To Be Continued.....

To all my followers of my quest for self-improvement. I want to thank you for your views. I know that I haven't posted for a long time - months in fact. However, I wanted to share that things have really changed, and the new me is doing very well. So well, in fact, that I am moving this blog to another site. I have created a new blog on another site - Wordpress. I am going to move this blog over there to catch you up and work on my new blog at the same time. My new blog will focus on my new career and this blog will continue with the awesome changes that I have made and am making in my life. To continue following this blog, you can click the link below. I have also put the link to my new blog, about my quest to be a freelance writer, if you would like to stop by and check that blog out as well. Thank you so much for all your support over the last year. Onward and upward!!

A New Year, A New Me


The Write Path

Ch - Ch- Ch - Changes

For those of you who have followed my blog at all - you know that my life can be chaotic and insane. For those of you who are seeing my blog for the first time - my life is chaotic and insane. Ha ha. I started this blog months ago knowing that I wanted to make changes in my life. I wanted to take control. I wanted to accomplish so many things in the past year. My goal page was an ambitious one. There were a lot of big and little changes. And I have blogged about everything here from my failures, my successes, and my challenges, to my thoughts and feelings. It's been an up and down roller coaster ride this year. I have faced such things as sleep deprivation, illness, unexpected large bills, insane schedules, and failure. But also this year so far I have seen new friendships form, unexpected gifts, great insight, opportunities open up, and growth.

Sometimes I look at all the things on my plate and think "I can do this" and other times I look at everything and simply want to go curl up in bed in the fetal position and wake up in my next life. I have shared with friends what my days are like and many of them shake their heads and tell me I am amazing. But then all I have to do is talk to my mother and she tells me to just suck it up and get on with it - that is life. I think it falls somewhere in the middle. There are those who don't face the challenges I am facing, but there are also those out there having a much rougher time than I am. Which I guess is the way it always is in life.

Right now, I am at the turning point, ending point, beginning point of many things. Some major things are coming to an end, some big things are starting, and some changes are happening. The wheel is turning and I am trying to turn with it. Some of the things I am facing right now is the possibility that the apartments we live in may be condemned, we are trying to find a new place to live, I will be changing from night shift to day shift which may or may not involve changing jobs, I am bringing to a close a court case where I was being sued for a large amount of money. I am helping my two sons adjust to the school year with one in his first year of high school, and the other adjusting to second grade. Which may not seem like a big deal, but when dealing with a special needs child - it is. We are fighting an epic battle of the fleas at our apartment which is consuming a lot of time and money. When it all falls on me to deal with all the money, all the banking, all the budgeting, all the appointments, all the shopping, all the driving, all the scheduling, all the organization, all the homework, and a variety of other things I can't remember right now - it all sounds a little insane. But that being said - part of me looks at it like my mom does and thinks - this is just life so suck it up and do it.

Change is hard - change can be scary. I am one who likes to stay in their comfort zone. The thought of moving, changing jobs, changing my schedule - all that is scary to me. I spend a lot of time playing the "what if" game. What if we can't get into the new apartment? What if I can't find a new job? What if I don't like my new job? What if I can't deal with all the people after spending 6 years working alone? What if purple dinosaurs in pink tutus fall from the sky? I'm good at that game. I have a real talent for coming up with what ifs. And soooo much of it is beyond my control. I think that's the scariest part of it - the things that are beyond my control. So I combat that with calendars, and spreadsheets, and planners, and timelines, and a variety of other controlling mechanisms. But when it all comes down to it - what is going to happen will happen and I just have to happen with it. I have found that over the year so far, I have gotten much better at laughing at it. I have gotten much better at accepting things. I am learning (finally) that everything isn't the end of the world. I am learning to recognize when I am edging towards that maniacal stress level and back off. Now, I doubt I will ever be that serene ship sailing gently through raging storms. But maybe I won't be that little cork being thrown around in a hurricane either. Maybe not quite Martha Stewart, but hopefully better than Rosanne. I may not have all the answers, I may not always get it right, but I will sometimes. And sometimes, you just have to accept that.

