Goal Progress - Ignore it - It will go away

I always loved little kids when they cover their eyes and believe that since they can't see you, that you can't see them. Cover your eyes and you become invisible. I built an entire philosophy of life on this belief. Close my eyes and ignore it and it will go away. It works wonders for all kinds of things. Bills, medical problems, people, stress, all go away if you ignore them long enough. Right? See, here is my standard of operation when confronted with something that I don't have an answer to - go to bed. If it's still there when I wake up - ignore it. If it calls my phone - don't answer. If it sends me a letter in the mail, put it in a pile and ignore it. If it hurts, ignore it. If it doesn't kill me - it will go away. Easy peasey. Okay, so maybe it isn't the best solution to life, but I have done it so long, avoided so much, that it is hard to turn around and face the music. There have been various times in my life where I have put my foot down. I have determined that it was time to get my duckies in a row. I have gotten myself back on track. I have dealt with all that needs dealt with. But somehow, I keep returning to this policy of ignore it and it will go away. Now, granted, it's not always things that I can do something about. But even the thought of opening all the cans of worms can be terrifying. Now, maybe I'm the only one who is afraid to deal with things. Maybe everyone else doesn't quake at the thought of dealing with bill collectors, or doctors, or bosses. But me, I just cover my eyes and turn invisible. Let me give you some examples. My health. There have been very few time in my life when I actually had health insurance. I've not had jobs that offered it, or I couldn't afford it, or whatever. But, my idea is - if you are not dead, it will go away. There have been a few times when I couldn't ignore it any longer, and ended up in the ER. But, everything else just got better. Or fell apart and I learned to live with it. I only consider it serious enough to be dealt with if it is bad enough to go to the hospital for. Bills are another biggie that I have a hard time dealing with. I know there isn't enough money to pay them all, so don't look at the bank account, don't answer the phone when they call, don't open the bills they mail me. Why? So I can know just how broke I am? So I can tell them I have no money to give them? Now, granted, some of them do things like cut off our power, our gas, or try to repossess our car. So, yeah, those you put off to the very last minute and then scramble desperately to stop that from happening. Now, don't get me wrong - we do pay our bills monthly. It's not like I completely ignore reality. But, when you fall behind and there is no money to catch up, you start robbing Peter to pay Paul and determine who you are going to ignore this month. I know, I know, I know, it is better if you call them and tell them that you can't pay them this month and make arrangements to make up what you owe next month or whatever. But that would seriously break my rule of ignoring them. Right now I am struggling to get all my student loans into deferment. My husband's old loans, which we ignored, finally garnished his wages. But, I am trying to keep that from happening to mine. But it's a nightmare So, I'm trying hard not to crawl into my safe, little shell and ignore it. It's not going to go away. I know it's not going to go away. None of it is. I know that in order to get my duckies in a row, I'm going to have to deal with all of them. All of it - life, health, bills, everything. Sigh, I miss my shell. It's so much easier to ignore it. All I can do is deal with things one at a time. I am not the first person to ever struggle. I am not the only person to ever fall behind. But just as I have taken steps to stand up for myself and learn to say no - I also have to learn how to stand up and be proactive in life - not just ignore it until it goes away.

Thoughts - No More Lonely Nights

For those of you who don't know, I work midnight shift at a front desk of a hotel. It's a fairly simple job, being an auditor. We do pretty much everything a front desk person does, but we also do some financial processing and reporting. That being said, it's not a book keeping job really, nor is it difficult to do. A monkey could do my job pretty much. But, one thing it does have is lots of solitude. Lots of quiet. You work alone. Pretty much everyone in the hotel is asleep. Now, you do get your interesting nights where the drunks stop by and hit on you, an occasional emergency, or clogged toilet. But - yeah - a lot of solitude. Now, I am lucky, I get to bring my laptop with me here to work and they have wifi here. So, it helps pass the long, lonely nights. No one really bothers me, I rarely see the bosses, I rarely see my co-workers for more than 5 minutes at shift change coming on and off. Rarely see guests. So, you kind of get use to not dealing with people.

