my book different is good. But I don't like people to be upset with me. I don't like people to be angry with me. I have a hard time standing my ground when I say no. But I need to learn how to do it. Instead of doing for others all the time, I need to learn how to say no. And mean it.

So, what about those people in my life who aren't willing to change with me? What about those people who aren't going to accept that I want to do things differently? Well, I guess maybe then it is time to move on. You can still love someone and care about them, and let them go. I don't want to keep people in my life who don't care how unhappy I am simply because it makes their life easier. I don't want to keep people in my life who only want what I can do for them or give them. I want people in my life who love me, want what is best for me, and want to see my grow and change as a person. The ones who can't need to step aside because I may care about them. But I need to do what is best for me.