Challenges - Tripping Over Life aka Plan B

So as my weekend approaches, I look forward to my days off and getting things done. Or maybe it's a Monday and I have a plan of what I want to do. I always have a plan. I look at what I want to accomplish, the goals I've set, the time I have to work with. I carefully gauge how long things should take me for each task. I take into account the weather, the travel time, the position of the sun and moon, and the tidal charts. I read my horoscope and prepare. It all looks good in my head, or on paper for that matter. My plan of attack laid, I approach with a battle cry and gusto! Only to trip over life on my road to accomplishing my goals. Before I know it, my plan is in shambles, my days off are over, or it's time to go to work or whatever - and none of it went like I planned. Things such as sick kids, or emergencies, or delays, traffic, unexpected phone calls, purple elephants in tutus falling from the sky, and occasional necessary 4 hour long gaming session have all thrown my schedule out the window. Then I look back sadly, thinking "the best laid plans of mice and men" are often scattered behind me. Honestly, I don't know how time manages to get away from me so quickly. Trying to stick to a plan for me is often times like trying to nail jello to a tree.

Now if you talk to some people in my life, they will say it's just that I'm not motivated to get these goals done. Or that I'm not setting my priorities right. Hm, that could be part of it. But honestly, just part. When I look back over my days and see how I actually spent my time, and what I did spend my time on, often times, it seems like things that were beyond my control. Not always, but a lot of the time. I mean, who can plan for purple elephants falling from the sky in pink tutus? That wasn't on the weather report for the day! I spend a lot of my time feeling like the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, looking at my watch feeling like I'm late. I joke with my friends saying I'm being like Tigger bouncing around from here to there. And a lot of my time is spent that way, jumping from task to task - not from choice, but from necessity. I take this one here and drop them off, only to turn around and pick this one up there, only to jump over here and do this, or bounce there and do that. I have a calendar on my wall to write things on, a pocket calendar in my purse to write it down on, I have online to do lists, an online family planner - you would think I was the most organized person in the world with all my places I write my schedule down. I get email alerts when appointments come up, I make written plans for the day, check lists, what have you. But somehow - time seems to slip through my fingers and I don't know how to grab onto it.

I started this blog in January. I had very definite ideas of what I wanted to accomplish this year. Maybe some of the goals were a bit far reaching - but they are good goals. And I can't say I haven't made progress. I have. And I can't say I'm not happier. I am. A lot has changed this year so far. Maybe some of the biggest changes are the ones I can't show evidence of because they are changes inside me. Which may not look as good on paper, but feel good inside. I guess it just gets frustrating when I have these ideals in my head of what I want to accomplish and then get none of it done. It's also frustrating when my physical body doesn't cooperate. The over 6 years of working on midnight shift has taken it's toll on me. There was a time when I was younger that there was that reserve well of energy to draw from when I needed a big push to finish something, or stay up a few more hours, or whatever. That well is dry. Now, when I look for that extra oomph to keep going, it's just not there. I'm not saying it won't come back. Just saying for now - there's just no extra. Sometimes these days it's just a struggle to stay awake through the day or night depending. I get frustrated with myself for not having endless energy, not having endless motivation, not having the get up and go I use to have. It almost feels like an excuse when I say to someone I just don't have the energy to do something. Or that my body just hurts too much to do it. I think sometimes people don't get it. I try to explain to like my kids - it's not that I'm just being lazy when I sit down at the dining room table and fall asleep sitting up. It's not just because I don't want to when I go to play a game with them and fall asleep in the chair. I'm not kidding when I don't remember what I said 15 minutes ago, or what they asked me, or what day of the week it is. I'm not being mean when I ask them to take the trash out because I can't lift it high enough to get it in the dumpster. My husband thinks I'm being lazy when I use the little button to close the hatch on our van because he doesn't realize the pain I feel when I lift my arms over my head and try to pull it down by hand. Not that I want their pity. Or for them to just do it for me. I guess what I want is for them (and me) to realize the limitations that I have right now. To be realistic with my goals. Maybe when I make these plans each time, I need to consider putting a little less on my plate and to take all these things into consideration. Maybe instead of making a to do list that include building an arc I can start with a row boat. And then get some help paddling to shore. On to Plan B.