Now, for someone like me who has trouble with social interaction, it can be perfect. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not afraid of people. I do not have a phobia about being in public. I don't panic at the thought of going to a party. Well, maybe a little. I just really don't like being around large groups of people. I don't like the noise, I don't like the energy, I don't like people being in "my space". I don't like dealing with the drama. I have worked retail, I have worked day shift in hotels, I have worked several different office jobs, social service jobs, and the list goes on. So, yes, I can do it. But honestly, it's kind of like a muscle to me. I have let my social skills get out of shape. Being alone 5 nights a week all night, I have lost my ability to be social. I sleep all day, and when I am up, I am doing family things - not social things. I rarely get time to myself. And when I do, I usually do something solitary. So, the long and short of it - I have become pretty anti-social.

You may be asking about now, why does this matter? Why is she telling us all this? Well, I'm glad you asked. Because it's time to find a new job. It's time to be done with this and find a job with better hours, more pay, better benefits and a future. Right. Go for it. Get a move on. What are you waiting for? Why are you still here? Why have you been doing this for 6 years? You have been saying you are done with this job for quite awhile now, so why are you still doing it? Um, your still sitting here. Why are you dragging your feet? Why have you not done too much about it? Why are you STILL making excuses. Don't have my degree yet. Can't find anything that pays enough. Have to update my resume. Still looking for the right hours. Don't have anyone to watch my son after school. Haven't heard back from them. The excuses go on. And, I'm not saying they aren't true - every one of them is a valid point. We do have to have someone to watch our son if I change my hours. And, I do have to make enough money to pay that someone to watch them. And, daycare is expensive. And I don't trust many people to watch my son. So, yes, I'm not saying that these are lies. But... and this is the biggy.... I'm doing nothing to over come these hurdles. Why?

Processing data..... please wait. Wow, the answer is... I'm scared. I'm scared of failure. I'm scared of not being good enough. I'm scared of change. I'm scared of having to deal with people again. I'm scared of falling short. What if I get this new job and people don't like me? What happens when I have to deal with real, living, breathing people again? What if I don't catch on fast enough? What if? That's what it all boils down to. I am sabotaging my own life by being held back by fear. That little tiny word - fear - that keeps so many people from doing so many things. That itsy bitsy emotion that causes soooo many big problems. It causes people to be unhappy, it causes people to kill, it causes war. Heck, there are some people who live their entire lives so afraid they never actually live. Do I want to be that type of person? Do I want to be the one who never achieves because they never try?

No. I don't want to be that person. I started this blog about change this year. I have set my goals. I am working on these goals. I am changing. I am going to stop being afraid and do it. The time is now, seize the day. I can do this. I am not going to let fear rule me or my life. Yes, change is scary. Yes, I may fail. But, I am not going to lose because I was afraid to try. I am not going to hide in this lonely little job any more. I need to face my fears and move forward. Wish me luck. I'm going job hunting.

Goal Progress - Life After the Internet

As I emerge from behind my computer screen, rubbing my eyes in pain at the sunlight, I am amazed that there is a whole other world out there. I cringe at the thought of leaving my cave, but some things must be done. I must bravely set forth into this new world called life.

