Thoughts - No More Lonely Nights

For those of you who don't know, I work midnight shift at a front desk of a hotel. It's a fairly simple job, being an auditor. We do pretty much everything a front desk person does, but we also do some financial processing and reporting. That being said, it's not a book keeping job really, nor is it difficult to do. A monkey could do my job pretty much. But, one thing it does have is lots of solitude. Lots of quiet. You work alone. Pretty much everyone in the hotel is asleep. Now, you do get your interesting nights where the drunks stop by and hit on you, an occasional emergency, or clogged toilet. But - yeah - a lot of solitude. Now, I am lucky, I get to bring my laptop with me here to work and they have wifi here. So, it helps pass the long, lonely nights. No one really bothers me, I rarely see the bosses, I rarely see my co-workers for more than 5 minutes at shift change coming on and off. Rarely see guests. So, you kind of get use to not dealing with people.

Now, for someone like me who has trouble with social interaction, it can be perfect. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not afraid of people. I do not have a phobia about being in public. I don't panic at the thought of going to a party. Well, maybe a little. I just really don't like being around large groups of people. I don't like the noise, I don't like the energy, I don't like people being in "my space". I don't like dealing with the drama. I have worked retail, I have worked day shift in hotels, I have worked several different office jobs, social service jobs, and the list goes on. So, yes, I can do it. But honestly, it's kind of like a muscle to me. I have let my social skills get out of shape. Being alone 5 nights a week all night, I have lost my ability to be social. I sleep all day, and when I am up, I am doing family things - not social things. I rarely get time to myself. And when I do, I usually do something solitary. So, the long and short of it - I have become pretty anti-social.

You may be asking about now, why does this matter? Why is she telling us all this? Well, I'm glad you asked. Because it's time to find a new job. It's time to be done with this and find a job with better hours, more pay, better benefits and a future. Right. Go for it. Get a move on. What are you waiting for? Why are you still here? Why have you been doing this for 6 years? You have been saying you are done with this job for quite awhile now, so why are you still doing it? Um, your still sitting here. Why are you dragging your feet? Why have you not done too much about it? Why are you STILL making excuses. Don't have my degree yet. Can't find anything that pays enough. Have to update my resume. Still looking for the right hours. Don't have anyone to watch my son after school. Haven't heard back from them. The excuses go on. And, I'm not saying they aren't true - every one of them is a valid point. We do have to have someone to watch our son if I change my hours. And, I do have to make enough money to pay that someone to watch them. And, daycare is expensive. And I don't trust many people to watch my son. So, yes, I'm not saying that these are lies. But... and this is the biggy.... I'm doing nothing to over come these hurdles. Why?

Processing data..... please wait. Wow, the answer is... I'm scared. I'm scared of failure. I'm scared of not being good enough. I'm scared of change. I'm scared of having to deal with people again. I'm scared of falling short. What if I get this new job and people don't like me? What happens when I have to deal with real, living, breathing people again? What if I don't catch on fast enough? What if? That's what it all boils down to. I am sabotaging my own life by being held back by fear. That little tiny word - fear - that keeps so many people from doing so many things. That itsy bitsy emotion that causes soooo many big problems. It causes people to be unhappy, it causes people to kill, it causes war. Heck, there are some people who live their entire lives so afraid they never actually live. Do I want to be that type of person? Do I want to be the one who never achieves because they never try?

No. I don't want to be that person. I started this blog about change this year. I have set my goals. I am working on these goals. I am changing. I am going to stop being afraid and do it. The time is now, seize the day. I can do this. I am not going to let fear rule me or my life. Yes, change is scary. Yes, I may fail. But, I am not going to lose because I was afraid to try. I am not going to hide in this lonely little job any more. I need to face my fears and move forward. Wish me luck. I'm going job hunting.