Okay, so maybe I'm not quite that bad. But, there are a few people who probably think I am. And, to be totally honest with you (and myself) I really need to cut back the amount of time I spend online. It is an addiction like any other - hard to kick. When I look at how much time I spend on this thing, it's kind of scary. I have actually known people who were addicted to things like World of Warcraft and Sim Social, and other games that can suck your brains and the life right out of you. And since I am not addicted to one of those games, I thought - heck I can't be that bad. I'm not like the person who loses all touch with reality and plays at being someone they aren't in real life. Right? Right? Sure, let's hear another excuse while I check my Facebook account one more time real quick. Ooo, there's a new blog post. Wait, where was I? Okay, so yeah, I'm so totally not addicted to my internet. I can quit at any time and walk away from the computer. Just as soon as I check my email. Hey, I just got a message from Bill Gates that I may have one a new computer!! Wait, where was I again?? So, what I was saying is - I'm so not one of those people who uses computer slang in my normal conversations. LOL I will never be one of those people. But, did you know that you can find out the average heart rate of the African Swallow on Wiki? And then, the computer is also such a learning tool. YouTube has instructional videos on just about anything. Did you know that there is a YouTube video on how to get a real life and get off the internet? I gotta bookmark that one to watch later. When I am done checking out my number of hits on my blog. And liking every comment made by my 2050 friends on Facebook. And finish chatting with 5 different people in 5 different windows. Oh no, this person I have never met and never even talked to just lost their job. You know, the fact that I have 3 different browsers to handle different things, a chat handler program that allows me to be logged into 7 different chat programs at once, can multi-task in at least 5 to 10 windows at once, and could really use another monitor doesn't mean I'm addicted. Honest. I can walk away at any time. I would not go through withdraw if I didn't have the internet. Hey, what do you mean that window won't load? How am I going to see that cute video of a kitten playing with an orangutang if it won't load? Dammit!!! Anyway, so yeah, if I lost my internet, which has happened, I would simply find other things to do with my time. Like, sit at the table, looking at my computer, wondering if I could sell my own blood to pay the bill and get it turned back on. Doesn't everyone do that? And besides, the computer is a useful tool for all kinds of things. I can edit all kinds of documents, create videos, do budgeting, find out about anything - I need this computer. I seem to recall a long, long.... long time ago when I had to look up things in these things called books? Jeez, how did we ever get anything done before google? Now, there are times when I get these strange twinges about it. I do belong to an awesome book club. I found it online. I made a wish list of books that I want and once a month, for only 9.95, they ship me the first book on my list and it's delivered right to my doorstep. How handy is that. A book a month. Now granted, I haven't read the last 5 books I've gotten, but they are doing a great job of propping up my entertainment center that is breaking. And you know, I will read them. I promise. I do remember how to read a book. So, you know, I'm not that bad. Honest I'm not. The fact that I can find my home keys in the dark, with my eyes closed, and type like the wind just means I'm accomplished. This is a useful skill. And, the fact that I have a game that I play that allows me to set up virtual fish tanks that I clean and feed every day is not strange. I never spend real money on the games, so it's harmless right? I don't understand why my family and friends would be upset that I send them, oh 10 or 20 requests to feed my fish a day. It's all fun. And it's relaxing, right? We all need to relax. That is a good thing. The fact that there is drama online doesn't affect me at all. I see this as an opportunity to hone my psychology skills acting as online counselor for the multitude of people who swamp me with their many problems. The fact that I have been cussed out by someone I don't know, from somewhere I have never been, for something I didn't say or do is just one of the facts of internet life. And we all need a life, right? Why should it matter if it's online or off?

Sigh. Okay. All joking aside. I do have issues. I do need to start balancing my life more. Now, I will never give up my internet. I do have very good friends I have made online. Friends I consider as real and as important as other people in my life. And those people know who they are. I don't need to reassure them that I am not talking about them. And I do use the internet in ways that improve my life. I helped found a site that is very important to me. It has helped me grow and learn as a person, it has taught me a lot about me, my spiritual path, and friendships. I also use the computer to stay in touch with friends and family that I don't get to see enough. It's a wonderful communication tool. And I do use it for enjoyment, entertainment, and relaxation. I also use it to learn and share. Such as this blog. But, there is also limitations to it. Somehow, somewhere, there has to be a balance. At some point, I need to disconnect from the computer, and reconnect with life outside this virtual reality. So, for now, I'll say goodby and try to go find that thing they call a real life. Until we meet again - would you check my facebook and like this post, please?